


The definition of insanity...

by Shineey_Star



Series: The Definition of Insanity [2]
Category: Persona 5
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Explicit Language, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Not Beta Read, Suicidal Thoughts, Time Loop
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-11
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:07:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 49,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28014432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shineey_Star/pseuds/Shineey_Star
Summary: ...is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.They're disjointed. Confused.And Akechi isn't giving him anything to work with.
Relationships: Akechi Goro & Kurusu Akira, Akechi Goro/Kurusu Akira, Persona 5 Protagonist & Phantom Thieves of Hearts
Series: The Definition of Insanity [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2051910
Comments: 68
Kudos: 124





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a direct (kind of) continuity of the last entry in the series "I Believe You". Make sure to read that for some context of what's happening.

“How long have we been at this?” Akira asks into the silence of Leblanc. Akechi blows gently on his coffee remaining quiet. It’s getting late and Akira knows that Akechi will vanish again dodging his questions just like he always does. Akira wants to know. He  _ needs _ to know. How long Akechi has been trying to set things right, how many times he’s gone through the same conversations, gotten close to breaking the cycle. 

“I already told you,” Akechi mutters into his cup. “Fifteen.”

“Is that really all?” Akira presses. Akechi raises an eyebrow at him. A mixture of annoyance and curiosity on his face. He’s slowly gotten used to the fact that Akechi is no longer hiding behind that kind facade. Yet, despite being more unhinged, caring less, somehow he remains reserved and soft spoken. Akira has chalked it up to a deep exhaustion that only Akechi would know about. 

When Akechi doesn’t appear to plan on answering the question, he decides to ask one he hasn’t before. 

“Have we gotten close to breaking this cycle before?”

Akechi hums as he sets his cup down. His fingers steepled together with a frown on his face. Thinking about if they had or if he should answer his question? Akira wishes he could read him better. Akechi said he  _ used _ to be able to read him very well. That was apparently before Akira’s memories were reset completely. 

“A few times, yes,” Akechi replies. 

“When we lost those, was that when I lost my memory?” 

Akechi purses his lips and stares at his hands, “Your memory loss of the previous cycles was gradual. As your friends one by one began to forget that the cycles existed, you lost a piece of your memory until there was nothing left to remember.” 

The ravenhead pauses his cleaning contemplating his next question. “Why don’t you lose your memory?” 

He shrugs, “I’ve asked myself that before. Why  _ me _ ? Why not  _ you _ whose decisions and actions seem to be the only thing that moves us forward in time?”

“Your actions impact the time too—”

“My  _ death _ sets us  _ back _ . Listen to what I’m saying,” Akechi snaps, rolling his eyes at Akira’s failed attempt to console him. Suddenly, he’s reminded of everything Akechi has ever said prior to his many last moments. “Your actions, your words, your choices have always been the only thing that moves us forward.”

“If you chose to come with us instead of fighting us, I’m sure that would change something.”

Akechi laughs, Akira glares at him. It’s mocking, demeaning in a way that only Akechi could pull off. He bites back the urge to ask what’s so funny, Akechi will tell him anyway. 

“It has, but look at where we are,” Akechi smirks. 

“I don’t want to see you die again,” Akira changes his approach.

“And I don’t feel like dying. Despite what I’ve said, I  _ do _ feel pain. Shocking, I know,” he hands Akira his cup. That doesn’t necessarily make Akira feel better about any of this, but he knows that isn’t Akechi’s intention. Making Akira feel better is not on his priorities at the moment. He's certainly attempted that in the past only to be dragged right back to the same spot. Have they had this conversation before? 

Akira takes the cup, “So your scheme to kill me?”

“Does it matter? We lose if I kill you, we lose if I don’t.”

“I’m confused—”

“Join the club,” Akechi pulls out his phone and frowns at it. Akira wonders which one it is, work or Shido? “I have to go.”

“Are you okay?” Akira dares to ask knowing he won’t get a straight— or at least  _ honest _ answer from him. Never has when he asked that question. Akechi simply smiles, one that doesn’t reach his eyes and nods. Both a dismissal and a farewell.

Akira hates their conversations now. They used to be easy and carefree, now he’s constantly walking on eggshells. Their conversations rough, abrupt, almost jarring. Akira almost wishes he never became cognizant of what was happening around them, at least, kind of. He’s still not sure  _ how _ or  _ why _ any of this is happening. He hasn’t a clue why the universe has decided to reset itself any time either Akechi or he dies, and yet, he’s grateful for the second, or third, or tenth, or however many chances they’ve granted him. Obviously, someone or  _ something _ wants them to get it right. 

Now it’s just a matter of convincing Akechi to care again. After so many times of going through this, even he might have ended up like Akechi. The ebb and flow of memories between him and his friends. One day they all remember, the next day half of them hate him again. Akira can’t imagine, nor does he want to have to go through it. He’s determined this time to beat this.

_ He wonders how many times he thought this _ .

Regardless, he shakes his head and Morgana jumps up onto one of the stools.

“He’s not making this easy,” Morgana mumbles. “We can’t beat this thing if he’s not going to tell us anything.”

“I wonder if that’s intentional,” Akira sighs. “If he’s told us before and failed, maybe us going in blind again is his attempt at trying something different.”

“Well, it’s not doing much right now,” Morgana huffs. “Besides, what is he going to do about Shido? Is he still going to kill Haru’s father? How far back in time has he gone?” Morgana pauses and glares at the door, “I wonder if he even regrets what he did to Futaba’s mom and Haru’s dad.” 

Akira wants to believe that he does. He wants to believe that Akechi truly wanted to fix his past mistakes. One of their conversations seemed to hint at his regret. At his wish to restart and not do what he had done. Knowing what he does of mementos, of Shido, of his own demise, would he still repeat everything that he did if he restarted all the way to when he was sixteen? Would the loop have broken if he didn’t kill Wakaba? 

Akira’s tempted to call him, to ask him that, but he doesn’t think he’ll get a straight answer. Akechi never does, not anymore. 

There are so many questions he wants to ask him.

_ How far back have you gone? _

_ Would you do everything again? _

Akira hates the last question more than anything. Hates that it was by far the most annoying question that pops up in his head. Would Akechi even answer that honestly?

“We should ask him,” Morgana suddenly says, jolting Akira from his thoughts and he prays he hasn’t said anything out loud without noticing. “Ask him about Futaba’s mom and Haru’s dad.”

“Right.”

“Away from them. Last thing we need is them reacting to everything he says. Especially if it’s not necessarily the truth.”

The last part is said with evident annoyance. The conversation from earlier driving them all in an uncomfortable position of not knowing whether Akechi is being truthful or not. He hates it. Absolutely hates it. 

"You're… you are together aren't you?" Morgana asks hesitantly. Akira almost doesn't know how to answer. After finding out everything, their relationship has been tense. Friendship and otherwise. 

"I think so."

"You think so?" Morgana furrows his brow in concern. 

"In the last cycle, before…"  _ before Akechi died _ . "...we were. I don't… I don't know about now." 

He wants so bad for them to stay together though. Maybe though, he doesn't mean nearly as much to Akechi as he does to him. He tries not to let that get to him but—

"You need to talk about that too," Morgana says firmly. "I can tell it's bothering you." 

There were so many things to talk about. Too many things. His head hurt. Morgana looked at him sympathetically.

"This is way more than any of us bargained for. You should go to bed early today," Morgana stretched. "You look tired, Akira."

He is. So he nods, no one is coming in at this point, the sky is dark now. He closes up the store and trudges up the staircase to his room and suddenly registers the buzzing of his phone. How long has that been going on? Morgana frowns.

"You need to sleep," Morgana insists. "You're out of it, Akira."

"Yeah," he crawls into bed and looks at his phone. Over a hundred in the group chat, two from Akechi. He opens Akechi's.

_ Will you be free tomorrow?  _

_ Let me know. _

The easy answer is  _ yes _ , but he has to wonder if it will be any different than today. Now, more than ever, Akira is having a hard time discerning Akechi’s intentions. He hates it, the space between them. 

_ Why? _

Akira replies before going to the Phantom Thieves chat and seeing what they’ve been talking about. A lot of it… has to do with Akechi and the loop. Confusion abound within the group and Akira is left trying to pick up the pieces. 

He doesn’t want to engage, but he’s their leader. Just… his mind is so  _ scrambled _ he doesn’t think he can’t put any of them at ease. From Makoto and Yusuke’s reasoning, to Ryuji and Futaba’s exclamations, Akira really doesn’t know which to tackle first.

Morgana sighs, “Akira, you can deal with it tomorrow. They can live without you for a couple of hours.”

“They’ll want to hear how it went with Akechi.”

“You obviously need time to process everything,” Morgana reasons. “Plus, it’s obvious this is affecting you more because of your relationship with him. Take your time.”

_ Maybe _ . Morgana is right, but Akira knows that when he sleeps he’ll have nightmares. He hates it. He doesn’t really think he has that much time to process things anyway.

His phone goes off. Four new messages from Akechi. 

_ Things have been… off between us lately. _

_ I haven’t been approachable. _

_ I apologize. I’m just tired, Akira. _

_ I’ll be better tomorrow _ .

Akechi doesn’t owe him an apology. If anything, Akira should apologize to him for failing him so many times. He wonders how many times they’ve had this conversation. How old is this conversation? Is it older than him now? 


	2. Chapter 2

Akira doesn’t remember ever having issues with touching Akechi in the past and yet, today, when their hands accidentally brush up against each other as they get ready in Leblanc to walk to the Jazz Jin, Akira feels like he’s been electrocuted. Not a tiny shock, but a sharp pain that starts in his finger tip and grows exponentially until he has an agonizing headache, flashes of white hot pain, and then nothing. The sound of chatting, the sound of Akechi calling out to him. 

But it sounds so far away.

So far from the quiet cafe of Leblanc.

He opens his eyes, adjusting them to the daylight that most definitely wasn’t there before. It was later in the evening when they decided to head to the Jazz Jin in a somber silence produced by the fact the two of them most definitely had too much on their mind. 

Music is playing and it’s almost too loud.

“Are you okay? Akira?” 

When Akira’s eyes finally focus he’s staring at… Akechi? But he’s dressed differently. His hair is pulled back, no longer shaggy. He looks less tired, the bags under his eyes faint, almost non-existent. He looks _healthy_. Something Akira would not have described him as a few seconds ago. He’s in a different jacket, black, long and buttoned only halfway revealing his white buttoned up shirt underneath.

“...Should we go home? You don’t look too well,” his brow is furrowed in concern and he almost looks cute. Though he knows Akechi would hate him for saying as such. 

What he wants to ask is, “What’s going on? Weren’t they just headed for the Jazz Jin?”

What comes out of his mouth is, “Yeah, I’m fine Goro. Just a little tired.”

Akira nearly bites his tongue and Akechi’s eye’s widen. _Goro_? When was the last time he let that name slip between his lips? 

Akechi smiles though, “If you’re sure. Let’s find a seat so you can catch your breath, yes?” 

Akechi doesn’t wait for a response, gently taking Akira’s hand in his as he guides him through the crowd. Akira doesn’t resist, he doesn’t have the strength to resist as so many questions fly through his mind. Is this real? Is he dreaming?

 _Goro_?

When Akechi turns around next, Akira gasps for air, jolting upwards nearly headbutting Akechi who’s...hovering above him? He hisses as he hurriedly backs away to avoid the collision. A startled, “ _Akira?!”_ escapes his lips as he falls backwards and Akira regains his composure.

“Akira, what in the world…?” Akechi gasps and Morgana jumps to Akira’s side yelling at Akechi.

“What did you do to him?” Morgana shouts angrily.

“I—” Rubbing his forehead, Akira can see Akechi trying to process everything. “I didn’t do anything! He just… Forget it, Akira, are you okay?”

“I don’t know,” he replies a little helplessly. There’s no more pain. He thought for sure he would have collided and hit his head on the ground, but the instant headache from before his gone and he doesn’t feel any pain. He stares at Akechi who is now bickering with Morgana and he sees his knuckles, red and most certainly going to bruise later.

 _He caught him_. Saved him from what would have likely been a concussion with how suddenly the pain hit him and how quickly he lost consciousness. 

“You saved me,” Akira mutters under his breath, quiet, but it stops the two from arguing. Akechi avoids his gaze and Morgana looks between the two. The other obviously didn't want to talk about why he did that. Any other time and he was certain that Akechi would have let him take the hit. Sojiro comes out complaining about a ruckus before stopping in his tracks to see the sight on the ground. 

“Now… What the hell happened here?” he asks, making his way over. 

Akira begins standing up, “I’m trying to figure that out myself, boss.” He holds his hand out for Akechi without thinking and he hesitantly takes his hand, confusion and concern on his face. Akira would feel touched if he didn’t instantly get hit with flashes of images. 

_Akechi helping him to a bench._

_Them smiling and laughing. Eating ice cream in a park._

_A little older, a little happier_.

_What?_

“...Perhaps we should postpone this outing,” Akechi suddenly says. “Akira, get some rest.”

“I’ve slept enough,” he finds himself absently replying.

Akechi shakes his head, brows furrowed in concern and annoyance, “Obviously not. Take care of yourself. If you fall, well… you know how that plays out.”

 _No_ , he thinks. He doesn’t remember those at all. All he remembers is seeing Akechi die in five different ways - the others only remember three -- and the agonizing pang in his heart. The breakdown. The pleading for Akechi to not do it _again_. 

Likely, it plays out the same way, but Akechi doesn’t quite grieve for him the way Akira does. 

Is he foolish for still being in love with someone whose feelings he doesn’t even know exist any longer? Desperately clinging to a past time and Akechi has fallen out of love with him now?

“Akira,” Akechi’s voice is soft and for a moment, it’s just them again, alone. “I’ll be back tomorrow if you feel up to it. Just text me. You have a phone for a reason.” Akira wonders sometimes why he reserves this softness for him and then switches so quickly to that sarcastic, snappy young man that Akira also loves. 

Yet, this kindness that Akechi shares with him doesn’t feel like that facade he used to live his life by. He leaves before Akira can respond. Before Morgana can nag him again. Before Sojiro can ask what happened again.

He doesn't miss how he rubs his knuckles, he'll have to check in to see if he takes care of them later. Akira doesn't miss the wince and the way he rubs his forehead. Did they collide? 

Truth is, he doesn’t know and he’s left wondering if Akechi knows what happened. If Akechi knows what he just saw or if Akira momentarily went crazy with a desperateness for Akechi to see it through to the end. To see a future of the two of them together, with no weight on their shoulders, happy.

 _Together_.

He wonders if that’s too far fetched. How long has it been since Akechi dreamed of that, if he ever did?

He tries not to dwell on it, he looks at the Phantom Thieves chat. Sei’s palace is next. But do they do it? Or does she remember too? Does Sojiro remember? Do any of the people that have had their hearts changed…

Do they remember too?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm just keeping it as chapters now haha!  
> 


	3. Chapter 3

Akechi has more free time than Akira remembers him having before. He doesn't do as much with Shido and that worries Akira. Will Shido get mad at Akechi? How much is he risking by ignoring Shido's calls? 

Akechi dismisses his concerns, "Let him get mad."

"Akechi— Goro, what if he hurts you?" Akira tests the name out. Oddly, it leaves his lips easily and Akechi blinks a few times before smirking. Yet, there's something behind it, something almost…  _ sad _ .

_ What are you hiding? _

"I'm surprised, you didn't even call me that in the last cycle," when they were dating.

"I feel like we've reached that… is it okay if I call you that?" 

Akechi shrugs, "I don't mind. You've called me that before."

Akira nods, secretly happy that he doesn't mind it, "You didn't answer my previous question."

"What? If he hurts me?" Akechi grins and for some reason that unsettles Akira more than it eases him. "I've maneuvered this before, what he thinks I've done and what I've actually done are often at odds with each other now. Has been for a while." 

_ At odds? _ What does that mean? Goro only raises his eyebrows with the grin still on his face as Akira silently poses the question. Does he bother asking? There is already a long list of things he does need to ask him and some are more pressing than the others. At least that partially answers the previous question. He  _ is _ still working with Shido, but to what extent is left vague and he highly doubts Akechi will elaborate.

Regardless, Akira is known for his persistence, “What does that mean? At odds?”

Akechi shrugs and waves over the owner of the Jazz Jin to get them drinks. Akira almost forgot where they were. Everything is background noise to him right now, solely focused on Akechi and the many other thoughts swirling around in his head. 

“Just as it sounds.”

Great, he’ll press that one again later when he is in the mood.

“How far back have you gone?” 

At that question, Akechi pauses considering Akira for a moment.

“Why do you ask?”

_ You know why. _

“I’m curious. If you changed anything you did prior,” Akira continues. He figures mentioning Wakaba in the Jazz Jin would be a bad idea. He would much rather just enjoy his time with Akechi, but here he is playing twenty questions and only getting one or two answers. 

“Perhaps,” Akechi crosses his legs. “I don’t know what telling you now will do. Now knowing what  _ he _ plans to do with me in the end would make you wonder if I would do it all again, no? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, after all.”

“Are you insane?” Akira asks.

“I’m here aren’t I?” Akechi stares past Akira’s shoulder. At nothing, but probably seeing something that Akira can’t see, something that Akira can’t  _ remember _ . “Fifteen and counting.”

The unsaid, " _ I would rather not be,"  _ lingers in the thick air.

Akira clears his throat and Akechi slowly tears his eyes away from the invisible sight. He blinks once, twice, before breaking into an eerie smile. Akira hates it, reminds him all too well of how tormented Akechi must be with the fact that he does relive so many events and yet  _ nothing _ changes. But how many years has he had to relive? While Akechi hates speaking of his past, what little he has shared has been nothing good. Has he had to relive those years of torment without changing a thing? Alone with no one to tell? How often has he told Akira something only for it to be forgotten? A white board as a diary where once all is said and done, you erase it as if it was never there in the first place. 

“Have you ever tried… never meeting us?” Akira asks. “Never meeting  _ him _ . Never getting involved in this life in the first place.”

Something flickers in Akechi’s eyes, “I’ve tried many times to never meet you Akira. Somehow… somehow you always show up. And with you always comes that little posse of yours.” 

Akira doesn’t know why that makes him happy. That somehow he is a constant in Akechi’s life even if the other doesn’t seem all too thrilled by that. 

“So… from what I’ve learned,” Akira begins recapping aloud. “You’ve done this fifteen times—”

“As far as I can remember, yes.”

“I only remember five," and yet the others remember only three... "You are still affiliated with  _ him _ , but what you say you’ll do is often at odds with what you actually do… whatever that means—”

“Just as it sounds.”

“If you ever plan on cutting me off with something substantial to actually add, let me know,” Akira rolls his eyes. Akechi snorts and waves for him to continue. “You don’t mind me calling you Goro, I have before. We’re still…” Akira clears his throat. “I think we’re still dating…”

Akechi frowns, “I suppose. That’s up to you.”

“Why is that up to me?”

“Everything is up to you,” Akechi mutters. “I have my memories. It’s you who changes things. If you forget me, we’re not. If you remember me and want to end things, then fine.”

“...Have we been together in every cycle?”

He’s heading into uncomfortable territory for him. Their relationship had been touch and go in the past cycle, but seeing Akechi smile was something he would never regret. Something he hopes he never forgets. 

Yet, that… vision? Dream? Comes to the forefront, of them walking to the bench, eating—

“No,” Akechi answers swiftly, bluntly. “Not every one.”

“I’m sorry,” Akira finds himself saying. Akechi doesn’t ask why — they both already know. “...Why do you still love me if…?” He’s terribly uncomfortable with these questions knowing what he does. He still loves Akechi and deep down he knows that even in the cycles they didn’t end up together whether because Akira forgot and they ran out of time, or simply because he was too nervous to act on it. 

Akechi shrugs again and Akira finds himself wanting to do  _ something _ about those shoulders of his, “Love is a fickle thing I don’t try to understand anymore. If I asked myself every time we didn’t end up together  _ why _ . Why you didn’t fall in love with me again, why we didn’t have time to try again…  _ well _ , as I said, the definition of insanity is—”

“Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results,” Akira only nods but realizes that Akechi has confirmed that he’s  _ never _ stopped loving Akira. Akechi smirks and nods a thank you as their drinks are brought to them. It’s moments like these where Akira can see the age in Akechi. Even if physically he’s still eighteen, the way he looks, the lack of energy, the lack of hatred in his eyes. 

_ “If only we could have met sooner. _ ”

Did they? Did Akechi do that once? Is that why he’s mellowed out? Or is it all an accumulation of reliving everything so many times that despite his youth he almost appears to be much older, much more mature? He doubts he’ll get an answer to any of those questions.

“How is your hand?”

The other boy blinks for a second as if trying to figure out what Akira was asking. Akira chuckles a little and takes Akechi’s hand without thinking intending on flipping it over to show him the marks from yesterday, when—

_ “I’m fine, Akira,” Akechi is frowning at him. “You don’t have to worry about me all the time.” _

_ “Yes, I do,” Akira hears himself say. “I love you, of course I do.” _

“Akira?” Akechi asks, squeezing his hand. “Snap out of it. You’re doing the same thing as yesterday.”

Akira sucks in a sharp breath and he can’t quite read Akechi’s expression. He still feels like he’s floating in that weird limbo of being physical and not. Stuck in present day and… whatever he just saw. 

Akechi cocks his head to the side, “What is going on with you?”

“This… hasn’t happened before?” Akira wishes it had if only to get answers.

Akechi raises an eyebrow, “What hasn’t happened before?” He pauses and the singing starts. Usually, Akechi goes silent during these parts, a peaceful expression takes over his face, but tonight, he stares intently at Akira as if trying to figure out the answers himself. “What exactly is happening?”

“I…” Akira clears his throat. “It’s like I’m seeing something. I hear our voices. I see  _ you _ .”

“Interesting,” is all Akechi can say. “Odd… this is a first.”

“Am I remembering the previous attempts?” Akira wonders.

Akechi shrugs, “That’s a possibility. If so, that might be helpful here, as much as I hate how it seems to incapacitate you.” The concern laced in the last part of that statement warms him. 

Akira frowns, “You do that a lot now.” Akechi cocks his head to the side. “Shrug.”

He looks tempted to do it again but catches himself, “I find that it sums up my feelings quite well these days.” Akechi looks at his knuckles. “I had forgotten about this until you said something. I suppose I should have iced it yesterday, it looks worse than it is.”

“Thanks for saving my head yesterday,” Akira smirks. 

“Well, I—”

“Just accept my thanks, you idiot,” Akira laughs. Akechi stares him down before cracking a smile himself. 

“You’re welcome,” Akechi responds. 

They fall into a comfortable silence as they listen to the music and Akira can’t help but think about how beautiful Akechi is when he is at peace. He wants to win this time, if only so Akechi doesn’t have to suffer again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will probably post only on the weekends, but depends on how I'm feeling!


	4. Chapter 4

Ever since they started talking about the cycles, Akira has noticed the little details in Akechi. Them remembering things has changed him in ways that Akira wouldn’t have realized otherwise. In other cycles, the first of five, Akechi had apparently played the role he always played. Pretended to be an ally only to turn on them at the end and die in Shido’s palace thus restarting the cycle. In the second Akira remembers what happened previously and in an attempt to stop Akechi from doing that again, tries to befriend him sooner while being painfully unaware that Akechi had remembered everything before what even Akira remembered. 

Akira remembers it being much easier to get Akechi to open up than the first time they spoke but he never chalked it up to him remembering everything. He just thought he misjudged Akechi  _ horribly  _ in his first run. Yes, he still did, but there was a much larger factor of Akechi just not revealing shit to him. 

Yet, he was still unable to stop him from pulling the same stupid stunt.

Then, the third run and he realized that he wasn’t the only one to remember. Ryuji was the first one to bring it up to him and was also the first one to dismiss it all as crazy talk. Then Ann and the others came clean and Akira thought just  _ maybe _ they’d have a shot. All that was left was convincing Akechi to  _ not _ get himself killed again. 

Proved to be a futile thing, but Akechi did reveal in his final moments that he remembered them from the previous runs only to find themselves in the fourth one and Akechi had remembered everything and remained silent. Akira understood his hesitancy to explain everything and also his exhaustion in having to explain everything every time, but it could make a difference. It might change things enough for them to win. Not that Akira truly knows  _ what _ they have to change to win. 

But now he sees the exhaustion in the way Akechi holds himself. He already took no shit from anyone, but now… it was less agitated and aggressive and more reserved, bored as if he heard everything they said to him before. 

His response was that of an older person talking to a child. Restrained, knowing it would take more energy to be frustrated and argue than if he just sat there and answered with the patience of a wise man. A bone-deep exhaustion showed on his face with each passing day. At times, he wonders if Akechi sleeps. The bags under his eyes are prominent, something Akechi would never show under normal circumstances. And though he still puts up the facade for the public, the Akechi he has seen in previous runs compares very little to the person he sees today. 

If Akechi wanted to be an actor in another life, he would be very good at it. 

Beside him, Akechi is rubbing his forehead again, wincing occasionally as if in pain. Akira wants to reach out and touch him, but the last few times he did that, he got shocked into seeing past runs. He doesn’t like not being able to come in contact with Akechi, but he doesn’t know what is triggering it besides touching him. 

“Hey,” Akira tries breaking the chatter of his friends around him. “You okay?” Akechi’s lack of response doesn’t shock him. In fact, he doesn’t think Akechi realizes he’s talking to him. “Goro.”

Akechi blinks slowly and raises his head to meet Akira’s gaze, “What?”

Akira frowns, “Headache?” 

“Something like that, yes,” Akechi mutters, sounding as uncomfortable as he looks. Unconsciously, he begins rubbing his hand up and down Akechi's arm in an attempt to comfort him. 

“I’ve seen you do that a lot recently,” Akira says, keeping his voice quiet. Anything louder and he fears he may make it worse with the way Akechi is looking. The others he notices, are still engaged in their own conversation. “You didn’t do it as much in the last run. Are they worse?”

Akechi hums and leans back against the booth sighing. To Akira's surprise, Akechi places his hand on top of Akira's that currently rests on his arm. Briefly, Akechi squeezes his eyes tightly before redirecting his attention to Akira, speaking slowly as if it takes a great deal of effort. “Surprisingly, yes. Even more surprising is that you remember at all.”

Akira tries not to flinch at that statement and carefully brushes the hair out of Akechi’s face fully prepared to be smacked in the face with another memory of a past run, but nothing happens. Instead, he just hears Akechi hum his face relaxing as he breathes out a quiet sigh. Akira tries not to let the concern show, knowing Akechi would scold him if he had the energy to.

“One to ten?” Akira asks carefully, gently. It's so unusual to see him like this. "Goro?"

Akechi just barely raises four fingers.

“Okay, better than I thought it was going to be,” Akira admits. Though, he thinks it's likely worse than he said. “Can I do anything for you?”

Akechi doesn’t respond. It takes Akira a moment to realize that Akechi has fallen asleep, the exhaustion catching up to him as his head slowly falls onto Akira’s shoulder. He’ll wake up with a crook in his neck and frustration that Akira didn’t wake him up, but the peaceful expression on his face and seeing him finally get some much-needed sleep stops Akira from doing anything to wake him up. Are the migraines from the lack of sleep? Does he even sleep anymore? The bags under his eyes suggest otherwise, but what keeps him from sleeping?

“He’s really out of it, huh,” Ann mutters. Akira turns quickly to face her. “Sorry, we weren’t eavesdropping, we promise.”

“It wasn’t like they were having a private conversation,” Ryuji mutters. “They’re right here after all.”

“Ryuji...” Makoto sighs. “Regardless, we need to start discussing our next moves if we want to avoid a repeat of… previous events.” They look to Akira, but truth be told, he doesn’t know what to do either. 

Akira does a one-shoulder shrug to not jostle Akechi, “He hasn’t told me much of anything. He mentioned that we got close to winning before, but he hasn’t divulged any details yet. I’m going to press him for it.” 

They nod, but he doesn’t miss the downcast expression on Haru’s face. That’s right… now is around the time they…

“Will he do the same thing to my father?” Haru asks softly. “Did he do the same thing to Futaba’s mother?”

“If he did knowing  _ everything  _ that has happened, I refuse to work with him,” Futaba huffs. “Given all these chances and he doesn’t care enough to change? Unforgivable.”

“We don’t know how far back he’s actually gone or if he was given the chance to fix anything, yet,” Yusuke reasons. “If anything, he may only start from when Akira first came to Shujin.”

“That seems to be the point we keep returning to, so that may be the same for him,” Ann nods. 

But Futaba’s face is dark, her expression unreadable. He understands her anger, her frustration, but not cooperating is bound to keep them in the loop longer. Considering he wasn’t willing to answer Akira’s questions about if he changed anything regarding Futaba’s mother and Haru’s father in the past makes Akira worried.

Then again, he kept making reference to insanity and repetition, so maybe he didn’t.

Akira wishes he was just upfront with him. 

"Either way," Akira glances at Akechi. "We can save your father Haru. Now that he doesn't have to play the role he was prior."

“He shouldn’t have played it in the first place.”

_ Yes _ ,  _ well you’re beating a dead horse with a stick at this point _ , Akira thinks. There is no use in dwelling on what he did in the past when they so clearly can’t change it at this point. 

“My point stands,” Futaba mutters. “We ask him as soon as he wakes up.”

“It may be best if we don’t know,” Makoto comments. “We don’t precisely know what changes have caused us to fail in the past. Perhaps him withholding certain information is because of the knowledge of his past experiences.”

Futaba stares straight ahead, “What do you see in that guy anyway Akira? Knowing everything he has done? Knowing that he tried to kill you in the past?” She does very little to hide the disgust in her voice. 

If only he could put into words what it was that kept drawing him back to Akechi. He was certain Akechi was the same. They’ve done this so many times, yet their meeting seems fated no matter what. 

Were they always fated to fall in love?

“Never mind,” Futaba shakes her head. “I think it’s better if I don’t know.” She folds her arms, “If he even thinks about killing Haru’s father again, that’s it. There’s no point in trying again.”

“What if his death is necessary to move forward?” Ann says hesitantly, the dread permeating through. It’s thick and suddenly very hard to swallow. For a moment, no one says anything. Haru looks horrified at the prospect, struck at even the suggestion that her father  _ had _ to die for this to all end. He hears Ryuji mutter something under his breath. Something under the lines of “ _ that’s fucked up _ ,” but they all know it. They  _ know _ that and that’s what makes it worse. 

It’s been the elephant in the room for a while. Something Akira never wanted to bring up but knew that it was going to eventually. He was glad it was Ann of all people. Either Ann or Makoto — both were best to handle such a delicate topic.

This looming dread that in the end, all the deaths? Were necessary for change. No matter the cost of their own sanity, their own happiness, their own desires. 

“We’ll just have to see, won’t we?” Akechi hums on Akira’s shoulder but his eyes are still shut, cutting into the too thick silence. Even with that, the weight doesn’t leave Akira’s chest. “I’ve gone without and we see where that got us. That being said…” he frowns as he sat up. “Other things did follow after that… Though you all weren’t exactly cooperative then either, so I suppose it doesn’t matter much in the end.”

“By other things, you mean Shido?” Ryuji asks. 

“Precisely.”

Akira tries not to dwell on the implications of that. 

“So what? You’ll just kill him if it’s necessary.”

Akechi doesn’t bother responding and that may be worse than if he did. 

“We need a plan,” Akira cuts off whatever Futaba was going to say. “If you don’t follow through with what Shido wants, what will happen to you?”

“The obvious thing is that he’ll send someone to kill me,” Akechi states bluntly. “I’ll figure it out, worry about your own plans.”

Akira didn’t like that one bit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas to everyone who celebrates it!


	5. Chapter 5

“He’s… different than I thought,” Ann plays with her hair as they stand on the rooftop of Shujin. Her words hesitant as if continuing to speak on the matter outside of Leblanc was a bad idea. It may be, he can tell the others are all tired of the situation. Their shoulders sag, their eyes weary, dull and he hopes they don’t all stay up at night like him thinking about this. They _can’t_. He knows that will be their downfall. A part of him knows that ended them before. 

He doesn’t know how or why, but now he just has an instinct. A certain voice in his head that tells him when certain things are starting to go wrong. 

That voice almost always sounds like Akechi. 

Ann continues slowly, trying to piece together what she thinks of Akechi now, “I mean, seeing him in Shido’s Palace all those times and then comparing him to now… It doesn’t even feel like he’s the same person.”

“Tell me about it,” Ryuji shoves his hands into his pockets. “I mean he’s still an asshole—”

“ _Ryuji_.”

“Am I wrong?” Ryuji huffs. “Anyway, seeing him make himself all psychotic and then… you know now he’s just… kind of lame? Like I thought he wasn’t a stick in the mud after seeing him in the boiler room — not that I wanted him to be that way. But now…”

Ann looks at Akira, “He seems tired. Older.” Akira nods. “I guess doing this so many times does that to you.”

“Guess he’s a good actor,” Ryuji scoffs. “By the way, you don’t think he’ll still kill Haru’s father right? Like… he wouldn’t right?”

Ann pauses and Akira bites his lip. The question kept him up all night. Pretending to sleep didn’t work, and he ended up texting Akechi not expecting a response. He shouldn’t have been surprised to find that he was awake. He _knows_ Akechi doesn’t sleep, not like he should. Knows that Akechi probably has worse nightmares than him at this point and yet, he carries himself as if nothing is wrong. At least, nothing more than a bone deep exhaustion at having to repeat the same conversations, the same activities, eat the same food, wear the same clothes every single time. A whole year being repeated over and over and over again. 

Deep down, he wants to _believe_ because of everything he’s been through that he wouldn’t. That he doesn’t _want_ to. But he doesn’t know if fate has that in store for them. If Haru’s father is destined to die, then somehow he’ll die anyway even if not by Akechi’s hand. 

That seemed to be implied by Akechi too.

A part of him thinks that Akechi would still be blamed for it anyway. 

Which then begged the question, was Akechi destined to die anyway? It was always the god forsaken boiler room that took him which Akira imagines where he first died at the start of the loop and to keep things consistent he kept dying there until they were aware of the loop. If they do everything right, will Akechi still die? 

Is he never allowed to get out of this loop himself?

“He didn’t even stay long enough for us to plan anything with him. He never does.”

Akira jolts up at the sound of Ryuji’s voice dragging him back to the conversation and not the pain of his thoughts.

_That can’t be… right?_

“A part of me thinks he already knows what we’re going to do. I mean, we’ve done this before,” Ann folds her arms. “Does he need to be there for planning? Do _we_ need to plan? At this point, I know the palace like the back of my hand.” 

“...The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results,” Akira mutters under his breath as if saying it would bring him some grand revelation. _But what should he change? Or is this not the place to be making big changes? Maybe not changing his heart? Or removing him from Shido’s hit list…_

Nothing seems plausible. 

“What was that about insanity?” Ryuji asks. “Earth to Akira. Been zoning out for a while now.” 

“Sorry, just talking to myself,” he mumbles. 

Ann and Ryuji exchange glances. Ann begins to hum to herself as she rocks back and forth on her heels, curls bouncing as she does so. She looks nervous, worried. He hates how much this seems to have fractured the group. Stuck in the throws of this seemingly never ending cycle, not knowing where they’re going wrong nor what they’re doing right. Akechi said they had gotten close. He didn’t say how many or what they did. 

Or even how he knew that they got close to escaping this. 

“Has he said anything about his headaches or migraines or whatever they are? Seems more like bad migraines if you ask me… he winced everytime Ryuji yelled...” Ann asks suddenly, side-eying the other blond. “He seems to have them rather frequently.”

“Hey—”

“I wish,” Akira replies, cutting off Ryuji’s protests. “I can’t really get him to talk about it much at all.”

“Great, so the dude won’t let us help him _nor_ let us help ourselves. What good is he going to do us?”

“ _Ryuji_ ,” Ann sighs. “This has to be difficult for him too. I mean, he remembers _fifteen_ of our attempts. I can’t imagine how many times we’ve asked him the same questions only for him to have to repeat himself over and over again. After a while, I think even I would be as tired as him.” 

“I don’t remember him having them like this in the previous attempt,” Akira comments. “Which is why this worries me.”

Ryuji shrugs, “Knowing him, he was probably just better at covering it up since he didn’t know we were aware and all that shit.”

Akira only shrugs. He had thought the same, but he can’t say for sure if that’s the truth and Akechi is refusing to confirm or deny any of his comments. At this point, they may be better off just going about their business and Akechi will likely step in when needed. At least he hopes so.

“Listen, dude,” Ryuji catches his attention but he’s staring at the ground. “I want to trust him like you do, but he’s done some fucked up shit and hasn’t given any sign that he’s not going to do it again. Kind of with Futaba and Haru on that one.” He kicks at the ground, “I mean, hell, the principal still ended up dead. That was all him, wasn’t it? Not that I liked the guy, but I mean, sheesh.”

Akira knows this. Knows how wrong it is, how much of a betrayal it is to them to see him love him the way he does but… _but..._

“I get where you all are coming from,” Ann says. “But seeing it from his point of view... maybe him redoing the same thing over and over again was his way of seeing if we actually remembered things. If he kept changing things up, who knows if we might have even figured out we were reliving the same thing.”

He finds himself wondering about Ann. How she always seems to be the one looking at the “bright” side of Akechi despite everything he did. Everyone else has some sort of history with him, or just hates him for existing.

“Still a murderer,” Ryuji grumbles.

“Maybe,” Akira stares right at the duo. “We’ll do what we can to prevent Okumura’s death. I’m going to stay behind after we beat his cognition. Give you guys the treasure to escape with and make sure Akechi doesn’t do anything.”

“Isn’t that dangerous?” Ann asks, wide-eyed. “Doesn’t the palace start collapsing?”

“Yeah, that sounds like a bad idea,” Ryuji pulls out his phone. “Definitely should run that by the group.” 

Akira shrugs, “I need to make sure he doesn’t kill him.” 

There’s nothing else he can do after all. He doesn’t know anything, doesn’t know how this works and neither does Akechi. He’s just doing what he can at this point. And a part of him knows that Akechi wouldn't let him die in there anyway 

“If I may,” Morgana suddenly pops out of the bag causing Ryuji to jump a little. _Right_ , Morgana had been so oddly silent, he completely forgot he was here. “While I hate to endanger our leader, it might be a good idea. Though, staying behind may also add some tension. Proves we don’t trust him.”

“Well, we don’t!” Ryuji exclaims. “I ain’t trying to hide it either.”

“Shut up, Ryuji,” Morgana huffs. “That’s not the point. The point is, if we want to move forward in this, we have to cooperate regardless of our personal feelings on the matter. I don’t like it anymore than you do and no offense Akira, but I don’t necessarily like him.” Akira doesn’t comment, he barely even looks at Morgana. “....But quite frankly, I think he’s our last hope. Given the fact that we’ve forgotten before, I’m not willing to let this chance fall through. If we remember now, we have to give everything we got to break through. Even if we’re working with him.”

“Now, if only we could convince Futaba that,” Ann laments. “She is hard pressed on not joining with him, and I mean I get it, but… Honestly, all of our lives are at stake here and I’m not necessarily interested in being stuck here, especially if I start remembering _every_ attempt like him. Plus,” she pauses. “Well, truth be told, we don’t exactly know how much has changed _prior_ to meeting him.”

“Does it make a difference?”

“For right now? No,” Morgana answers. “But that is a good point. As far as we’re concerned, this Akechi is completely different from the one we faced before. Let’s have faith in that.”

For what it was worth, he was at least happy to see some of them trying to work with Akechi, even if it is forced. Now maybe bringing in the others one by one would help. Yusuke would probably be the best. He always had a weird understanding of Akechi’s situation much like Ann. 

Maybe…

Maybe he can get this one right.

When he returns to _Leblanc_ after classes, Akechi is already there, reading. He blinks a little when Sojiro greets Akira and looks up slowly. He smiles a little. 

“Welcome home.”

Akira can’t resist, he knows he’s said this before but, “Honey, I’m home.”

Akechi smirks, “You’re back awfully late.” 

Despite everything, he does relish in the small, insignificant consistencies in each of the loops he remembers. Appreciates that Akechi will still play along with that even if Akechi, to him, is like coming home. He's a constant in his life that he could never lose. He never wants to lose him. If, _when_ , they get out of this, it has to be with him. He can't do it without. Akira will never be able to accept that fate in all its terrifying glory, expects Akechi to lay down his life after having to live and fight for the future of others. 

Some of which will never know he was fighting for them. Some who never get that strange sense of deja vu— 

Sojiro asks, unexpectedly, “Haven’t you said that before? Is that how you’re always going to greet each other now?” He huffs a laugh and mutters something under his breath but Akira is too surprised to hear Sojiro recall something from a _past_ loop. 

Akechi hums and watches Sojiro walk away seemingly also a little surprised. Akira looks at Akechi’s empty cup trying to piece together what that means. Will Sae remember everything? Takemi didn’t remember anything… He had to re-establish all of the confidants…

“What are you thinking about?” Akechi asks.

“Sojiro… remembered something I said in a past loop—”

“It’s hardly the first time we’ve had that exchange.”

Akira sets his bag beside Akechi, “That’s the point. This isn’t even the same time I’ve said it in the past. So… it’s similar to what you’ve done. Will he remember…?”

Akechi cocks his head to the side, humming in thought. His eyes shut and Akira can’t tell if he’s trying to remember past loops or is actually pondering if this is a possibility. They sit in silence, the TV still playing. The only other person around is a usual that Akira has served multiple times. He doesn’t say anything, doesn’t even acknowledge their presence and Akira can’t complain. Though he does hope that the business will keep Sojiro afloat, he won’t deny that he does appreciate the quiet of the cafe. 

“As far as I’m aware, he along with Sae only knew if you told them in that loop,” Akechi responds with a faraway look. “Sae has not mentioned anything about it. I don’t know. Maybe you should try it.”

“How do you get people to remember?” Akira asks almost desperately. Is he on to something? Does he have to make all of his confidants remember? Do they all have to be aware of the loop to remember? 

Akechi shrugs slowly, tiredly, “If I knew, there wouldn’t be so many loops where you didn’t remember.” Akira nods, pulling at the center lock of hair that hangs on his forehead thinking.

Because that’s all he can ever do nowadays. 

_Think_. 

Akira shifts gears and takes Akechi’s cup back, going into auto-pilot and fixing him another cup of coffee. Akechi opens his mouth as if to protest, but something on Akira's face must make him stop. He thinks better when he’s going through the motions. When he doesn’t have to think about what he’s doing right _now_. 

“What book are you reading?” Akira asks.

Akechi hums, and flips over the cover. Akira suddenly realizes that he’s not reading at all. 

Akira smiles, “Well, no need to lie on my account. If you’re not reading it, it’s fine.”

Akechi hesitates, “It’s… it’s not a book really.”

Akira frowns, focusing on the words and notices a familiar print, “Working still? Relax, please.”

“It’s,” Akechi just laughs. “Don’t worry about it.” 

Now, Akira’s curiosity has peaked. It’s not a book. It’s obviously not work or he would have confirmed it easily. Akira places the coffee in front of him. 

“Writing something?” Akira asks cautiously.

“You don’t remember this,” it’s not a question. He says it with such a resigned exhaustion, Akira feels bad. “Then don’t worry about it.”

“Goro, how in the world am I going to solve anything if you won’t tell me shit?” Akira snaps, the frustration beginning to overwhelm him. Akechi eyes dart up to his face, a deep scowl settling in it. He almost wants to take it back. _Almost_.

“I obviously told you before and that didn’t do anything.”

“Did you kill the principal?” Akira asks abruptly, exasperated, tired. "Did you kill him again?"

Akechi blinks owlishly. He stares at Akira in silence for a moment, sizing him up, trying to read something Akira doesn’t have the words for. In a quiet, irritated whisper, he asks, “Does it matter?”

“Yes,” Akira states firmly, staring straight at Akechi. Yet, Akechi has returned to the book, refusing to even acknowledge that Akira is physically present right in front of him. “Yes it does.”

_What are you hiding? Why? Why are you keeping me in the dark?_

“Why is that?” Akechi asks, still focused on the book before him. Akira doubts he’s reading it, but it gives him the excuse to look anywhere but at his boyfriend. He can’t possibly tell what could be so important about it, since he won’t tell him _anything_. “You didn’t like him anyway. No one did.”

Akira stares at him trying to _will_ him to look up, to meet his gaze. To stop ignoring the obvious. Akira gets that he’s tired, but he has to at least _try_ to work with them. _Please_.

Akira clears his throat when the silence draws out too long, hoping that maybe Akechi will look up at him with that. _Nothing_. 

“For obvious reasons, not everyone trusts you,” Akira states bluntly, tired himself. “Your desire to keep everything a secret instead of telling us isn’t helping anyone. Ann is trying to give you the benefit of the doubt along with Ryuji and Yusuke—”

“I did always get along with Ann the best out of your friends,” Akechi absently pulls a stray lock behind his ear, the words coming out of his mouth almost automatic. “So I’m not surprised.”

Akira blinks, the confession unexpected, “You two… were close in past attempts?”

Akechi pauses and s crosses his legs staring at something that Akira can’t see once more. They stay in that silence for a while as if Akechi is trying to piece together all of the previous runs. Akira lets him, knowing that interrupting would get him nowhere. 

“Yes,” Akechi eventually says quietly, somberly. “I suppose you could say that, yes.” Then he shrugs and Akira pinches his brow at the action. He _hates_ it, the indifference is agonizing. “If you want my complete truth, Haru and Futaba never never stop hating me. Even in timelines where I did nothing. I guess the original action was reason enough to hate my existence. It is valid, I suppose. Perhaps that plays a role in...” He pauses, and redirects the conversation, "This log—"

"Log? Like a—"

"No, not a wooden log. _Idiot_ ," but the expression on Akechi's face is fond as he holds up the book from earlier. Akira can’t help but smile back, any expression that isn’t tired, a smirk, fake, warms Akira’s heart more than he’s ever anticipated.

Yet, the implication that he _has_ told Akira this before is there weighing heavily on his heart. He tries hard to not give way to how much it _hurts_ to know that Akechi truly is just reliving everything over and over and over again. 

"I gave you it… some time ago. I used it as a way to keep track of the different things we've done."

"What?" Akira begins removing his apron. "No, I… never looked. Don’t even recall seeing it anytime I’ve moved in here." _Yet, it remained? Untouched and without Akira even noticing it?_

Akechi nods, "No, I guess you wouldn't if you don't remember it."

“When did you get it?” Akira asks. 

Akechi shrugs, “Sojiro let me up there earlier. Told him I left something — which I did,” he holds up the book. “Figured I’d look to see.” 

Akira sighs, "I'm… I'm so sorry Akechi."

Akechi raises an eyebrow almost startled by Akira's sudden apology, "Why?"

"You've been dealing with this all alone. I'm never—”

Akechi raises his hand halting Akira, “It doesn’t matter. At this point, I’m prepared for the loop to drag me back to the beginning with no allies in sight. Don’t give yourself so much credit. I don’t lament it much anymore.”

 _But you do a little_.

“Do you think this will be the one?” Akira asks, holding Akechi's gaze enjoying the fact that he now has his complete attention. Akechi smirks a little bit, likely knowing what he's thinking before closing his eyes and looking to the side in thought.

“I wonder,” Akechi replies. “I would like it to be. I would like to move on with my life once again… or at least be allowed to rest in peace.”

“Goro… Goro don’t think like that. We’ll all get out of here.”

“Maybe.”

Akira sits beside Akechi prompting him to raise another eyebrow. Akira stares at him for a while, taking in his face and he doesn’t realize that he’s reached out and carefully placed his hand on his cheek until Akechi leans into it again. Touch starved, and Akira supposes he has a lot of making up to do after so many times of not being there when he needed him.

" _This is cumbersome," Akechi scolds. "You'll be fine on your own."_

_"This won’t end if you don’t help us,” Akira murmurs. “You know that. I know you’re tired. I’m tired. But we’re almost there.”_

_"My choices don’t matter—”_

_"They do to me,” Akira protests. “They do to me. Please. Don’t give up. Not yet._ Trust me _.”_

_"Fine, fine… that’s all I can do at this point anyway."_

“Is my face that disturbing?” Akechi mumbles with a tired smirk. 

Akira blinks, trying to piece together what he just saw. No context was given when he saw these things. What are they trying to tell him? Was that… a conversation they had in a previous attempt?

He manages a soft smile, “You’re beautiful as always, I just hate these bags under your eyes. They tell me a lot more about your exhaustion than you’d ever share with words.”

“I guess I got lazy,” Akechi confesses. “I usually take the time to cover them up so they don’t tell you what I don’t want you to know. You were… you were always much more observant than I would have liked, but definitely what I needed. Even then…”

He doesn’t elaborate on what “even then” means, but Akira places a gentle kiss on his forehead. 

Akira can’t fathom how he could manage to forget how much he loves this man. Yes, his love for him was rather inconvenient at the beginning, him being the enemy of the Phantom Thieves and all. Yet, out of all of them, he knows the most about him. Akechi would never be caught vulnerable around them — though the implication that in another time Ann was possibly privy to some of those vulnerabilities isn’t lost on him — he wonders if they would give him a chance now. Knowing that all he’s done for a long time is play a role. Resigned to the fact that the thing he hates most is his reality — the lack of control of his life. His life being limited by the choices of another. 

He wonders if, in the previous attempts, Akechi resented him more than he did when they first met. He wonders if Akechi still resents him.

“You think loudly Akira,” Akechi remarks, though his furrowed brow gives way to his concern. “What is it?”

“Do you resent me?” Akira figures there’s no point in beating around the bush.

Akechi shifts in his seat, “Why?”

“Do I have to explain why or can you just give me an answer?” Akira avoids his gaze, avoids the way Akechi seems to be trying to pick him to pieces.

“I used to,” Akechi answers honestly after a moment. “I don’t anymore. I’m too tired for that. I’m trying to move on. Resenting you has prevented that in the past.”

“Right.”

“Care to explain what prompted such?” 

Akira shrugs and stands ready to head upstairs, “Let’s look at the journal.”

Akechi takes the hint and gestures for Akira to lead the way. He does and is silently appreciative that Akechi doesn’t push him. Something Akira knows he hasn’t reciprocated much these past few days. 

And maybe that has to do with past experiences. Maybe pushing him didn’t end well in the past. 

Hopefully, the journal has answers. More than he was getting from Akechi at least.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year! I hope 2021 is good to you all!


	6. Chapter 6

_He finds himself staring. Ann told him he did this a lot when it came to Goro. Goro would be talking, talking about something he was sure was important, but he was much more focused on the light in his burgundy eyes, refreshed, lively. Focused on how he no longer talked as if he was resigned, but now truly, truly interested in being_ **_alive_ ** _. Something Akira couldn’t say about him earlier, at the end of everything, when they finally began to live their lives._

_When they broke up._

_Akira thought he would be able to get over him. They had been through so much and Goro, understandably, was trying to separate himself from all the past grief and pain he suffered. Akira wasn’t mad, he wished him the best, but… Ann knew. Hell, even_ Haru _knew how much Akira missed him and how much he had been fighting for_ **_their_ ** _happy **ending** , only for it to separate them. _

_Well, as long as Goro was happy, Akira couldn’t complain. No matter how much he got lost in his eyes. No matter how much his heart **betrayed** his mind, to stay away, to let him breathe, to live his own life. Goro always said he would come back, but that didn’t mean they would get back together and Akira had a feeling that was left unsaid for **multiple reasons**. They all needed time to repair themselves after everything that happened. Some of them experienced more tragic things than others, they all needed to fix things their own way. _

_Goro decided it would be better to leave. He spent a long time studying abroad in Europe, same with Yusuke for his art. So he knew they were closer. Being the only other person they knew, and despite the fact that Goro might have wanted to get away from everything, Yusuke was a much freer soul than any of them could be. Especially when it came to his passions._

_Akira?_

_Akira was still lost **in limbo.** Trying to repair a friendship between him and **Futaba** two years after everything that happened. He’s in college, wishing he will manage to fall in love again, but those haven’t worked out so far and he somehow ended up back above Sojiro’s cafe once again. _

_For the summer at least. At his parent’s behest because apparently they thought he was spiraling and seeing Sojiro and old friends again may do him some good._

_He wonders if one day his parents will just be honest about how much they think he’s a burden._

_“Earth to Akira,” Ann waves in his face. “Hey, you good?”_

_“Yeah,” Akira nods. “Sorry, were you talking to me?”_

_Goro cocks his head to the side, “I’m assuming you are back at Sojiro’s not because you want to, but because your parents think it’s best.”_

_“Still aiming to be a detective?” Akira manages despite how much it stings to hear it be said by someone else. Especially by Goro, who knows **the truth** behind those words. At least, the truth Akira believes. Innocent until proven guilty, and his parents haven’t confessed to Akira being a burden yet. He can’t wait until he can move **out**. _

_“Hm, I’m going to take that as a yes,” he nods. Ann frowns at Akira, worry in her brow._

_“Hey, how about we go get some food? I’ll text Ryuji to meet up with us,” Ann smiles. “How’s Yusuke doing anyway? I was expecting to be picking up both of you at the airport today.”_

_Goro shakes his head, “He’s busy. His art is taking off anyway. Got another offer earlier this week so he canceled his flight. Left me on my own. I didn’t find out he canceled until yesterday, mind you.”_

_“Classic Yusuke,” Ann laughs. “Well, I hope we get to see him before you and Akira both go back.”_

_They continue talking and Akira lets the two carry the conversation. Ann catches him up with the others. Makoto will be meeting them later at Leblanc with Haru. Futaba might join in who also has Morgana with her._

_Occasionally, he can feel Goro look at him in silent askance._

_“Out with it,” Goro corners him and it’s oddly familiar. In Leblanc, he sits there with a deep frown. His hair slightly longer, pulled back in a loose ponytail. His eyes still as intense as before bearing into Akira, insistent. “You’ve been weird around me all day. What did I do?”_

_Ann’s eyes dart between Akira and Goro. She practically glares at Goro as if scolding him for doing it here and now. Ryuji looks as if to make himself small. Something a child does when their parents are arguing._

_“Nothing,” Akira says quickly, trying to dissipate the situation. Hoping that he’ll drop it, or, if nothing else, wait until they’re alone. “You did absolutely nothing.”_

_Goro crosses his legs, “I don’t plan on being here all night. If you’re upset with me, tell me. If something is on your mind, tell me.”_

_“There’s always something on my mind,” Akira whispers._

_Goro huffs, his expression falling into thoughtfulness, “Sometimes, I sincerely wonder if we ever got out of that **loop**.” _

_Akira gasps and the talking from Haru, Makoto, Futaba and Morgana stops. Ann looks concerned._

_“I mean… what makes you say that?” Ann asks. “I mean, we’ve gotten this far—”_

_“We’re two years out—”_

_“Yeah, we’re not repeating the same shit again,” Ryuji scoffs. “We couldn’t even get past the third semester before.”_

_Goro sighs. “I only say this, because Akira… you seem just as depressed as you did before and some other things have not changed.”_

_No one needs to know who and what he’s referencing if Futaba’s huff is any indication._

_“No need to start anything,” Ann whispers harshly._

_Goro shrugs and all too familiar action, “All I’m asking is if everything is alright, Akira?”_

_What a loaded question. He’s here, isn’t he? Isn’t that enough indication that he isn’t? Living once more above Sojiro’s cafe as if he was back in high school, trying to lay low, yet still dragged into the biggest of conflicts._

_“I’m taking that as a no,” he clicks his tongue._

_“I just— listen, can we talk about this later?” Akira’s voice sounds weird to him. He’s not used to pleading with Goro anymore. They haven’t spoken nearly as much as they used to since the break up, but right now? He just needs Goro to drop it. “I’m trying to enjoy myself with you all here. I’d rather your first day here not be you trying to psychoanalyse me all the time. We’re not dating anymore, so you can stop being so overbearing about it. Though, I imagine if we were, you_ would _have waited.”_

_Goro blinks before looking away, “My apologies, then, for being concerned. Didn’t know it was illegal to do so.”_

_Ann looks between the two. The tension was unbearable. She strikes up another conversation in a desperate attempt to lighten the mood, but Akira barely participates in it. How can he when, at the end of the day, it was nearly impossible to even breathe with Goro. Goro talks with them as if the exchange with Akira never happened. Goro and all his wit and quick retorts hasn’t changed one bit, and yet, Akira feels so out of place._

_Were they out of the **loop**? _

_Or was Akira just being hopeful?_

_The weight of it hadn’t left him even though it should have by now. It hasn’t left Goro, though he imagines he had more baggage than Akira, dying as much as he did._

_“Can I talk to you now?” Goro asks softly. “Or is being alone too much?”_

_“I didn’t mean to snap at you earlier,” Akira whispers as they stare at the night sky. They’re sitting on Akira’s bed. This setup is familiar. It’s achingly intimate, how they used to do this when they were dating. Sitting on the bed and talking to each other until they fell asleep cuddled close to one another, holding one another tightly to help them get through the nightmares. All those times Akira woke up to see Goro sleeping peacefully beside him, beautiful, his features accentuated by the rising sunlight. Akira could stare at him for hours, musing about how much he loves Goro, how deeply he affected Akira._

_“I should have waited,” Goro confessed. “It’s my fault. I just didn’t think you were still keeping your feelings a secret still. Like you used to. You’re not Phantom Thieves anymore. You don’t have to bear your burdens on your own anymore. You have friends to help you through things just as much as you help them through it.”_

_“I…” Akira nods. “I know. It’s just… when you asked me… I don’t know, I just didn’t want to think about it—”_

_“I get it,” Goro placates. “I don’t want to think about my issues either.”_

_Akira places a careful hand on Goro’s, “Are things better now?”_

_Goro shrugs, “I would like to think so, but I think being in this general environment just makes me more agitated. It’s bittersweet really,” he looks around. “I have many fond memories of this place. It was peaceful, it has **you**.” He whispers the last part, as if afraid to confess that outloud. “Yet, I think about all the times we’ve argued, your friends and I, all the words exchanged here—” _

_“ **Futaba**.” _

_Goro only nods solemnly, “I never expected her to **forgive** me, neither her nor Haru. Yet, Haru is amicable to my company—” _

_“She knows how important you are to me,” Akira confesses. “She took the conversation about us dating much better than Futaba.”_

_“I can only imagine how that went with Futaba—”_

_“Is that— sorry… I didn’t mean to cut you off.”_

_“No, go ahead.”_

_Akira takes a deep breath, “I was wondering if that’s why you left. I know you’re studying abroad, but the… the reveal of it was so sudden and after that explosive argument…”_

_Goro shrugs and remains silent for a moment. Akira can see his lips purse in a thin line, the slight frown in his brow as he thinks. Considering his words carefully for Akira’s sake, but at this moment, Akira only wants the whole truth. He doesn’t want his perfected speech from back when he used to act and play at being someone he wasn’t._

_He wants his **honesty**. _

_“I think that was a part of it,” Goro begins slowly mulling over his words still. “I have long since grown tired of arguing with Futaba. While Haru doesn’t forgive me, she will not fight me at every turn. She knows that I regretted my actions, I was going through too much, all alone, blinded by my need for some sort of recognition in life and now I know how absolutely_ stupid _and utterly short sighted that was.” He scoffs and Akira knows better than to try to counter that. They’ve had that conversation many times. “I feel as if I atoned, I **changed** what I could, did what I could. If it wasn’t inevitable, then… maybe… I’m still wondering if what I did was best.” _

_“Letting Shido have his way?” Akira asks. Goro hesitates to nod._

_Akira won’t confess that he has always been wary of what truly happened. While Goro has been obstinate on the **fact** that Shido would kill **Okumura** and **Wakaba** regardless of if he did anything, he still wonders how Goro got away with not doing those things. Shido was obvious about how much he hated **loose ends** and uselessness, and at that point Goro wasn’t doing anything for him. Wasn’t cleaning up his mess, wasn’t providing an easy **cover up** for the deaths of others, wasn’t really playing at the Phantom Thieves being evil. _

_So how…?_

_“Futaba still doesn’t believe I **didn’t kill** Wakaba,” Goro says with the weariness of someone much older. “No matter how much I tell her I didn’t, she won’t believe me. I couldn’t help that Shido still had it out for her.” A sad laugh escapes his lips, “The amount of times that girl told me she wished it was—” _

_“Don’t you dare,” Akira blurts out. Goro’s eyes widen at his outburst. “Don’t… please—”_

_“I don’t intend on doing anything Akira,” Goro’s expression softens. “I’ve had enough separation from the incident. Two years hasn’t healed me completely, and while I don’t think I’ll ever truly be_ healed _, I don’t want it to weigh me down forever. I would like to move on after all.”_

_Akira stares at their hands. Goro hasn’t moved. Focusing on his hands is much easier than looking at his face, at his very kissable lips and the way he glows under the moonlight._

_“Why did we break up?” Akira’s voice is barely a whisper and he thinks it’s because he doesn’t truly want Goro to hear him._

_But he does anyway, “I wasn’t ready. All those times dating in the loop and I just… wasn’t ready. There was something to be said about how much the loop gave me something to latch onto, a routine. The moment I was out of it I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. I didn’t want to hurt you either, with anything I might have said or did. So I figured I’d come back and be better. I won’t ever be completely healed, but_ better _is something I strive for, for the both of us.” He pauses and looks at Akira, “Is that what’s been bothering you? Our relationship?”_

 _“I’m just not quite over you,” Akira says too quickly. “I was happy to_ finally _be with you, only for you to say we should break up. It was a bit—”_

_“I apologize,” Goro mutters. “My timing was… bad. But everything hit me at once, and I truly just wanted to run away.”_

_“You came back.”_

_“Something that always remained consistent even in the loops,” Goro looks at him as if he’s some curious, wondrous thing. A twinkle in his eyes, “was that you were always there. I always came back to you.”_

_“Whether you wanted to or not?”_

_“Most of the time, I wanted to.”_

_Akira smirks and leans forward, pausing just before him, their lips brushing, “May I? Just this—”_

_Goro doesn’t let him finish._

***

Akira jolts awake and looks outside. He had fallen asleep and that nap was much longer than thirty minutes like he promised himself. He rubs his eyes trying to piece together where he is. Disoriented, confused, Akechi isn’t with him. It’s evening not night. Akechi isn’t making out with him.

 _They’re not out of the loop_.

A disappointing fact, but the state of the world nonetheless. He’s tired of having those “would be” dreams.

If that’s what they are. 

They feel all too real for him. Too tangible, too intimate, too raw, for him. A strange feeling of deja vu. And frankly, a little depressing.

Akira tries to place himself in the moment. What he was supposed to do after the nap…

He looks for the journal that he and Akechi looked at earlier. Akechi said he stored it over…

 _Right_. 

He takes off his glasses, tempted to throw them to the floor — he doesn’t need them anyway, if they break, they break. Akira let Akechi take the journal back home. Not that he necessarily wanted him to. He wanted more time to digest what he read, what he saw. Some things were a little hard to comprehend, written in a way that only Akechi would understand along with unfamiliar names, and upon seeing the journal the energy he had was gone. Understandably, there was a lot of weight with that journal, especially for him. His eyes turned dull and quite frankly, Akira almost didn't want him to go home alone. 

Akechi was just constantly reminded of everything he's gained and lost over the various loops. At times Akira saw his own handwriting in it. Commenting on the mental health of his friends. Of the conversations he had with each of them. 

Commenting on his own degrading state. 

When he heard the soft apology from Akechi, Akira didn’t quite know what to do. He wondered what his past self might have said in some of his lowest moments where he confided to Akechi. Did Akechi end things then in an attempt to have Akira reset? To forget what hurt him, what made him slowly give up, did Akechi take the sacrifice for him so Akira wouldn’t have to continue to carry the heavy burden on his shoulders. The fate of his friends all set firmly on his shoulders, dragging him down, sometimes pulling him backwards until they were going in circles fighting each other on how they needed to set aside their differences if they wanted to move forward. 

So many times he saw _Futaba won’t budge_ , written in his _own_ messy scribble, to the point where he could feel his own past frustrations rolling off of him in waves. To the point where he could feel the weight of his own past mental breakdown almost pulled him back down to the darkest point in past loops. 

Perhaps, in the end, it was Akira that made Akechi take the book back, and not the weariness of reliving painful memories for Akechi.

That being said, the little time that he was allowed to look at it left Akira more confused than anything else. The numbers… didn’t line up the way he thought and Akechi left with it before he could ask questions. Thus, he was left with trying to piece things together on his own for a bit. Akira figures he can wait a bit, but tackling the next palace was drawing near and he still hadn't discerned Akechi's plans. 

It's been three days since he last saw him and it's starting to worry him because there's no reply to his text messages either. Akira wonders if _he_ forgot what he wrote. But he has to wonder how the journal stayed in his room when he definitely gave it to him in past cycles. Even before the last five that Akira remembers. Do some things _not_ change? Are there certain things not impacted by the loop? And why… if it has been so long since he was given that, were the entries up to date?

In the last loop, when they started dating _again_ , he had brought Akechi to his room, but doesn’t recall him ever touching that journal or log or whatever he wanted to call it. Doesn’t recall even seeing it.

The journal entry for loop fifteen he knew was longer than Akechi showed him. The interesting thing he garnered, from the brief time he had to look at it, was that the loop appeared to _start_ when Akira and Akechi first discussed it in the cafe, when he was made aware that Akechi knew of the loop, when he asked him why he let himself die in that boiler room for the fifth time for him, third time for the others. 

The previous loop ended when Akechi — at least he thinks it's Akechi, it wasn’t Akira’s handwriting — documented that Akira forgot him. Which makes the time of loops complicated. He doesn't seem to count the times that Akira and him weren't working together, AKA they were both mutually aware of the loop and trying to fix it together. 

Another testament to how he seems to resign himself to the fact that only Akira can change things. 

_So does that mean there have been more than fifteen?_

When Akira asked how many loops he had been through, he was counting based on every restart.

Not… not _this_. 

How long has Akechi truly been at this? If a loop pretty much lasts a year…

 _God_. 

Akira pulls out his phone and dials Akechi's number. This is the fifth attempt and he silently begs Akechi to pick up. 

"What." Comes the annoyed response. "I'm busy, not dead. If I was we would have restarted by now." 

"You lied to me," Akira begins trying to ignore the casualness that came with the mention of his deaths. He hears Akechi sigh. 

"I don't know _what_ you could possibly be referring to," Akechi replies. "But I'm not in the mood for this conversation."

"Don't hang up on me, damn it. Answer my questions," Akira grits out. " _Please_."

He hears shuffling on Akechi's end. He says some excuse to someone, maybe Sae? Before he hears the sound of his heels against the hard surface of the floor. 

Then, "You have thirty seconds." 

"Why haven't you been answering me?" 

"I wasn't in the mood," he replies simply. "I'm trying… I'm trying to not fuck things up with you. I would rather not have to talk about this loop thing every time we speak to each other."

Akira pushes forward, "I would rather not have another restart so bear with me."

"Been doing that for years."

It's an absent comment. One that probably means nothing to Akechi but the implication. The _years_ that Akechi has technically been at this…

Akira hates this. 

"Your journal—"

"Your thirty seconds are up," Akechi cuts him off, voice light with something Akira would call relieved. "I have to get back to work."

"Akechi!"

That causes him to pause, "Back to that, are we? Akechi? Tch..." There’s no anger… just disappointment? Sorrow?

Akira didn't even realize he called him "Akechi". Something he hasn't done since he got permission to call him Goro. 

"What, Akira," he says, tired, resigned. "What about the journal?"

Akira feels cold. He didn't think Akechi would give in just like that. All because he…

There's history there that he can't unpack just yet. Not like this.

"Goro, sorry," Akira mutters. "I'm sorry—"

"Ask your damn question so I can go. You said I lied so what is it this time?"

_This time?_

Akira swallows, the dread in his stomach feels like lead, almost painful. His throat taut, it's always walking a tightrope with him and Akira loathes it. 

"You said there had only been fifteen loops."

"Yes. They start blending together after a while," he says curtly. "What about it?"

"The journal says loops start when I work with you to stop them and loops end when I... forget," he stops expecting Akechi to say something but instead he remains silent. "You there?"

"What do you want me to say?" Akechi snaps. "What about it?"

"So there's been more than fifteen? There are probably lots where I remember the loop, whether I'm working with you or not. Like the last five before this one. They're not counted. So much happens in between the fifteen recorded. Why are you only counting those?"

Akechi sighs, "Why do you think? Nothing matters when you aren't aware and you aren't always forthcoming about when you are aware. Those are the only loops that count. Everything else is just going through the motions until we can try again." 

"I…"

_How many times have you died Goro? Truly? How many times have you gone on without me by your side?_

"Don't think about it too much," Akechi says dismissively. Then, in a sudden shift he wasn’t expecting, "Akira, please don't."

Why does he sound concerned?

"...Why didn't you tell me?"

"...Telling you before didn't end well. I can't do that again. I can't…" he stops, taking a deep breath. "I need to go back to work," he says swiftly. Suddenly he sounds uncertain, as if he revealed something he didn’t want to. A vulnerability he was keen to never show. "Take care—"

"Come by Leblanc after work," Akira blurts out hurriedly. "I'll have coffee and curry ready for you… you need to eat, Goro." 

There's more silence and Akira almost believes Akechi hung up on him. 

"...Thanks."

He hangs up before Akira can say any more.

For every one question answered, ten more appear.

***

“I’m sorry, for earlier,” Akira mutters. They’re in Leblanc, in his room. Somehow Akira got time alone. Morgana went with Futaba — he never really likes being around Akechi, but mainly because he knows that Akira would like to spend time alone with Akechi. He’s got Akechi in his lap, lazily running his fingers through Akechi’s hair. 

He wants them to be happy in the future, not burdened by the loops like his dreams seem to suggest. Akira supposes that’s a testament to how much he is thinking about this. It consumes every waking hour of his life and now it’s invading his dreams. 

“I’m just tired,” Akechi murmurs. “I don’t like talking about the loops as often as we do, but not talking about it won’t make things easier. Yet, discussing it puts a strain on our relationship.”

“Why don’t you just tell us everything?” Akira asks.

“Where do I even begin?” Akechi mutters. “There would be _so_ much. Too much. I have trouble parsing everything myself. Separating the times where we got through things. Figuring out if my telling you things just sets us up or not. If I tell you how it works, will the next time I die mean you’ll forget everything and I’ll have to keep playing at being the villain until you realize it?”

Akira bites his lip and takes off his glasses, setting them off to the side. 

“I still find it fascinating that you wear those.”

“People ignore me more.”

Akechi hums, “Yet somehow I’m constantly drawn to you. I wonder what it is, that makes me come back to you in every loop? Why am I so infinitely tied to your existence yet you can go the whole loop not knowing me? Hating me?”

“I never hate you,” Akira shouldn’t know this, but he does. Deep down he _knows_ that he could never hate Akechi. Why _did_ he fall in love with a murderer in the beginning? Sure, Akira got to know him, but maybe a part of him had a death wish in the first attempt. 

“Sure you don’t,” Akechi huffs and stares off to the side in thought. Yet, he sees the smallest hint of a blush. “Of course you wouldn’t. You’re too… too much for me. Everything I’ve done… I even attempted to kill you and yet—”

“That was in the past,” Akira huffs. “I know… I know if the later loops you didn’t want to. The journal said as much.”

Akechi blinks as if he forgot he showed it to Akira. He should be used to the fact that Akechi hates being vulnerable, yet sometimes it hits him when he sees how almost _ashamed_ Akechi is when he reveals even the tiniest bit about himself. He will boast his intelligence, his skills as a fighter, absorb praise, but if you know the intimate details about him, about how he truly feels, he tries to hide himself away. 

Akira speaks again, “Goro, why do you try to hide how much you hate what you’ve done?”

Akechi stares for a moment, his eyes are almost vacant. They see more than he tells, “Of course I regret it. Of course I wish I could change things, and I’m trying to. Yet, I wonder if fate doesn’t want me to change course.”

Akira looks at the clock, it’s getting late. It’ll be dark before too long and Goro will have to bike home. All he can do is sigh. He’s tired, they’re _both_ tired, and yet there’s no end in sight. 

“Wakaba Isshiki…” Akechi murmurs and Akira remains silent, it’s thoughts slamming to a halt at the sudden shift. “She… her experiments… obviously she had a palace, as you know.” Akira nods but he doesn’t think Akechi is even looking at him at this point. It’s obvious he’s trying to piece things together if his disconnected thoughts were anything to go by. "Her distortion, her obsession with her research… led her to do questionable things. Her connection with Shido… it was no surprise that she was his first target. He may not understand the Metaverse or any of her research, but she was a threat enough… And also a liability." 

"How so?"

Did he want to know? After they corrected Futaba's distortion of her mother, did he want to know what questionable things she did? What made her the liability?

"Hmm," he frowns, slightly uneasy, but Akira can tell he’s seeing _something_ . “She was doing research on cognitive psience, her dedication so much that she would risk her life for it and I guess she did in the end. How else do you study human cognition but with humans themselves...” Akira swallowed thickly. “While I never personally met any of the people that were in her _loving_ care,” he sneers with an obvious disgust, “if they were even alive at that point, I gleaned enough information from the palace itself. Exploring the distortions, the memories, the fear, grief… it was odd how much I _felt_ all those things just looking at them. I’ve had time now to investigate the research. She was plainly aware of the metaverse and palaces if nothing else...” Akechi is so _far_ away. 

“I thought she did her research at home?” Akira asks. 

He wonders what Futaba would think if she knew this. Was her knowledge of this, her belief that Akechi was slandering mother’s name a reason for her perpetual hatred?

“Maybe after Futaba. Or maybe Futaba just didn’t know,” Akechi murmurs. “Regardless, she was holding onto that research for Shido. Too many loose ends, too many people who know what he’s doing, so he sent me to get rid of her as the first target. Stealing it from Maruki and then furthered it on her own because of her obsession… she was truly just a pawn for Shido’s game. A worthy sacrifice in his eyes…”

“Mar— Who?”

“Ah,” Akechi blinks remembering himself. “You don’t know them, don’t worry about it. He was a scientist much like Wakaba herself. Did research into cognitive psience as many others are.”

Yet, his dismissive tone worries Akira because it sounds _familiar_. Mar… Mar… why can’t he finish the name? Why can’t he remember it completely? Perhaps it was someone at school? Maybe he met them in a past loop?

“You weren’t… you weren’t involved in her research, right? Like as a test subject?”

Akechi smiles fondly, “No, luckily. Almost though. It’s why it was so easy to get in and get out. It was why it was so easy to find her code words.” Then he pauses, “Or maybe I have and I just pushed it to the back of my mind. It’s easy now. With all these loops behind my back I have enough extra memories to just block anything I don’t want. Even if it’s all the same stuff again and again and again.” 

He looks out the window. Darkness has settled and it’s past the time Akechi would normally leave. He sighs and sits up slowly, the reluctance in his shoulders makes Akira wrap his arms around him in a tight hug. Akechi tenses and Akira only holds him tighter.

“You can stay for the night,” Akira murmurs into the crook of his neck. “It’s late. I have the couch.”

He expects Akechi to reject him. To complain about how the couch would break his back, or how it wasn’t worthy enough for him to sleep on it, or _something_ . He expects him to talk about how he needs to be ready for work on time, or how he doesn’t feel safe outside of his home, _anything_.

Yet, he states a simple, “I’d like that.” In the softest, most vulnerable voice he’s heard from him. 

Akira smiles, tries to hide his surprise and Akechi falls comfortably back in his lap as they talk for the rest of the night. 

There’s so much weight on his shoulders and Akira should be asking him more questions about the loop. More questions about his plans with Haru’s father and yet… there’s so much comfort in being able to talk about nothing for hours. So much comfort in knowing that they can just fall back into their usual routine easily and gaze upon each other with a love Akira knows is much deeper than Akechi has ever revealed to him. 

Or maybe it’s just his dreams talking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if I don't respond to your comments until I post another chapter. No matter how many times I tell gmail to put them in my inbox they always end up lost in other sections. I do read them all though, so thank you!


	7. Chapter 7

“We should come up with some sort of codeword,” Futaba says suddenly.

“Codeword?” Ann asks before glancing around the table to see the same confusion. Akira eyes Futaba waiting for her to continue, but he thinks he knows where she’s going with this.

Futaba nods and pulls out her phone, “In case we restart. That way, we can keep track of who remembers the loop and who doesn’t. Every time we restart, the first thing we do is text in the group chat.”

“If the group chat still exists when we restart,” Makoto murmurs.

“It has in the past,” Akira nods. “It was already created before you all started remembering. It was there before even I remembered again. It’s always there.” 

Morgana cocks his head to the side, “Really? You never told us that.”

Akira shrugs, “I didn’t think it was important at the time and I kind of forgot after a while.”

But it further confirms that some things carry over into the next attempt. The journal and all its self-writing capability and apparently, even though their messages are reset to nothing, the group chat exists. 

“I just assumed you always created it since you were the first to text all the time,” Ann gasps. “It never appeared for me until you texted in it. At least I think...” 

“If I may,” Yusuke focuses solely on Akira. “Akira, something you said earlier struck me. You said, 'It was already created before you all started remembering'. Are you suggesting you became cognizant of the loop before us? You remember more loops than us?”

For a moment there is silence. Akira blinks, the words had slipped innocently past his lips and it _never_ occurred to him to discuss that _he_ remembered more than three loops. It seemed only important to focus on the loops that they were all working together.

...Similar to Akechi. 

_Gods,_ he is starting to see where he’s coming from about his silence. 

“Wait, Akira, you do?!” Ryuji and Futaba both exclaim. 

Haru looks at him in concern, “Akira, how many do you remember? So it wasn’t just Akechi wandering around remembering things alone?”

“It’s not that bad,” Akira shrugs nonchalantly trying to placate the situation. “I only remember five, so it’s not that big of a difference. And I said this… at the cafe, when we first met Akechi at the start of this run.” _Run_. Like it’s a game. 

“I mean… we thought that… we kind of just thought you had deduced something from Akechi…” they sound _so_ defeated.

Then again, he understands their confusion, their inability to remember that. There is a lot happening and Akechi had revealed then that he died _only_ seven times. Turns out it’s been way more than that. So much more. Why did he lie about that? Probably the same reasons Akira didn’t bother bringing up the five again. 

Really, what’s the point? They truly do just start blending together.

“Well, still…” Futaba huffs. “That’s kind of a big deal, you know? You were dealing with that all alone…” If only she shared that sentiment with Akechi, Akira thought wryly. “And like, that obviously means that we all remember at different points.”

“And also suggests that we will all progressively forget as Akechi briefly mentioned. It’s gradual, one by one we each forget until no one remembers but Akechi,” Yusuke shakes his head.

“That’s really scary actually,” Ann shivers, her eyes downcast. Akira takes a deep breath. He hadn’t meant to strike this uncertainty, especially not right before they finished Okumura’s palace. They need to be focused on the task at hand. 

Having a codeword would be a good idea. They can keep track of each other. But, what would they do when one of them doesn't respond? When one of them asks who they are? How did they get their number?

A chill goes down his spine.

“We shouldn’t dwell on it, but…” Makoto shutters. “When you think about it, Akira, you are probably the last one to forget. Seeing as you’re the first to remember, anyway.”

 _Maybe_. But he tries not to dwell on that fact and how that might have affected him in another time.

“We need a codeword,” he says softly trying to redirect the conversation. “That’s more important right now.” 

He can tell they were all questioning the validity of that statement, but they begin pondering codewords amongst each other. A part of him wonders if this is even the first time they had done this or the hundredth time. How many more times will they do this until they just don’t anymore? Until they get stuck in a loop never remembering that they’ve redone it, over and over and over again? 

At that point, he surmises, it won’t matter. Nothing would — at least not to them.

But _Akechi_ …

One of the main things keeping Akira going at this point is doing it for his friends and not himself. He thought he might have given up at this point if it was just him. 

_“You sound like you’re giving up and we’ve only just started. I don’t like this side of you. Where’s the Akira I fell in love with?”_

_“You lost him at the third loop,” there is a bite to his tone, one that makes Goro flinch away, struck by his words as if they physically hurt him. “What’s the point? I’ll forget eventually, over and over and over again until I won’t remember ever again. Likely. So, yeah what’s the point of fighting something I eventually won’t even realize?”_

_“Maybe you won’t,” he says bitterly. “But I always will. I always have. You may get the freedom to forget. I don’t have such a luxury. The utter…” The door slams as he continues grumbling and Akira doesn’t run after him. He should’ve. He should—_

“Pancakes!” Futaba shouts and cackled evilly, causing Akira to jolt from… _whatever_ that was. Sounded like an earlier time. An earlier loop. Had he really given up so easily early on? “It’ll drive Akechi insane.”

“Seriously? I find it funny that you think using ‘pancakes’ as the codeword will make him go more insane than the loops. And I'm sure he's used to us making fun him for that if we've been at this for this long,” Ryuji rolls his eyes. Futaba sticks her tongue out at him.

“And as much as we may not like him,” Makoto begins, “we are _trying_ to work with him. Pissing him off won’t get us anywhere so let’s try not to purposefully get under his skin.”

He wasn’t going to acknowledge that Futaba could hardly be considered “working with him”. She was most definitely trying to get under his skin. To find those little cracks. To find a way to make them all hate him all over again. 

Akechi might snap, but he has the exhaustion of an old man now. At this point, Akira thinks he may actually be well into his thirties with all the loops he’s been through. They all would be. But their minds are still fresh, untainted by the many loops they experienced. 

What caused them to forget? Taking too long? Or does something trigger it?

Akira wants to _scream_ . There are way too many questions and those questions Akira _knows_ Akechi doesn’t hold the answer to. After all, if he did, wouldn’t he just prevent them from doing it? Speed them along? Keep them away from the trigger?

"I don't think he'll care either way," Akira nods in agreement at Ryuji. "I'm sure it means nothing to him now. Let's just go with it." They all nod rather solemnly. "What's wrong?"

“You’d tell us if something was wrong, right Akira?” Haru asks. “You always check on us and we appreciate that, really. But you can rely on us too, you know that right?”

“Yeah, man,” Ryuji crosses his arms. “You’ve been _way_ more distant than usual. And we already can’t really tell what’s on your mind—” 

He yelps and glared at Makoto who gave him a sharp look before softening to look at Akira, “What we mean to say is, you’re more guarded than usual. We know that this is hard,” Makoto released a heavy sigh, “But you’re not alone. You can lean on us.”

But he is alone the moment they forget. Just like Akechi.

Akira hates this. What is happening? Why are they doing this _now_? Does he look that messed up? 

“If this is because of the loop thing you just found out about,” Akira begins slowly gauging their reactions. They look between each other a little nervously and he confirms his suspicions. He really should have watched his words more carefully if they had forgotten that. “It’s fine. We don’t have control over that. What we do have control over is what is happening right now. So let’s just focus on that.” 

And perhaps dismissing their concerns like this is the wrong thing to do, but he truly didn’t want to confront this right now. Yet, this unresolved emotional turmoil leaves rocks in his stomach every time he even considers confronting it was so painfully reminiscent of that dream he had. 

_Akechi confronting him._

_Akira not wanting to deal with it._

_Ann trying to redirect._

_The tension still there even after the loop._

_Probably a sign that he should deal with it_. 

“Akira…” Morgana mutters. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yes,” Akira replies dully. Tired. ‘Yes, please don’t ask me again.”

Morgana hums in discontent obviously not buying it. Given this is at least the fifth time he’s asked it in the span of thirty minutes, Akira shouldn’t be surprised. 

“Maybe you should call Akechi,” Akira doesn’t miss the hint of annoyance as Morgana makes the suggestion. “If you don’t think we’ll understand, maybe he will and can help you.” 

“I’m _fine_ ,” Akira insists. However, calling Akechi is tempting if only because he misses him. 

Morgana leaps off the bed, “If you call him, tell him about the codeword thing too. We have the group chat with him in it, it’ll be important for him to know.”

 _Right_. 

He forgot about that. 

He stares at his contact for a while, his thumb hovers over the call button. Akechi may be asleep at this point or trying to go to sleep.

Then again, Akechi has been upfront about the fact that he can no longer sleep. Not as well as he used to. 

Akira holds the phone to his ear as it rings. He waits patiently for him to decline his call. If he doesn’t answer, then Akira will be able to get out of this constant nagging by Morgana. He won’t have to—

“I was informed you were having a rough day,” Akechi begins carefully. “What’s wrong?”

“Well, hello to you too?” Akira raises an eyebrow. “Who told you that?”

“Ann,” Akechi says easily. “Asked me if I knew what was going on with you. I was half expecting you to call me when I was asleep.” He pauses and clears his throat before adding a soft, “And yes, hello.” 

Akira holds his breath trying to figure out why Ann was _already_ contacting Akechi about him. Yes, he said she did that a bit in the previous loops, but things were so tense around everyone now he didn’t think…

Maybe he just genuinely doesn’t know what any of them think about Akechi or they were so desperate to figure him out that they—

“What’s wrong?” Akechi repeats interrupting his thoughts. 

“Nothing is wrong,” Akira repeats what he’s said in his head so many times he thinks that one day he might just believe it. “They just found out that I had remembered more loops than them… before they started becoming aware of it at least and it bothered them.” He tries to ignore Morgana’s piercing gaze.

There’s a long pause before Akechi answers, “I thought they already knew? ...Perhaps your friends are less aware than I thought…”

“Goro— ”

“Sorry,” but he doesn’t sound sorry. “Just thought they’d… tch, nevermind.”

“They decided coming up with a codeword will help figure out if we all remember or not,” Akira changes the subject. “If we restart,” he tries to ignore the soft _when_ from Akechi’s side, “the first thing we’ll do is text the codeword in the chat. Everyone has to do it. If they don’t or are confused—”

“Right,” Akechi cuts him off. “A sign they don’t remember.”

Akira licks his lips but his tongue is just as dry, “Have we done this before?”

“Does it matter?” he can see Akechi shrugging. “What’s the codeword?”

“Pancakes—”

“Futaba came up with that, didn’t she? Why am I not surprised…”

And the only answer Akira can provide is that they’ve likely done this before. Exact same codeword, exact same motive for why that codeword, exact same person. They’re just going in circles. Repeating themselves because that’s all they’re good for. 

“Akira,” the tenderness in Akechi’s voice catches him off guard and he only hums in response. “Remember to breathe. I know it feels like you’re alone, but remember, I’m here every step of the way. Even if I don’t want to be,” and it could have been romantic if he didn’t have to add that last bit. “You’re at your best when you remember that. You’re at your best when you aren’t dwelling on the negatives. I _know_ you Akira, maybe better than you know yourself at this time. I remember when it used to be the opposite…” he sighs lamenting a time that Akira can’t remember no matter how desperately he wishes he could. “I may be a wall at this point, but walls can’t respond to you if shout at them, rant at them, punch them. If you need to vent, you can.”

“I would never punch you,” Akira scoffs.

Akechi laughs, a beautiful, tired sound, “You have before, so that’s a lie.” Akira doesn’t want to know why he might have done that, but he smiles to himself upon hearing his laugh.

“I wish you did that more,” he murmurs. 

Akechi snorts, “Do what? Call you out on your BS? I try as much as I can considering you do the same to me.”

“No,” Akira chuckles. “Laugh. I wish you would laugh more. Smile more.”

“Oh,” he says breathlessly. “That’s what you meant.” 

Akira swallows thickly, “Yeah. I miss that.”

Akechi doesn’t speak for a while. He can hear shuffling of papers and Akira realizes that even after all this time, he doesn’t stop working, keeps up with a schedule of staying up too late doing work that he doesn’t and shouldn’t be losing sleep over. Trying to strike that balance between interviews, work and school.

“Maybe when we get out of this for real,” he murmurs after a moment. “You’ll hear it more.”

“Will you stay?” Akira asks.

“What do you mean?”

And all Akira can think about is that _dream_ . Of him miserable, Akechi returning after two years of… _studying abroad_ and recovering from these loops. Separating himself from the incident _?_ And him quite frankly still pining over a man that… He stops himself. It was a _dream_. One that is a little fuzzy now, despite how much it affected him. But to say he is paranoid is an understatement.

“Will you stay here? Or will you go somewhere else?” Akira repeats realizing that maybe saying that he had a dream about—

“What makes you ask that?”

And Akechi won’t let him go without explaining himself.

“Nothing, I’m just curious,” he says, beginning to make up a lie. “I… If…” he shakes his head and takes off his glasses. “After all this? I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to get away from the site of the incident.”

Akechi’s response sounds almost disappointed, “Right.” After a pause, an obvious moment of deliberation, he continues, “I can tell you’re not being completely honest with me, but, to answer your question, I haven’t thought that far ahead yet. I just need to make absolutely sure we’re out of the loop. Forever.”

Yes, Akira would like that very much too. 

“Are you?”

He thinks about how in his dream he tried to leave, went back to his hometown and still ended up above Sojiro’s cafe two years later. 

“I don’t know either.” 

Akechi clicks his tongue, “You’re thinking too much about that. I know it’s pleasant… or not, to think about the future. Focus on the now. Because that’s all you can change, yes?”

“You’re right.

“I know.”

“You’re an ass.”

“I know.” 

“I love you,” Akira murmurs hopeful that he’ll say it back.

“I know,” he repeats, though it cuts off a little at the end as if he just registered what Akira was saying. He fumbles, and continues, “I— Yes, I do know that.”

Akira kills it there, knowing Akechi won’t say it back, “Alright, I can see you’re busy. I’ll let you go.”

“You can’t see anything, but, yes,” Akechi responds.

“Will you stop by tomorrow?”

“If you want me to.”

Akira wrinkled his nose at that response, “Do _you_ want to? To see me?”

“I would like to, yes. Not necessarily your friends though.” 

_Ah_. That’s why he responded the way he did. 

“I’ll let you know what we end up doing,” Akira says glancing at where Morgana was, who has curiously vanished. “Bye, Goro.”

“Bye Akira,” a pause, “and I love you too.”

Akira smiles as Akechi hangs up, staring at the phone for a moment. He shuts his eyes. 

_And_ **_he_ ** _opens his eyes and looks around him, taking a deep breath, trying to convince himself that this_ **_will_ ** _actually be a good idea. Goro stares at him curiously, waiting for him to speak, to say whatever the hell has him locked up._

 _But the words don’t come out and he simply ends up talking about something that really means nothing to either of them. If Goro is disappointed, he doesn’t let it show. He_ **_never_ ** _does, but Akira would be lying if he didn’t wish that Goro was more upfront about his feelings._

_“I thought you were going to—”_

_“I chickened out, Ann,” Akira laments. “At this point, I might as well never do it.”_

_Ann clicks her tongue, “He would_ **_be happy_ ** _if you did.”_

_“Then why doesn’t he ask me?”_

_“I’m pretty sure he thinks you still hate him because he left so suddenly. And_ **_they_ ** _aren’t doing anything to convince him to stay.”_

_Oh._

_Who “they” were is pretty obvious. Though, really it’s one person at this point._

_He hears Ann continue to lecture him about his hesitancy. Their mutual stupidity, but he’s only half listening. He didn’t realize that he hadn’t cleared that up yet. He didn’t realize that he hadn’t told Goro that he didn’t_ **_hate_ ** _him. That in fact, he still loves_ **_him_ ** _, but a part of him kind of hates that he’s so smitten with someone that could so easily move onto a life without him._

 _Maybe he was a little bitter, but that didn’t_ **_stop_ ** _his heart from wanting._

 _“You know how Akechi talked about_ **_the_ ** _loop?” Ann says suddenly. Akira hums in agreement. “I asked him about it. It was so sudden you know? Like we’re two years out, but one of the first things he says when we reunite is about the_ **_loop_ ** _? I think he’s actually just genuinely worried about you Akira. All the talk about_ **_you_ ** _being the most important to stopping the loop?”_

_“What, does he think I’m holding us back?” Akira asks unnecessarily aggressively._

_“I think he’s afraid you’re still stuck in it. That you’re still stuck in it mentally. He thinks you_ **_need_ ** _to get away from here—”_

 _“I tried!” Akira exclaims. “I tried to_ _start my life back home and look at where I’m at Ann! I’m back above Sojiro’s cafe just as depressed as I was before I left.”_

 _Ann’s voice is soft, “I know. I told him that. He was talking about separating yourself from_ **_us_ ** _. You kept constant contact with us. Akechi barely even spoke to you when he left and Yusuke was busy enough with art, that they hardly spoke anyway.”_

_“Oh,” Akira can’t breathe._

_“We’re_ **_your friends_ ** _, yes. But we may also be the very thing holding you back,” he doesn’t miss how solemn she sounds as she says it. “Maybe—”_

_“I just got here,” Akira whispers._

_“I know.”_

_“Are you sure he doesn’t just want nothing to do with me?”_

_“He doesn’t really want anything to do with any of us,” Ann confesses. “If it was up to him, he would have just left. He came because of you, Akira. I think the last thing he wants is to not see you again.” She pauses and Akira doesn’t have the words to respond. “He did always say that one of the constants in all those loops was that he was always drawn back to you. You’re_ **_the key_ ** _or some cryptic thing. It was always so frustrating with how he always hid his true meanings behind complicated sentences. He was pretty upfront about this though.” Akira still feels like he’s going insane. They can’t still be doing this. Not after all this time, they can’t still be doing this. He doesn’t want to do this._

_He needs to get out._

_He needs to run._

_Where?_


	8. Chapter 8

Akira is dreading it. Akechi hadn't given them anything and Akira, when he had so many chances, never asked. He didn’t want to, he just wanted to relish in his time with him. He was also nowhere to be seen. Akira hasn't really seen him much since finding out about the truth of the loops. Or… at least that there have indeed been more loops than fifteen. Beyond the occasional coffee and curry spots, Akechi has made no attempt to let Akira in. 

And today is the day they will be facing Haru's father. 

So he is just going to have to do what he can. He'll stay behind and make sure Akechi doesn't pull any fast ones. 

He can see how worried Haru is. Can see how nervous the rest of the group is. This is the moment of truth. 

"Let's go," Akira says. 

"If he pulls any fast ones, I'm going—"

"Oracle," Haru murmurs, halting whatever Futaba might have considered saying. "Let's do what we've come to do." 

_ She'll make the decision of what to do with Akechi, but he doesn't like that. He hates the fact that he knows Akechi wouldn't resist. He would let them kill him if they wanted. No questions asked.  _

_ He hates that he knows this deep in his bones. That Akechi has no regard for his life anymore, he’ll come back. _

_ “ _ **_It’s time to reset.”_ **

_ Whether Akira remembers him or not. _

He swallows and prepares for the battle that he knows the ending to. Their experience makes it almost too easy. Akira almost feels bad and wonders if maybe they've beat him faster than Akechi could get there. 

He goes through the motions, having the same conversation with Okumura that they had before. 

_ Black mask _ . 

He turns around.

At the very back of the room, as it trembles with the weight of the collapsing palace. He didn't even wait for them to leave. Akechi stands there, clad in his dark attire.  _ Black Mask _ . 

Okumura is stuttering about it behind him, but Akira can only focus on the fact that Akechi came. Akechi still came despite everything. Akira draws out his dagger. 

“You guys go,” Akira says quickly. “Before the palace collapses on all of us.”

Haru shakes her head, “I’m not letting him near.”

“Haru—”

“I’m not going to touch him,” Akechi huffs, impatient, annoyed.

“Why should I believe you?” Haru asks her axe at the ready. 

_ They don’t have time for this.  _

“Oracle!”

“This palace is collapsing fast, guys. We gotta go!” Oracle says trying hard to contain her panic. 

Akira grits his teeth, “If you’re not going to touch him, why did you come here?”

“To see if you did anything different,” he answers simply. “You didn’t.” 

He’s gone before Akira can question him more. He doesn’t miss the hint of disappointment in his voice. What could they possibly have done differently? What was he expecting them to do? Or was he simply wondering if they were just going to repeat everything the same way they did before to no avail? 

Too many questions, not enough time. He rushes the Phantom Thieves out. Haru says goodbye to her father and he can see it in her eyes that she’s bracing herself for the worst.

He wouldn’t do that. 

He wouldn’t.

He  _ can’t _ . 

“That was too close guys,” Morgana groans. “Way too close.”

“He was there,” Haru says. “He was there, what…”

“We have to find him,” Futaba suddenly says. Akira’s eyes drift to her hands, balled up in a tight fist. He’s not sure he wants Futaba to be there when they run into him. And yet, he can’t blame her. None of them can. 

But something is  _ so _ off about Futaba. She wasn’t always this angry. Something… 

_ “Something isn’t right.” _

_ “ _ **_It’s time to reset.”_ **

Those voices… They’re familiar and yet distorted, fuzzy.  _ Who?  _

He shakes his head trying to clear it and refocus. Tomorrow will be the moment of truth. If he dies again during that press conference, there’s no way he can defend him. The only excuse he has is that it wouldn’t change anything. What horrifies Akira more than the idea of Akechi killing Okumura, is the possibility that his death is predestined anyway. Even if Akechi doesn’t kill him, will Shido still take him out later? Will he be at risk of dying anyway? They do need to talk to him. 

They  _ need _ answers.

“Call him Akira,” Morgana says. “Tell him to meet us at Leblanc.”

Akira only nods, as he waits for Akechi to answer. They slowly make their trek back as the phone continues to dial. 

Voicemail. 

_ Akechi, don’t you dare… _

Akira quickly calls again. 

It rings and rings. 

No answer. 

“You don’t think he’s…” Makoto starts nervously.

“He wouldn’t really do it, would he?” Yusuke asks. “What could he possibly gain from it? If everything we’ve done up until now hasn’t worked, why would he do it again?”

“Hey guys, let’s not speculate—”

Futaba cuts Ann off, “Speculation is all we got if he won’t tell us anything. And I’m going to assume the worst of him until he proves to me why I shouldn’t.” 

He tries again, and this time he answers. 

“What could possibly be so urgent?” his annoyance permeates through the phone. Akira can practically see him glaring at him. 

“We need to talk now. All of us. We’ll be at Leblanc soon.”

“I’m waiting on  _ you _ .”

Then, he hung up. 

“What did he say?” Ann asked when all Akira does is stare at his phone.

“He’s waiting on us,” Akira murmurs. He feels cold suddenly. They’re repeating things. He already knew he was going to call. Already knew Akira was on his way. Already knew they all wanted to talk. 

_ Are they still going down the wrong path? _

**_“Reset.”_ **

Morgana hums, “There’s no use dwelling on it. We need to speak to him.”

_ Will he already know their questions? Will he answer all of them the moment they walk through the door? _

**_“Reset, Akira.”_ **

_ No _ , Akechi wants to see what he will do. He’ll humor him even if he knows what they will ask him in the end. He wants to see if anything changes.

That’s all he’s ever looked for the moment they came to this mutual agreement. 

What will  _ he  _ do differently? He's apparently the key to all of this.

_ “ _ **_It’s too late. Reset.”_ **

God, he hates this. This pressure. These muffled  _ voices _ . Everyone, whether they realize it or not, is relying on him to get them out of the loop. He knew what he was getting into with the Phantom Thieves. 

He doesn't know what he's doing with the loops though. 

The group is silent as they make their way back. All occupied with their own thoughts, dreading the incoming conversation. 

What should he do?

**“** **_Reset…_ ** **”**

He wants to trust him so badly. Wants to believe him with what he says and does, but…

It puts him in such an uncomfortable position with his friends, specifically Futaba and Haru.

Morgana whispers, "I don't know what you're thinking, but take it easy. Whatever happens, we did what we could with the information we had." He paused, "You've been… you've been really out of it since we learned about the loop. Stressed and all. You're starting to worry me Akira."

"I… thanks for the concern Morgana. Sorry for worrying you," Akira mumbles. "If we can figure things out, I'll be a lot better."

**“...** **_Reset…_ ** **”**

He thinks back to what Akechi said. How he kept quiet about how the loops were counted because of what happened before. Akira didn't ask him what happened, but he can fill in the blanks that it ended poorly for him.

A part of him wonders if he made himself forget… thus ending the loop until he remembered again.

Dread weighs down his body as he walks into Leblanc. True to his word, Akechi is sitting in his usual spot. He’s drinking a cup of coffee, unbothered. He doesn’t even look when they enter. Doesn’t look when Sojiro greets them. By his side, Haru tenses, but he can tell they’re waiting on him to make the first move. 

“How’d you manage to get here before us?” Akira starts casually and Akechi looks up finally. A little hint of surprise in his face.

“I have my ways,” he says simply. “Glad to see you weren’t crushed in the palace. Would have been devastating.”

“Would we have restarted?” Akira asks.

**“...** **_Reset…”_ **

**_“You’ll be trapped…”_ **

Sojiro is right there, looking confused. Rightfully so, but it confirms that Sojiro isn’t aware of anything. Meaning come Sae’s palace, he’ll have to explain everything again. Or should he do it sooner? Will that make things easier? 

Akechi hums, “Funnily enough, I don’t know. I usually don’t let it reach that point.”

**_“Resetting is easy…”_ **

So all restarts have been caused by his death. If one of them died, would the loop break? 

**_“Reset before that…”_ **

A chill goes down Akira’s spine at that thought. That the loop would take any sacrifice other than Akechi’s and those that have always died to move forward. 

So then what happened when Akira, in a previous attempt, was made aware of the loop? If not his death, then…?

He shakes his head, “Good to know.” 

Sojiro raises an eyebrow, mumbling something under his breath about “kids these days” before walking out. It’s late enough that no one else is there. 

“So? What are your plans now?" Akira asks. 

Akechi hums, "You'll just have to find out, won't you?"

"This isn't a game Akechi!" Haru shouts, shocking all of them. "You don't just get to play with people's lives like this."

_ This is all wrong. _

"And yet fate continues to toy with mine…" he mumbles, finishing his drink. “As if I ever had a say.” Akira is freezing now, a cold so deep he feels like his organs may freeze. He's already forgotten how to breathe. That resignation is enough to cut through whatever anger he may feel towards him. Did anyone else hear it? Was that reserved for his ears only? Or was that his imagination? The way Morgana hisses quietly makes him think that it was very real, "You think I'm playing with them? Please, I have no interest in that."

"Then, why are you just doing the same thing as before?" Ryuji exclaims.

Akechi shrugs, "Who says I am?"

“You’re not giving us any reason to believe you’re up to any good,” Futaba grits out. Akechi just shrugs again. 

Makoto speaks firmly, taking a step forward, “Akechi, do you want us to stop the loop or not?”

“I do.”

There’s a weight to those words that Akira can feel deep in his soul.  _ Hang in there Akechi. Please _ . 

**_“Reset!”_ **

_ God _ , his head hurts so bad. He rubs his forehead and he sees Akechi do the same thing. Whether because of the usual headaches or because they’re here yelling at him, he doesn’t know. 

But his head is throbbing and he thinks he may pass out if he hears the word “reset” shouted in his head again. Everything is twisting, distorting, blurring. He blinks hard trying to clear things. 

It does temporarily. He won’t have much time before he needs to  _ sleep _ . 

“Then, you need to cooperate,” Makoto finishes. “We’re not getting anywhere if you don’t.”

Akira watches as several expressions cross Akechi’s expression all at once. A combination of anger, irritation, and sheer disbelief. 

"Unbelievable," he sneers. "Absolutely unbelievable." 

"Are you still planning on killing my father?" Haru asks softly. "Answer truthfully."

"No, I wouldn't be here if I was," he grits out, glaring at them. "But maybe I should've. Show you what _ uncooperative _ looks like."

_ This is all wrong. _

**_“Reset… reset… reset…”_ **

Akira shakes his head, but they all take that as a response to Akechi, not him trying hard not to pass out. Haru freezes beside him at the outburst.

"Akechi, don't be like that," Makoto says. 

Morgana speaks up, "Don't be petty. Lives are at stake here."

"Why don't you tell that to your friend? Ms.  _ I Refuse to Work With Him _ ," he says pointedly looking at Futaba before beginning to massage his forehead. 

_ This isn’t right.  _

Futaba cackles, mad, furious,  _ wholly unlike her _ , "You killed my mother.  _ Multiple times _ if your inability to answer our question regarding that was any clue. Why the hell would I cooperate with you? You obviously don’t regret anything."

"Keep it up and more than just your mother is going to be dead and it's not because I did anything. But because  _ you  _ refuse to change." 

_ Change _ . 

**_“Reset.”_ **

Gods, were they still doing the same thing? Were they still falling into the same trap even though Akira stayed back to see Akechi? Had he done that before in the past? 

"How can you ask for forgiveness—"

"When did I ask for that? When did I  _ ever _ ask for that?" Akechi spits out. Silencing them. "I don't want nor  _ need _ your forgiveness. I don't even need you to fucking  _ like  _ me. But for the love of god if you want anything to change, then  _ you _ have to fucking change. Or you'll never get out of this damn loop because you all are utterly hopeless, and, yes, it'll eventually stop when we're likely all dead because whatever is fucking causing this loop will realize there's no goddamn point in trying."

He takes a deep breath, pinching the bridge of his nose before pushing past them. Briefly his eyes lock with Akira and he doesn't miss the hint of hurt in his expression. Questions swirl in those red eyes. 

"Figure it out yourselves then." 

And he's gone. 

"That… could have gone better," Ann mutters. 

"No," Akira says under his breath, suddenly more tired than he was before. "I think that was the best it was going to go… given everything.”

With Futaba, with Haru, yes, this is probably the best it will ever be if nothing changes.

**_“RESET.”_ **

Akira intakes a sharp breath feeling like he was punched in the gut. The voice is so  _ loud _ . It feels like a physical force is pressing on him, crushing him. When he looks up wearily, regaining his breath, he sees them all staring at him in concern.

“I need to rest,” he mumbles. “We all do. We’re all tired, let’s break. Meet up again tomorrow.”

They nod, all wishing Akira a good night and to take care of himself. To  _ talk _ to them if they need to. 

The voice has turned into a quiet chanting in the back of his head. Insistent. Persistent. 

Commanding. 

**_“Reset… reset… reset…”_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uploads might be a little slower because classes are starting up, but thank you to everyone who has been reading this! I appreciate it and thank you for the comments!
> 
> Hope you all are doing well!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to remind y'all to keep in mind the tags. IIt's a bit of a heavy chapter so I just wanted to give you a heads up.

“You lied to me,” Akira says bluntly. Akechi looks up, weary but expecting. 

The voice telling him “reset” is horrendously loud today. He can barely hear himself think. He hates this. How does he even reset? Does it mean the loop? Is it him telling himself this? Or someone else? 

He blinks again and refocuses on Akechi in front of him, he thinks that there should be anger returning the longer he stares, but instead, he can’t help but just feel _sorry_ . _Sad_ . Another part of him thinks he’s on his way to feeling betrayal, but instead… Well, why does he just feel so empty about this whole thing? The negative emotions try to weigh him down, but in all honesty he’s just barely _existing_. Stuck in this limbo of trying to accept what Akechi did and also coming to terms with the fact that no matter what they do, is this inevitable? He hates that their conversations have come down to this. 

He _misses_ Akechi, yet the man is right in front of him with resignation. 

The absolute horror on Haru’s face when her father keeled over once more, coughing, sputtering, _dying_ replays in his mind. He should’ve had some sort of reaction, but instead he just found himself staring. It was expected and a part of him realized that no matter how much he was trying to believe Akechi, it was something he was subconsciously not allowing himself to do. A voice had told him that it was a foolish thing to do. A voice was telling him to reset. As if it was trying to do all the things to make him angry so he would go through with it. Where was his anger? 

The way Futaba shouted “ _I knew it!”_ And that’s when Haru broke down. Getting her hopes up that maybe _this time_ it would be different. 

Hoping that maybe this time she could actually be with her father.

He should be angry. Frustrated. He tries to build up that frustration, but the way Akechi quirks a tired smirk, he realizes that he is failing miserably.

**_“Reset…”_ **

If only that voice would just _stop_. Maybe he could start retaining some of his sanity. 

“You lied to me,” Akira repeats firmly, trying to be angry at _something_ , at himself, at Akechi, and at the damned voice that won’t leave him alone. He rushed here before the others. Thinking about how he was played for the fool he is. Yet...

_This is wrong._

“I didn’t lie to you Akira,” Akechi runs his hand over his face, the almost-smile gone. “I didn’t.”

“Then why is he still dead?” Akira asks, but he doesn’t even recognize his own voice anymore. This just sounds familiar, repetitive. “Why, after everything you said yesterday, should I believe you when you said you didn’t?” 

Akechi sits back in his seat, “I already told you. What I say I will do for Shido and what I actually do are at odds with each other. Why are you yelling?”

Akira doesn’t even realize it, not when he can barely hear himself over the voice in his head. Nor does he care enough to change. He’ll scream himself hoarse if it means getting Akechi to actually fucking care for a change. To actually listen. 

_This isn’t right. What are you doing?_

He’s going _insane_. At this point, he’s truly just frustrated at the voices in his head. At the contradictions. At the resets. Gritting his teeth, Akira continues trying to maintain his ground, “I want to believe you, but you stomp on my trust as if it means nothing you—”

“And how in the world do you think that makes me feel?! You aren’t believing me when I say I didn’t kill him! Who is stomping on who’s trust?!” Akechi fights back and he grabs Akira by the collar jerking him forward. If Akira wasn’t furious with everything, he would have kissed him. “I’ve been at this for longer than you can fathom Akira, what can I possibly gain from lying to you at this point?”

Akira grips his wrists tightly knowing that he’s digging his nails into them, leaving marks, possibly enough for them to bleed. Why doesn’t he care though? Why doesn’t he care that he’s hurting him right now?

 _This is wrong. All wrong. Listen._ **_Listen_ ** _._

**_“RESET…”_ **

“You lied to us about knowing about the loops previously!”

“How the hell was I supposed to explain it to you without you thinking I’m crazy? You think I haven’t before?”

“Then what the hell happened to Okumura?!”

“Why don’t you realize that the person who wanted him dead was Shido?! If I don’t do it, you think he won’t hire someone else? He was about to reveal secrets that Shido doesn’t want out there, you think he was going to stay alive?”

Akira swallows, releasing his grip, “You told Shido you weren’t going to do it?”

“I’ve been playing at being sick for a while now,” Akechi huffs, releasing Akira and pushing him away. “I told him I couldn’t do it. I was expecting you all to do _something_ , literally _anything_ to stop him from saying that shit. He knew Shido was after him. That’s what you get for affiliating with him.” Akechi grits his teeth, “If you think I have any desire to fulfill Shido’s plans, you’d be wrong. I thought _you_ all people would know that.”

“What does that mean for you—”

“Akechi!” Morgana hisses behind Akira. And _oh_ , the others are here now. He stands in stunned silence. Why didn’t he tell them that? Why didn’t he tell them what he was expecting? That could have made things so much easier if he just… _talked_.

Then again… he wasn’t much better.

“You… how could you?!” Haru screams. 

“Oh god,” Akechi pinches the bridge of his nose again. “Can it, I didn’t kill your dad. I’m not in the mood for this—”

“No, you don’t get to dismiss us!” Ryuji argues. “Fucking face what you did. You lied to us.”

“All these accusations, not a single bit of proof.”

“All the proof is in the fact that you’ve killed him every other time!”

“And how do you know that?” Akechi scoffs. “How do you know _anything_ ?” He shakes his head and crosses his arms but Akira can see the pain in his eyes. “Next time, _if_ there is a next time, maybe do something about his loud mouth. He set himself up for death trying to cross Shido like a fucking idiot.” Haru gasps. “What the fuck did you expect? He tried to cross _Shido_. Me not doing it doesn’t mean he’s not going to hire someone else to do it. Get that through your thick skulls. I accelerate his plans, but I’m not the only one. You all are pathetic.” He clenches his eyes tightly again. 

_How bad are those headaches getting Akechi? Why haven’t you told me about them yet_?

_Are you hearing it too?_

_The resets chanting in the background as if demanding our own demise? An angry mob shouting themselves hoarse?_

**_“Reset! Reset! Reset!”_ **

He misses when it was just a low thrum in the background.

The others are stunned to silence. Haru’s bottom lip trembles — a mixture of rage and sorrow. Regret. At her inability to save her father.

“I hate you!” Haru says. Her lips part once more, to say something else. To scold him and scream herself hoarse about everything he did wrong. Instead, what he hears, in a voice that is distinctly distorted, maybe it’s hers, maybe it isn’t.

“ **_I wish it was you!_ **”

It wasn't even really her voice when she said it. Her mouth moved, but it sounded… sounded like someone else. Not Haru, never Haru. 

The room is spinning, splitting, squeezing. Akira feels his body contort in the same way as the room. He _needs_ to ground himself, but he can’t tell what’s going on. Is this reality? Is this a dream? Is he about to shoot up and wake himself up from this nightmare or is he truly losing it?

**_“Reset…”_ **

Akira tries his best to focus on Akechi. An anchor, anything. Akechi stares for a moment, and Akira suddenly— 

_“Don’t say that,” he says firmly. “Hey, I’m here. We don’t… let’s not talk like that okay?”_

_“Things would be much easier if I was just—”_

_“Don’t you dare…”_

_“Akira, we have to. To fix things—”_

_“I don’t care. I don’t care. That’s not what I want.”_

_“We have to. Akira, it’s the only way—”_

_Things were going so well, why couldn’t he see that? They were in an apartment together… who cares? Who cares? God, he’s alive so what else matters?_

_Right?_

**_Wrong!_ **

“ **_Hey_ ** ,” Futaba says sinisterly. Oddly calm. A dark expression on her face as she stares straight ahead at Akechi. “The loop **restarts** if he dies right?” 

_This is wrong. Something is wrong. This_ **_isn’t_ ** _Futaba._

Things distort as she speaks. Things twist, glitch, start and stop and for a second it looks like he’s staring into an old TV breaking down by the second. Akira genuinely thinks he might throw up. He feels disjointed, like his limbs are no longer attached to him. The room grows long, becomes tall, becomes spherical. Akira thinks his head might split open — he’s being pulled into so many different directions and at the same time, he feels nothing. An odd emptiness settles into his bones. Deep within him, he feels the reverberation from the deep distorted voice that repeats the word every other second. The sound of a heartbeat. The dripping of water.

_“Have you ever considered seeing someone about this?”_

_“Your obsession… Akira it’s unhealthy.”_

_“I’m not obsessed!”_

_Glass shatters, sweat is pouring down his face and he can’t breathe. Does he even want to anymore? To breathe?_ ** _He_** _doesn’t_ _anymore_. No, _he didn’t get the choice. He was never granted the choice. Couldn’t breathe since the day he was born and now he’s… and now he’s…_

_“You gotta let it go, Akira.”_

_“He’s—”_

**_“Reset!”_ **

“F-Futaba?!” Ann stutters. The sound draws him back to reality and only then does he realize that Akechi is holding onto his arm tightly. At this point, the only thing keeping him upright.

Or maybe Akechi was what pulled him back, not the sound of Ann’s exclamation. 

In a vain attempt at refocusing on the conversation, he pulls his arm from Akechi’s grip and immediately misses the contact. Regret fills his veins, a viscous, slow moving liquid that makes him itch and squirm. It leaves him uncomfortable, hot, he might even be sweating but no one comments if he is. 

_What is happening?_

_“_ **_It’s collapsing before your eyes. Reset.”_ **

**_“Reset before it’s too late.”_ **

“You can’t possibly be suggesting—?!” Yusuke recoils away from Futaba. Akira blinks trying to look at him, but he’s having such a hard time placing what he even looks like right now. 

_“I can help. I can—”_

_“How? How can you—”_

_“Let me finish.”_

_He has a kind smile. Yet, behind that bespectacled gentle face, is a grief that resonates too deeply with what Akira feels._

_“I understand your feelings. I do.”_

_And Akira knows he’s not lying. So he tries to relax in his chair,_ **_anything will help me now._ **

He shakes his head and tries to take in a deep breath but no air is getting through. Drowning. Weighed down by an anchor dragging him to the depths of the dark uncharted ocean, never to return, never to be seen, his cries never to be heard. Desperate pleas swallowed into this crushing, painful existence. Stuck in between living and dying.

_Where’s the escape?_

Futaba nods at Yusuke, “So what? He’s done it before. If he **dies** , we’ll get **another chance** . If he feels so bad about it, then it shouldn’t be **a** big **deal** right?”

_This isn’t her!_

Things are distorting in front him. The room feels so much longer. Everything seems so far away and for a moment he feels as if he’s looking at something else. Something more sinister. 

_Trying to help._

He _knows_ Futaba would never demand that of anyone — especially not after what they all went through. So who is this in front of him? Who’s controlling her? 

_Who’s trying to make him take the hint? Insisting on it so much?_

The silence in the room is almost deafening. Even Haru stares at her in pure disbelief. So much hatred in Futaba’s heart. So much so that she would suggest he kill himself? 

_This isn’t her. Remember this isn’t her._

_I need to wake up. This isn’t her. It can be her._ Yet, Akira can’t help but wonder _who_ it is then. 

**_“Reset_ ** **.”**

“We don’t lose anything. He shouldn’t either. He comes back anyway.”

Ryuji stares, eyes wide, “Dude, Futaba, that’s kind of fucked up.”

Futaba says something else, but all he hears come out of her mouth is, “ **_Reset_ **.”

Akira nearly stumbles back into Akechi, the room returns to its normal size before it begins twisting once more and he feels like he was slammed with something. Akechi looks at him for a second before schooling his expression.

 _This is wrong_. 

Akechi simply blinks, his face frighteningly blank. 

_I don’t care. I don’t care. That’s not what I want_.

“Akechi—”

“That is an option,” Akechi says, eerily calm. Matching Futaba’s tone. He stares at Akira, his eyes devoid of any emotion. As he speaks, Akira hears the demands to reset in the back of his head, almost distorting Akechi’s voice. “Your call. Shall we restart? The only thing we lose is you all possibly forgetting—”

“No, no, no, no, no, absolutely not. We’re not even going to entertain that idea,” Ann cuts in. “Futaba didn’t mean that.”

“Maybe not. Someone did though,” Akechi replies simply, cryptically. Seeing something that Akira can’t, or maybe he’s hearing everything Akira is hearing. 

_Who is this someone? Who is using Futaba for this? Why?_

Futaba doesn’t say a word, but she avoids all eye contact. _Those aren’t Futaba’s eyes anymore._

“What say you Haru?” Akechi asks her. How can he ask that question so casually? 

Haru looks horrified, blinking away something. She almost looked dazed for a second as if she was fighting _something_. An order? She stutters her response, unable to form a full sentence, “No…! I… I didn’t…”

_Everything is breaking, distorting right in front of his eyes. Why?_

**_“Reset.”_ **

“We just… we need a break. Let’s all go home and relax. Okay? We’ll reconvene tomorrow,” if anyone heard the tremble in Makoto’s voice, they didn’t comment.

Akira doesn’t know if he wants Akechi going home tonight. He doesn’t know if he wants him to go home alone to do… He can’t let that happen. 

Futaba’s words still echo in his head. 

“Futaba, come on,” Makoto says. “We should go.”

Morgana hops out of Akira’s bag, “I’m going to hang with Futaba. To check in, is that okay?” Akira nods and Morgana hops out of his bag, “Will you be okay?” 

“Yeah, I…” he looks at Akechi who is massaging his forehead. 

“...Got it. Be careful okay?”

Akira only nods once more. They leave, hushed whispers from all except Ryuji. Most of them at Futaba, and he doesn’t know when he’ll talk about that with her. It seemed out of character for her to say. A genuine part of him doesn’t even believe it was her speaking. The cafe is still looking weird, twisting until Futaba is no longer in his sights. He blinks, the lights flicker. The room is dim and he turns. 

The bespectacled man stands there, staring at him, **_“Reset.”_ **

Behind him three other looming, giant figures. He can place two of them, surprisingly. _Arsene. Loki._

In an overwhelming volume, a shout that nearly breaks every bone in his body, **_“RESET!”_ **

The windows behind him shatter, the lights shatter, all the glass shatters and Akira— 

He blinks. Standing in a white room. The bespectacled man sits in a chair, white suit, a worried smile. 

_“Have you forgotten?”_

Akira gasps, backing away almost tripping over a chair, blinking rapidly to see Akechi, staring at the floor. Everything in tact. Nothing broken except maybe his mind. Akechi’s eyes dart up but he’s now looking at him. _Is he seeing something too_? The lights are back to regular brightness and Akira tries to catch his breath. Slowly, he reaches for Akechi carefully and takes him by the wrist, thinner than he recalls and Akechi sucks in a sharp breath. Whatever daze he was in, he snaps out of it, closing his eyes tightly before beginning to pull away. Akira only tightens his grip and Akechi frowns at him.

“What?” but he sounds so _tired_ . It holds no heat, no aggression. It almost sounds _worried_. What does he see in Akira’s face…?

“What’s going on?” Akira hates how absolutely terrified he sounds. 

Akechi releases a hollow laugh, “I think, whoever is in control… or at least initiated the loops is trying to send us a message.” 

Akira frowns, “Are you hearing it too? The—”

At the same time, they speak, “‘Reset?’” 

Akira blinks, horrified by this. He tries to steady his breathing. _He’s panicking_. 

“Only makes sense,” Akechi begins. “Things are going off the rails. Futaba’s unrestrained anger? It’s not her.”

“You said she hated you in every loop even when you didn’t do anything? Is that—”

“Typically a sign that we’re doing things wrong. Or things are going wrong. Or _something_ ,” Akechi murmurs. “I don’t know what… It’s strange how much reality starts to break when it thinks we’re going down the wrong path.”

Akira tightens his grip on Akechi’s wrist trying to draw him back, “How long have you been hearing it?”

“Hmm…” Akechi hums. “In the cafe, when you nearly knocked yourself out—”

“That long?!” Akira shouts. “God, why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

Akechi shook his head, “It came and went. I assumed when it stopped shouting at me, we were correcting things. Yet, here we are.”

Akira releases a tremulous sigh, “I should still apologize for what Futaba said.”

“Not your fault—”

“Let me fucking apologize,” Akira snaps. Akechi clamps his mouth shut. “What was said today to you was not okay, it will never be okay and I’m sorry… I’m sorry I didn’t say anything to stop it. I’m just… scared.” It feels weird to finally admit that out loud. Akechi’s face turns into one of concern. “I’m scared of restarting this loop, I’m scared of failing you, the others… I know they want to save the people they care about and I want that for them, but how do I tell them that may not be what needs to happen? I worry about what that does to you.” he takes a deep breath, "Stay with me tonight. Morgana won't be here. I don't want you to do anything…"

"I get it," he mutters. "I appreciate your honesty. But don't shoulder it on your own. Your decision making gets worse when you start overwhelming yourself."

"Will you stay?" Akira asks again. 

Akechi hesitates and adverts his gaze. In a silent plea, Akira squeezes his wrist. Akechi looks up again and nods.

"Fine," Akechi manages in a voice quieter than Akira thinks he intended. "I will stay. But… don't get used to it." 

"I wouldn't imagine," but Akira wonders if that was a hint to the past. Has Akechi stayed here before? Longer? Had Akechi—

He stops that train of thought and slowly brings Akechi upstairs. 

**_“RESET.”_ **

This may be the last time for this loop anyway.

* * *

_“I distinctly_ **_r_** _emember t_ ** _e_** _ll_ _ing you I was not going to go,” Akechi_ **_s_** _i_ _ghs. “Akira, sh_ ** _e_ ** _ha_ ** _t_** _es me. Always has, always will.”_

 _A part of Aki_ ** _r_** _a knows this. H_ ** _e_ ** _just doe_ ** _s_** _n’t want to go alon_ ** _e_ ** _and would much prefer_ **_t_** _o spend time with his boyfriend than anything else. Akira takes off his glasses and nods._

_“Alright,” Akira pulls out his phone. “I’ll… I got it.”_

_Akechi’s exp_ **_r_ ** _ession soft_ ** _e_** _ns and Akira know_ ** _s_ ** _that h_ ** _e_** _’s done it this_ **_t_** _ime. Unintentionally made him feel guilty for not going. Akira doesn’t argue this much anymore. He doesn’t like putting Akechi in uncomfortable situations, but…_

 _Well, he’s still struggling to balance his f_ ** _r_** _iends and his boyfri_ ** _e_** _nd. If he'_ ** _s_ ** _being hon_ ** _e_** _st, still_ **_t_** _rying to balance time between his boyfriend and Futaba and Haru really. Haru isn’t nearly as intense anymore. Maybe she hasn’t forgiven him, but she’s learned to tolerate him. Learned that Akira is in love with him and with that means that she will likely see more of Akechi. That being said, Akechi does try his hardest to not interact with either of the two for that reason specifically, but she’s at least cordial. Futaba… maybe it was because they didn't do anything to try to reconcile, maybe it was pent up frustrations and she blames him for not only the death of her mother but also for the life she lived for years after. A shut in, too scared to see people, distorted her view of the world to the point where she developed a palace._

 _And while Akechi didn’t have a_ **_r_** _ol_ ** _e_ ** _in the la_ ** _s_** _t part, maybe sh_ ** _e_ ** _blames him a little for_ **_t_** _hat. Or a lot._

_But Akira can’t fault her for not wanting to get along with him, but when he compares it to how Haru has become. How her and Akechi can somehow still have a peaceful conversation about different things… Akira can’t help but wonder what’s going through Futaba’s head._

_Maybe it was the age it happened._

_Akira just doesn’t know anymore._

_But Futaba’s unwillingness to endure Akechi’s presence has made it difficult. They now have four group chats. One with neither Akechi nor Futaba, one for each and one where both are there (though it might as well be another Futaba chat because Akechi almost never speaks in there out of respect for her). They may have five or six and those might be ones he’s not in. He loves Futaba, but sometimes… sometimes he wonders if Futaba still sees him the same way or his close affiliation with Akechi has really changed her view of him despite what she says. Despite months of arguing, she finally conceded that she won’t hold it against him if he dates Akechi; she just wants nothing to do with him._

_That made it hard though._

_Because Ann? Makoto? Yusuke? Most surprisingly Ryuji? Don’t mind him. It’s not like they’re much older than Futaba, but sometimes it feels like it._

_The six of them were fine. They were hanging with Akira and Akechi — not alone of course — for some time before Akira even asked him out. They had fun together. Had their own separate game nights for some time, but he knew the secret of their friendship with Akechi was weighing down on them when Futaba would ask to hang out and they were already together with Akechi. Them having four group chats was already enough, but them struggling to split the time between them was causing a lot of tension. Akechi won’t throw a fit if he’s not invited, he p_ ** _r_** _o_ _bably couldn’t car_ ** _e_** _les_ ** _s_ ** _, but Akira loves sp_ ** _e_** _nding_ **_t_** _ime with him. He consulted them first about it, wondered if he was crazy for it. Yet somehow they all said they saw it coming. They also said he shouldn’t worry about their opinions of him. It’s Futaba and Haru he has to deal with._

 _Because they’ve come to te_ ** _r_** _ms with it. B_ ** _e_** _cau_ ** _s_** _ethey und_ ** _e_** _rstand that what he did_ **_t_** _hen isn’t consistent with this time. He learned, he changed, he refused to be a puppet like he said._

_And yet…_

_Futaba won’t accept that._

_Haru admitted it took some time, but knowing he regretted enough to change was enough for her._

_Where did he go wrong with Futaba? What did he miss?_

_Akechi places a reassuring hand on his shoulder and gives it a light squeeze, "I have some work to do anyway. I'm not going to make you choose, it wouldn't be right. Go ahead."_

_Yet, he's painfully aware of the reluctance in his voice._

_Makoto texts in the chat before Akira can say anything._

_Makoto: Akira let us know when you and Akechi get here._

_Akira sighs._

_Akira: Just me. Will be there in a bit._

_"See you later," Akira gently kisses Akechi on the cheek. "If you actually have work, please don't do it. Get some rest."_

_Akechi laughs, softly, beautifully, "Sure. Be safe. Call me if you need me."_

_He leaves, d_ ** _r_** _aws it out for as long as h_ ** _e_ ** _can. Gro_ ** _s_** _sing his boyfri_ ** _e_** _nd out by peppering him wi_ ** _t_** _h as much love and affection as possible, but he hates it. He hopes he understands just how much he loves him and is sorry about everything. Akira is already dreading going over there, he just wants to curl up next to Akechi and talk about nothing for hours. Akechi could rant for hours about work and Akira would be content to just listen. A consistency in their relationship since the beginning. Akechi could talk for hours without realizing it and Akira was content with just staring at him and listening to his voice._

_"Hey!" Ann exclaims when Akira shows up at the door. "Not gonna lie, little disappointed that Akechi didn't show, but I guess it's for the best."_

**_R_** _yuji pops up b_ ** _e_** _hind her, "Yeah, Futaba i_ ** _s_ ** _not in the mood. Dunno what happ_ ** _e_** _ned, bu_ ** _t_ ** _… yeah."_

_Great. Good to know._

_“How is he doing anyway?” Ann asks. “Every time we think about planning something with all of us… well, things like tonight happen. Are you sure it’s okay for you to keep… y’know, coming to these things? Akechi has gotta want to spend more time with you. I know he’s trying to be considerate… and is probably just tired of the tension with Futaba, but I mean…”_

_Is that something he told you? Did he confide in you that he wishes he could spend more time with me? How much has he told you Ann that he hasn’t told me?_

_While he is always grateful for Ann, grateful for the unlikely friendship Akechi and her have somehow formed to the point where Akira could actually find the two together without him, sometimes he wonders how much she knows that he doesn't. How much Akechi will tell her and not him._

_"Sorry, I guess I stepped out of line—"_

_"He's fine," Akira mutters. "I'm tired of this tension too."_

_Exhausted really and both Ann and Ryuji can see it._

_"I need to let him know… wait...don't tell me…" Akira silently curses himself. All that time drawing out his departure and he..._

_"You left your phone didn't you?" Ryuji laughed. "You must be really tired. We wouldn't have blamed you if you just didn't come bro."_

_He sh_ ** _r_** _ugged, but kn_ ** _e_** _w Akechi would be irritated that Akira left hi_ ** _s_ ** _phon_ ** _e_ ** _, "Needed_ **_t_** _o do something that wasn't work." Ryuji and Ann exchange glances, "Ann, can I text him real quick?"_

_"Oh, yeah! It's inside though," both her and Ryuji head inside beckoning Akira to follow. He does so, albeit reluctantly. Makoto and the others greet him with eager smiles and he silently appreciates the fact that he wasn't very emotive when they were younger._

_It helps keep the truth from showing. Low energy is just him._

_He loves his friends more than anything. But he gets tired of having to choose. While Akechi says he's making the choice for Akira, Akira has the power to say no. He has the choice to say no. And yet he takes the easy way out._

_He didn't used to be this way… this wasn't how it was supposed to be but maybe fighting for their collective freedom from that loop for so long changes you._

_It changed Akechi, that's for certain._

_Ann: Hey, it's Akira. Left my phone at home sorry._

_Akechi responds quickly._

_Akechi: I know. I was texting you and your phone went off in the next room._

_Akira cracks a smile._

_Ann: Love you. What were you texting me about?_

_Akechi: I would prefer if you didn’t type such things under Ann’s name._

_Akechi: And nothing. You’ll see it when you get home. Do you want me to bring it?_

_Ann: No._

_The last thing he wants to do is make him come somewhere he very obviously does not want to go to._

_Akechi: Okay._

_Akira smiles wishing he was here truthfully. His eyes drift to the last conversation Ann and Akechi had._

_Ann: You coming?_

_Akechi: No._

_Ann: Awww how come?_

_Akechi: Futaba hates me?_

_Akechi: Thought that was pretty obvious._

_Ann: Yeah… maybe fun games can help fix it?_

_Akechi: No._

_Akechi: I’m tired Ann. I’m tired of trying to fix something she very obviously doesn’t want fixed._

_Akechi: I’m tired of putting in energy she refuses to match._

_Akechi: I’m tired of her living in denial. But I get it, I was like that too._

_Akechi: It’s easier to put the blame on someone else than confront the truth. I did that with my own mother for years._

_Ann: Akechi…_

_Ann: Tell Akira to stay with you? I think it’s about time you two spent time together, yeah?_

_Ann: …?_

_Ann: Akechi? You there?_

_Akechi: Yeah… I’ll think about it._

_Ann: Alright… you two..._

_Ann: It’s none of my business, but..._

_Ann: Is everything okay between you two?_

_Akechi: I would like to think so. I want it to be._

_Ann: Ok… you can talk to me, you know that right? If something’s bothering you? Can help you get your thoughts out?_

_Akechi: I know. Thank you Ann._

_Akira swallows. He’s heard the previous conversation from Akechi himself before. About Futaba. About never wanting to interact with her again. But Ann really told him to tell Akira to stay._

_He’s the worst._

_“Here,” Akira practically throws the phone at her. “Sorry, thanks.”_

_“Yeah! Uh… everything okay?” Ann asks, a frown deep in her brow. If she knew Akira had read any of her messages with Akechi she didn't let on._

_Akira shrugs, “I just kind of wished I stayed home.”_

_Ann opens her mouth to comment but decides against it. She pats him on the shoulder. Futaba rushes in with board games in her arms followed by a girl with intense red hair—_

* * *

Akira jolts awake gasping desperately for air. He's broken out in a cold sweat. Rubbing his eyes, maybe too hard, he tries to ground himself. He's in Leblanc, not… not whoever's house that was. Futaba's? He looks over to the couch and hears Akechi's soft snoring. Slowly, Akira slides out of the tangled mess of sheets and tiptoes to Akechi. 

**_“Reset! Reset! Reset!”_ **

It’s louder, unbearably loud. He feels like his head is about to explode. 

For a moment, Akira doesn't know why he walks over — or rather, stumbles over. The room is spinning. His head is going to break. Yet, he doesn't want to disturb him — he knows Akechi has enough trouble sleeping as it is. But he needs to… he needs to see Akechi now. Not in whatever fucked up dream he had. How neglectful he was. How unhappy they both were. He doesn't want that for them.

He wants…

Well, what does he want? What does Akechi want out of all of this? 

He deserves to make that choice in the end doesn't he?

Akira gently caresses his cheek before pressing a tender kiss to it lingering there for longer than necessary. To take in his beautiful features. To see him not bogged down by stress and anxiety. To see him not constantly in a state of pure exhaustion. 

Just Akechi. 

The man in white appears in his vision as he begins to fade away to sleep.

_“Have you forgotten?”_

**_RESET._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little bit of a longer chapter to hold you guys over until the next if it's not up next week!  
> Hope you all are doing well!  
> Thank you for all your lovely comments! They make my day!


	10. Chapter 10

_“Akira…”_

_Akira blinks, the voice he knows belongs to Goro. He doesn’t know why it sounds like he’s repeated his name at least ten times. Everything is a blur and no matter how much he rubs his eyes he can’t seem to fight through this fog._

_“Akira,” warm hands caress his face forcing him to look up. “Hey.” Akira blinks again and he wonders if maybe he actually needs glasses right now. “You okay? You seem out of it.”_

_He_ is _. That being said, he doesn’t know why he is. His head kind of hurts right now._

_“Hey,” Goro repeats. “Why don’t you go lie down?”_

_Akira huffs trying to push through the haze and place where he is. He pulls away easily from Goro's worried hands and looks around trying to ground himself._

_"What happened?" Akira asks slowly. He's in a familiar apartment, Goro's?_

_"You tell me," he scoffs. "You keep staring off…" he sighs and begins to get up from his spot beside Akira. "Maybe we should restart, Akira."_

_"What—?! No, no, no, Goro," Akira desperately grabs his wrist tugging him back and he hears Goro hiss in discomfort. Akira recoils, releasing him quickly having forgotten about the burn on his wrist from a mishap in Mementos. "I'm sorry, I forgot." He apologizes as he carefully takes his wrist in his hands once more to look it over. Goro scoffs, but he looks tired. "Goro?" He presses a kiss to his cheek drawing it out until Goro pulls away to look at him._

_"Things are all wrong Akira," Goro murmurs._

_"I love you."_

_"You can't use that to get out of this conversation. You always do that," Goro insists with a frown. "Stop trying to weaponize that against me."_

_"I'm not—"_

_"You know that's a lie."_

_"I only need you," Akira argues. "That's it."_

_"That's also not true and you trying to convince yourself of that is reason enough for me to give us a fresh start."_

_"What if I forget?" Akira laments trying to get him to stop and consider it._

_"You've forgotten how it started," Goro comments. "And trying to force yourself to accept a reality where we basically avoid all things Phantom Thieves… it's not going to work out._

_"How do you know?!" Akira yells. "God, am I not enough?"_

_Goro shakes his head, "Akira, you know this is wrong. You know that's not true. In every loop I come back to you but just us isn't enough. You see things distorting around us, your friends are miserable, Shido will win, I can't…" he runs a hand roughly through his hair. "I can't keep deceiving him and when he finds out, he'll try to kill me. That's fine—"_

_"Fine?!"_

_"But I can't risk him hurting you."_

_Akira hates this, he hates this, he hates this. When will he acknowledge his value? When will he realize how much Akira cares and loves him? What does he have to do to just be with him?_

_"You're spiralling," Akira blinks, the person talking to him is not Goro. He's in a room that's blindingly bright, everything is white, endless. He groans and rubs his forehead trying to ease away a migraine._

_"You've forgotten, haven't you?"_

_"Who's there?" Akira asks, spinning around for some sort of being. His voice echoes in the boundless room._

_"You should know my voice well by now."_

_When he blinks again the being in front of him is very familiar, "Arsene?"_

_"Hmph," Arsene's form is hardly complete. It's distorted, much like Leblanc was earlier._

_"What have I forgotten?" Akira asks. So much. He knows he's forgotten_ so _much of everything he's been through with the loops but if remembering something is key to ending this then…_

_"You struck a deal inmate," Akira stumbles backwards at the sudden force, disoriented. He's thrust into the cell once more, Caroline and Justine staring down at him. He feels like he's jumping consciousness. Different bodies that are all his, yet his mind..._

_He looks at his surroundings, there are so many shackles on him._

_"Self inflicted," Justine says softly._

_"Because of the foolish desires," Caroline continues in loud dismay._

_"You completed your rehabilitation," Justine says._

_"Yet, you fell backwards, distorted."_

_"Fractured."_

_"Empty."_

_They continue bouncing off each other. Describing him and breaking him down with each adjective._

_What do they mean? Akechi said they hadn't won before?_

_"The chains, a symbol of what you have done to yourself inmate," Caroline continues. "You have the key."_

_"But do you know where you hid it?" Justine asks._

_"I…" Akira is clenching his fists._

_"If you can remember, perhaps things can return."_

_"If you do it before you forget everything."_

_"What about Goro?" Akira manages, pushing past the fog, trying to do anything. Is he even really here right now? Thinking about it now, when was the last time he encountered these two?_

_"Trapped with you," Justine stares._

_"Because of you," Caroline scowls._

_"Because of me?"_

_"Your despair inmate, do you remember it?"_

_Akira doesn't speak, unable to properly form words._

_Unable to breathe. He's hit with a wave of intense grief, a depression so deep he once again feels like he's drowning, dying. He feels empty, a darkness envelopes him and suddenly his head is afloat, looking down at his form. A pathetic trembling mess, sobbing hysterically as an intense torrential storm of emotions hit him all at once._

_And then it's gone and he's staring at the ground blinking, trying to catch his breath between the tears._

_"Untouched grief causes people to do many things," the voice is calming, reasonable and not belonging to the twins. He's in a white space once more, vacant of any life but the voice that speaks. "Bottling it up for so long can cause a multitude of issues."_

_His lips move on their own accord, playing a role in a movie he doesn't recall being casted in. Yet, his heart aches, his chest feels tight, continuously constricting as he speaks, "I… I don't know what to do. I've been to so many people like you and it's never worked. He's… he's…"_

_"You blame yourself for his fate. It's truly unfortunate what happened to him."_

_"What can I…" he hangs his head, tears still streaming down his face._

_"Breathe," the voice eases him. "Your case is truly unique and I can provide you a solution I don't normally offer others." A sigh, "I can help. You can fix this."_

_"How?!" He shouts, voice breaking as much as his mind and body, as if he's shouted his whole life._

_"Relax," he feels an invisible hand placed on his own, and gives him a light squeeze. He looks up and finds himself in a white chair, and a man in a white suit sitting across from him, glasses on, dark brown hair, and all Akira can think about is how familiar he seems._

_"I know this is confusing," he continues, but his eyes are obscured behind the glasses. "But Akira, I need_ **_you_ ** _to hear me."_

 _For the first time, Akira realizes that it's truly_ **_him_ ** _he's speaking to. It's_ **_his_ ** _eyes he's looking through._

 _"You hear me?" Akira nods. "You don't remember me, do you?" Akira only shakes his head. It's too much work to try to speak right now when he still feels the grief of a thousand weighing on his chest. "There is much I want to say, but so little before… regardless, you must_ **_reset_ ** _." No, no, no… "It is the only way to push you forward. You made a deal, you have to close it out—"_

_The voice suddenly stops and Akira is spun around in his chair and he's now sitting at a table with the others. Ann, Ryuji, Yusuke, Haru, Makoto, and Futaba. All of them. But where's Goro?_

_"Hey," Ann smiles at him. "You there?"_

_"Goro will be here soon," he murmurs, I just got a text from him._

_Futaba scoffs, "I'm pretty sure he said that thirty minutes ago. What's holding him up?"_

_"I'm not sure," Akira shrugs, his brain suddenly caught up with the situation yet he feels weird. "I asked, he avoided it."_

_"He's probably still doing shifty things. Doing the dirty work for someone again. Maybe he's still with Shido."_

_"Futaba!" Makoto scolds, but it's too late. Goro walked into the room, staring Futaba down. "A-Akechi! Hey!"_

_Ryuji elbows Futaba, "Dude, apologize."_

_"She's not sorry," Goro says with that plastic smile that Akira hates. "I just came here to say that something important with work has come up that I have to take care of, I'll just be heading out now."_

_"Wait, Goro," Akira flings himself after him. He ignores the hushed scolding the others are giving Futaba._ Why did she say that? 

_Because she knows where it hurts. She knows Shido is a sensitive subject for Goro. Knows how much he put up with his shit, his abuse because that was the only thing that kept him going. Knows how much he hated doing the things he did, but it was the only thing that kept him alive. Hated it so he stopped and it cost him so much that Goro was almost unrecognizable._

_“Goro, please wait!” Akira grabs his wrist._

_Goro spins around to face him, violently tearing his wrist out of Akira’s grip, fury in his eyes, hatred, “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep pretending that I’m okay with this Akira.”_

_Akira knows this, he_ **_knows_ ** _this, so why does he keep forcing Goro to compromise for him?_

_He swallows, he needs to make this right. He needs to, he can’t lose him again, “I’m sorry, I know. I know, and I’m sorry.”_

_“So you just said,” Goro scoffs and turns to leave._

_“Wait, please,” Akira pulls him into a hug. “Please don’t leave. Let’s talk about this.”_

_Goro shakes his head, “There’s nothing to talk about. You don’t get it, do you?” Akira stares up at him, and can already feel the floor crumbling beneath him. “I have never once belonged in this group that you keep trying to pull me into. I don’t belong anywhere, and I think I just need to come to terms with that. I think you need to too.”_

_“Goro, that’s not true—”_

_“What? Are you going to say we can make it work? We’ve been trying— I’ve been trying and it’s not—”_

_“You belong with me!” Akira cuts him off, frustrated, angry that Goro seems to ignore how important he is to him. “You… are the most important person to me—”_

_“That’s not true.”_

_“How would you know? How are you going to tell me what’s going on in my heart? In my head? How?!” Goro clamps his mouth shut. “Why don’t we just… I don’t know, go somewhere else? Move or something?”_

_Goro studies him in silence and Akira stares straight back at him. They could just leave. He was hardly attached to this area, only his friends really made him come back. He would be lying to himself if he didn’t have enormous amounts of untouched trauma from everything that happened with the Phantom Thieves and the imprisonment even if…_

_Well he won’t dwell on it._

_“You’re gone,” Goro mutters._

_“Gone? What?” Akira asks, blinking repeatedly._

_“You do that a lot now, you know,” Goro and he are standing on opposite sides of the kitchen island. He looks around him,_ when did he? _“You go off somewhere and I feel like it takes forever to get you grounded. Are you still seeing that therapist?”_

_“Therapist?”_

_Goro blinks owlishly, “Are you still going to refuse to tell me their name? You keep fighting me on this. You don’t want me to go with you, which is fine. But you also don’t tell me their name and I don’t remember the last time I heard you say you were going to see them or that you were scheduling an appointment.” He takes a drink from his wine glass. “Do I have to schedule one for you?”_

_“Goro, babe, I don’t need one, I’m fine.”_

_“And Futaba doesn’t hate me,” he rolls his eyes. “Are you at least still writing things down? Like they directed?”_

_Akira gasps and ignores the last comment, “What? I’m not lying.”_

_Goro fiddles with the ring on his finger. A beautiful gold band that Akira remembers spending a lot of time trying to figure out his size before buying it. Akira looks at his own and wonders when they’ll finally have time to sit down and start planning it. They’ve been putting it off, between moving to this far off home, far away from Tokyo, to figuring out their work schedules and actually making sure they’re happy together, the wedding truly seems so far away. He doesn’t want to rush it, in fact, he enjoys knowing that Goro does indeed want to marry him. Akira walks to the otherside of the island and pulls Goro into a gentle kiss. Goro gasps into it, shocked by the sudden contact, the sudden affection, before relaxing into his embrace. Akira gently pulls the brunette’s hair out of the ponytail and rests his arms around Goro’s neck._

_“I love you,” Akira mutters when they part. “I promise you, I’m okay.”_

_Goro remains in contemplative silence, his loose hair now tickling Akira’s arms, but he relishes in being this close to Goro and Akira finds him slowly rocking them back and forth in a half dance. Goro follows along, if only to make sure they don’t fall._

_“I am.”_

_“I want to believe you,” Goro murmurs. “But I worry about you. What the loop did to you—”_

_“And you,” Akira gently reminds._

_Goro hums, “Yes, but I left. Separated myself from the incident to give myself time to heal. You didn’t. Kept in constant touch with the very people that reminded you everything. Akira, you never let yourself heal from anything.”_

_He huffs in frustration, but knows where this is going, “That’s why I’m here now, right?”_

_“No, you’re here now because—”_

_“I’m in love with you and I proposed to you so we moved away, I got it,” Akira laughs._

_“Akira, I know you hate talking about this, but it’s something we need to discuss,” Goro insists. “I hate talking about how shit my mental health is as much as you,_ but _for both of us, for_ you _, we need to take the proper steps to get you better.”_

 _It was strange how much their roles seemed to flip since they got out of the loop. Strange how much Goro was now very much an advocate for mental health, avoiding self-destructive behaviors, self worth, everything, not that they were out of the loop. Strange how Akira was now the one who was falling to pieces, unable to accept the fact that he could lean on someone, that maybe therapy was_ okay _._

_Yet, he himself can’t quite place why he’s avoiding therapy. Perhaps it’s because it’ll just remind him… remind him of what started this in the first place._

_He never told Goro._

_“Never told me what, Akira?”_

_Akira sucks in a sharp breath and backs away. He stumbles and falls backwards trying to catch his breath. Before him, is Akechi. Standing there, his abdomen bleeding out from a gunshot wound, his eyes vacant, his black mask broken. Akechi’s form is a stark contrast to the white endless void he has returned too. Blood continues to leak from the wound._

_“Akechi?” Akira stutters. “Akechi, you’re hurt.”_

_“You didn’t save me,” he says, voice void of emotions. His jaw moves weirdly, like it’s being controlled by a ventriloquist. It doesn’t look like the words are coming from him even if it is his voice. “Is this what you call trying to save me? Torturing me? Trapping me in a never ending loop where you get the luxury of forgetting and I don’t?” He steps forward and Akira continues staring wide-eyed, slack jawed. “Why did you think this was helping? You didn’t even ask for my permission. Selfish.” His voice is on the brink of a yell. “You’ve always been so fucking selfish!” Each word grows louder until the last one makes him flinch away. Akira winces and he feels like he’s forgotten how to breathe once more._

_“I—”_

_Akira blinks and now Akechi, Loki, Arsene, and the bespectacled man stand before him._

_They cock their head to the side simultaneously, “You’ve forgotten, haven’t you?”_

_Then, in a resounding, ear deafening shout, they all scream at him, “_ **_RESET!”_ **

_He feels like he’s being blown away. He struggles to stay grounded, to not be swept away with the sheer force of the scream. The white shatters beneath him like glass and he’s falling._

_And falling._

_And falling._

_Time slows and clocks surround him all going at different paces, broken._

_“Just like the loop.”_

_“All because of you.”_

**_Reset._ **

Akira jolts up and stumbles back desperately trying to breathe. He’s drenched and stares at Akechi before him who stirs in his sleep. Akira doesn’t move. He _can’t_ move. His attempts to breathe are mind numbing, the only thing filling in the silence besides the constant reset hitting him in the head like he's the punching bag. 

_What was that? What was that?!_

“Mn… Akira...?” Akechi mumbles rubbing his eyes. “What…?” Akira must’ve looked terrible because he shot up from the couch, eyes wide in alarm and confusion. “What the hell? What happened?”

There was something refreshing and calming about hearing the concern in Akechi’s voice. No matter how much it sounded like the one in his dream telling him to get therapy. 

“Akira? Akira, are you with me?” Akechi is shaking him now. “Snap out of it, idiot. What’s going on? Talk to me, damn it.”

“I’m okay…” Akira stutters out and he doesn’t think it was coherent at all because Akechi raises an eyebrow high. “...‘m okay…” 

“Bullshit,” Akechi scoffs. “You’re shaking, sweating like crazy, and you’re fucking _crying_ , Akira. Like hell you’re okay. What happened? What did you see?”

_See._

Interesting that he didn’t just call it a bad dream. Interesting that he immediately thought there was something beyond just _dreaming_ for Akira. Akechi is meticulous about how he speaks. Each word carefully picked. 

So why did he say “see”? 

“Akira, come _on_ ,” Akechi shakes him, the irritation bleeding through. His teeth are gritted and Akira can tell he’s trying his best to not snap at him. 

“What do you mean by ‘what did you see’?” Akira manages, wetting his lips and Akech stops shaking him and cocks his head to the side. _He didn’t realize he said that_. Akira hates everything right now, and he’s relieved that Akechi stopped shaking him, because he thinks he might have lost consciousness from the sheer dizziness he was feeling from the dream still. 

“In your dreams? I’m assuming you had some sort of a nightmare,” Akechi glares at him. “Are you going to talk, or am I going to have to force it out of you?”

“It was… confusing,” Akira begins. “I need to… I need to sit on it for a bit. I don’t quite know what it was… or if it was even a dream.”

Akechi scrunches up his face and pinches the bridge of his nose before releasing a tired sigh. The bags under his eyes have returned Akira realizes. Even in just the bare light of the moon, he still looks exhausted. In his dreams, did Akechi look like this? Tired? Weary? Probably, he was too focused on the fact that his body was doing things he definitely wasn’t trying to do. The words coming out of his mouth weren’t his own, but the doppelganger he was watching. A disjointed movie playing out before him. He was the actor and the audience all at the same time. 

“...Fine,” Akechi relents. “However, come morning, I’m going to hound you for answers, you hear? Don’t avoid it. I need to know.”

“Why?”

“I want to get out of this fucking loop,” Akechi sneers. “You’re the only one who can end it I’m sure. So I’m going to need you to be honest about what you dreamed about. Maybe it operates like the Velvet Room. You get visions or some shit when you’re asleep.”

Akira doesn’t know if he should remind him of the events in Leblanc earlier. Where they were both most definitely seeing something in broad daylight and definitely not trying to _sleep._

“Fine, unconscious,” Akechi amends noting Akira’s expression. “I don’t know about what happened in Leblanc. They happen from time to time, but I’m definitely not aware of what’s happening in reality versus… whatever the fuck you can call that.” Akira only nods mutely. “What?” Akechi stands and holds a hand out for Akira to take. Akira’s muscles ache as he reaches up, they’re stiff and uncooperative. If Akechi’s eyebrows could raise any higher he’s sure they would be on the ceiling by now. “You’re a mess.” He leans down and meets Akira halfway hefting him up.

Akira can’t hold himself up. His legs tremble beneath him and the weight of his body is so much heavier than he’s familiar with. His bodyweight leans wholly on Akechi and he stumbles backwards onto the couch in surprise. 

“What in the world?!” Akechi shouts. “Akira!”

“I… I can’t…” 

He’s swallowed into darkness before he can even finish his sentence. Despite that, he hears the faraway voice of Akechi calling for him. 

_What’s happening?_

_“I apologize for dragging back in, but I need you to hear me. It’s the only way to save you and your friends.”_

_...What?_

_“You realize that things are not right. That no matter what you do, the loop will_ **_never end_ ** _until you_ **_wake up_ ** _.” Certain words echo, they sound louder as if trying to emphasize his focus on them._

_“Wake up to what?” Akira is back in the white void on his knees. Beneath him is his shadow, long, unending as it continues going beyond his own sight._

_“_ **_The truth_ ** _, Akira,” the voice continues. “You perpetuate this loop, but Akechi has already informed you of that.”_

_Akira attempts to stand, but he feels unsteady. He begins teetering back and forth before falling back. A chair is shoved under his legs, catching him from his fall and he sits in a lounge, just as white as the void. The chair is white, the table is white, the floor is white, the walls are white, and he’s not quite how he can tell that this room is different from the void. Not quite sure how he can tell this is a room and not just the void._

_“In your grief, you struck a deal,” the voice continues but there is no one around him. “With me. I helped you to save the one you love.”_ Goro? “ _But you’ve fallen too far in your grief. You’ve fallen so far that you forced yourself to forget everything you’ve done up until now.” His own memory loss is self inflicted? That doesn’t make sense, this doesn’t make sense! “You ran away from your deal, afraid to close it with your ailing mental state. I’ve shown you what I could access deep within your own subconscious. You’ve suppressed so much Akira…” The voice sounds sad, scared_ for _Akira. Akira here’s them say more, he knows they’re saying more, but for some reason they’re muffled, distorted. “...Can you hear me? You…” What is happening? “...There is still so much, but you have to open up. You have to allow yourself to remember. I understand your fear, and while right now you may truly_ think _you want to remember everything, deep down, you’re afraid to remember it. Afraid to confront the truth.”_

_“You’re not explaining anything,” Akira shouts._

_They continue talking, saying words that Akira’s brain can’t interpret. They cut in and out like a phone call with bad service._

_“Can you hear me?” they ask._

_Akira shakes his head, “No.”_

_A long sigh, “Even now, I can’t reach you. Even now, you’re avoiding…” Their voice distorts again. Akira’s head aches. He feels a pressure, something knocking on his head trying to enter. He shuts his eyes tightly trying to block it out, maybe focus on the voice trying to reach out to him._

_But it feels so impossible._

He opens his eyes.

“God, are you finally back? I'm getting tired.”

He’s on his back staring up at the ceiling once more. When he looks down, he realizes that he somehow made it onto his bed. He runs a hand through his hair and looks to where the voice came from. Beside him, Akechi is leaning his head on the bed, half asleep. 

“I’m tired and would very much like to sleep if you can keep it together for a couple of hours,” he remarks blandly. “I don’t know what’s going on, but—” he yawns, “I’m too tired to deal with it anyway.”

He is too, but he feels like he’s been sleeping for way too long. 

“Goro, I’m sorry,” Akira mutters.

“I don’t know what you’re apologizing about,” he furrows his brow. “But it will have to wait until the morning. Obviously, we both need some semblance of sleep and this is not going to work.”

“I’m sorry—”

Goro releases a loud sigh, “What do you not understand about going to sleep! Shut up Akira, we’ll deal with it later. Isn’t that what you wanted earlier?”

Akira swallows and manages a soft chuckle, “Yes, I suppose you’re right. Sorry—”

“If you apologize one more time…”

“Goodnight, Goro. I love you,” Akira smiles softly. “Come closer.”

Akechi raises an eyebrow, unimpressed, “What? In your bed? It’s small.”

“Yeah, okay, come here,” Akira pulls at his arm. Akechi doesn’t have the energy to fight. He rolls his eyes and falls into the bed. Akira holds him tightly and wills himself to not see the white void that kept taking over his mind. To his surprise, he feels Akechi wrap his arms around his as well. 

“Easy Akira,” Akechi whispers soothingly. “Easy. You’re safe.”

He wonders if he truly is. With Akechi, he feels safe, but in the back of his head, the “reset’s” that he knows Akechi is also hearing, the mysterious being that keeps talking to him in his sleep. 

_Is he safe?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was originally longer (and 8k) but I decided to split it up into two chapters.  
> Also, I apologize if the bold or italics look weird in certain spots, when I upload it to Ao3 the formatting gets a little weird with those. 
> 
> Comments and kudos are appreciated as always!


	11. Chapter 11

"Alright, out with it," Akechi sighs for the fifth time leaning against the wall next to Akira’s bed. "Last night you freaked out next to me and then promptly collapsed again without explaining anything. Rinse and repeat."

“The last one I wanted to talk—”

“You got back to me too late, Akira,” Akechi scoffs. “Just because sleep doesn’t do much for me doesn’t mean I can still stay awake forever without going any more crazy than I already am.”

“You still have trouble sleeping?” 

Akechi only hums in response. 

The chanting is still in the back of his head loud and clear. He knows Akechi hears it too.

They’ve been at this for way too long and getting nowhere. Akira didn’t want to talk about it. He was still trying to process what he saw and what it meant. _Why is he dreaming about these things? Why is he having visions?_ And why are they so utterly _depressing_?

The dream last night was more visceral, it was clear. He was seeing it all play out as if it was a movie. Everything felt real, his body was moving, it was his voice talking. It was _him_. Yet, he had no control, watching himself, older, miserable. 

And in the background, the word "reset" was on repeat.

 _Is that what he’s doomed to become?_

Or... Were they...?

He shakes his head.

And then that blasted voice. That blasted voice trying to tell him _something_. What was he supposed to do with what little he got? According to the owner of the voice, Akira was the cause of all of this. That thought makes him feel sick, that he’s the very reason they’re all like this. That he’s the very reason Akechi hasn’t been able to live his life at all. His stomach twists and he feels like he may very well puke. He squeezes his eyes tight and tries to wipe his mind and make it blank. He tries to steel his resolve. Akechi did tell him only his choices matter. Is it because he is the cause of this loop? 

He pulls at his hair and falls back on his bed.

"I don’t know what to do.”

 _He doesn’t know how to get out of this_. 

"None of us do,” Akechi sighs wearily. 

He swallows and thinks about those dreams, “You said we never got out of loop?”

Akechi stares at him for a long while before responding, “You keep asking me that. Why?”

“Because you said my dreams are possibly past loops,” Akira tries to regain his focus and pull himself out of the dreams but it’s so hard. “But I keep having dreams of us, older, talking about moving on with our lives. Us moving away some place in the middle of nowhere. You are still not getting along with Futaba no matter what. Everything feels so _real_ and yet…”

Akechi doesn’t respond. He pushes his hair out of his face and just stares at anywhere but at Akira. Does it make him just as uncomfortable to realize that Akira is dreaming about them being perpetually unhappy? Of him being miserable and unable to make them both work? That despite everything, despite loving him with his whole existence, they may just not be meant to be together no matter how much in the past Akechi had tried to run away from him and be his own person?

It really hits home how terrible he is. For both himself and Akechi. No matter how much he loves him, is he doing him more harm than good? 

If he knew that Akira was the one that cause the loop, regardless of how or why, would he hate him? Cut him out forever? Wish they had never met? No matter what he had said so many times in the boiler room, that he wished they had met sooner. If he knew all the ways Akira has wronged him, would he wish that he had never met him? Would he have—

“You’re thinking too much, Akira,” Akechi’s hand is running through Akira’s messy hair. His eyes, though tired and irritated, hold a deep concern in them. “Stop it. Whatever self-destructing thoughts you have speeding through your head, press the brakes.”

“Would you hate me, if I was the cause of all of this?” Akira murmurs. “If I trapped you in this eternal damnation?”

"Akira," Akechi runs a thumb over his cheek. "Breathe."

He blinks, the gesture soothing, “Would you?”

“I have never had the capacity to hate you. I said this before,” Akechi answers slowly. “No matter how much you think you’ve wronged me. Would I have the right to? After everything I’ve done? If anything, it would be deserved. For a while, I thought this was some higher power’s messed up way of trying to make me atone for everything I’ve ever done. It’s why I went back to undo everything I did only to find out that no matter what I did, somehow they’d still end up dead. As if they were destined to die even if not by my hand.” He shakes his head, “Think about it. Futaba never would have met you had her mother not died and she hadn’t become a shut in. So many things would have changed if Wakaba Isshiki never died. All that research… all those people that would have… Shido would have likely acted differently… _so_ many things would be different.” He sighs, “No matter what, I’m still his scapegoat even if I don’t do shit. Somehow, he can still manage to get me involved in this shit. If anything, it’s Shido who has me trapped in some eternal hell, not you. Besides, you yourself are here too. Decided to let us in on your self destructive habits, have you?” 

Despite the light jab, the hint of a joke, the concern laced underneath it is enough to make Akira wonder just how far he’s fallen. That maybe he does think that Akira’s self-destructive habits might have led to this. Is it too much for him to ask to just be normal? 

Akira breathes, the response relieving even if he can’t separate himself from the guilt with no apparent source. Subconsciously, he truly does think he’s fucked up everything somehow. That voice said it themselves, he suppressed so much of his memories it’s no wonder they’re going in this never ending loop. If he remembers, will that end everything?

“How much do you really remember Goro?”

“I—” his eyes widen, “I told you what I remember.”

“You hid that journal from me the moment you—”

“I lied to you,” Akechi says suddenly. Akira isn’t surprised. He’s certain there are many things he has lied to him about. “Is that what you want me to say? Well, that journal isn’t mine.”

Akira blinks. He had expected the confession to be regarding his memories, not the fact that the journal originally belonged to him.

Akechi scratches the back of his head, “It was the first one Sojiro gave you when you first moved in. You always had it, because Sojiro always gave it to you whenever you moved in. Sometimes, when we were talking about things, I would write in it. Or when I was writing in my own notebook to keep my head on, I guess it would transfer over… I don’t know how it works. Whoever is controlling all this probably thought it better to have these things transferred over. It’s been like that since the start.”

“Wait, wait, wait, then why didn’t I recognize it?” Akira sits up.

Akechi shrugs, “I guess you suppressed that knowledge too. The familiarity of it, the deja vu, the fact that you could never see any of the words unless I told you they were there… That's why I hid it from you at the beginning — when you first forgot.” Akira winces at that, _when he first forgot._ How long ago was that? How far removed is Akechi from that situation? What did he feel when he realized that he was in this all alone? The way his stomach lurches, his heart sinks, tells him that maybe he should stop thinking about it for right now. 

“I was afraid you would start writing over what you already wrote. Erasing the history of what we had done. But you never started at the beginning. Do you realize that? That you never start at the beginning of the diary Sojiro gives you when you start your probation?” 

God, he feels so sick. The urge to throw up is real. All these little things that he never realized. All these things he never thought were strange, Akechi picked up on immediately. He calls himself observant but right now, he just feels like he’s missed all the obvious cues that something is wrong from the very start. How far would they be if Akira just allowed himself to look inward instead of drink his own fear like an alcoholic who tried and failed to stay sober? Why is Akira so possessed by his own fear, his own desire to avoid what he might have done, that he would ignore all the obvious signs around him that would indicate that he needs to change _something_? The resets that he hears… he listens to them like they’re his lullaby and his call for death all at the same time. Such a deep fear that each one strikes in his heart, the loud ticking of an old grandfather clock, telling him that he has time and yet running out of it all at the same time. 

Akechi continues, lost in his own thoughts, missing the way Akira’s eyes slowly become lost in another world, glazed over. A world of fear, happiness and sorrow all packaged into one pretty little box for him to gaze at, mesmerized by the way it sums up his existence. One not of rebellion like he had been led to believe, like the Phantom Thieves had touted with such pride, but of submission, cowardice, and the inability to accept the truth that he needed to know. 

He was so far from what his friends thought of him to be. So far from what people expected and wished for him to be. If he is the pillar that everyone wanted to lean on, he was crumbling by the second, falling to pieces until soon they’d have nothing but dust at their feet. 

Yes, he has many masks, but if he took them all off, well…

Let’s just say everyone would be disappointed, horrified by the ugliness beneath it all. 

Akechi’s voice comes back into focus, but he still doesn’t think he’s absorbing any of the words he’s saying. “Subconsciously, I think you knew. You would start the page after the last entry even if you couldn’t see the words. I asked you once why you did that. You didn’t have an answer.” He sighs, “So I put it somewhere else in your room at the end of one of the loops. Hid it somewhere I knew neither you nor Sojiro would look. And instead, Sojiro gave you a whole new one, empty and yet the pages were still filling out in that one journal.”

Akira wets his lips, but his tongue is just as dry as they are, “...Wait, you’re saying that everything I write in the one on the table over there, fills in the journal you currently have?” Akechi nods, “Then why did it stop counting loops when you and I weren’t working together? I had to have written in it.”

“It stops recording things when you don’t remember anything,” Akechi replies easily. “I guess, in that sense, even the journal acknowledges that your choices when we work together are the only ones that can change the game.”

Akira holds his head in his hands, “I’m so confused.” Yet, Akechi says this all so casually.

“...There was a time,” he takes a deep breath and grimaces as if this memory is painful for him. “There was a time when you were seeing a therapist…” Akira swallows as the memories of that dream come back.

_“You go off somewhere and I feel like it takes forever to get you grounded. Are you still seeing that therapist?”_

_“Therapist?”_

“They told you to write things down. I wonder if that played a role in this… The importance of keeping track of things for the sake of your own mental state, however that works.”

_No, no, no._

_Therapist? Was that real? Was it real?_

"I'm just speculating though… why are you looking at me like that?" Akechi raises an eyebrow. Akira can’t even put into words what he feels right now. If Akechi didn’t know him so well, he thinks it might have slid right on past him, his staring, his silence, but according to Akechi he wears his emotions on his face now. “Maybe it’s best if we leave this alone for now.” Akechi leans back against the wall once more suddenly looking more exhausted, if that was even possible. 

“I just have a lot going through my head,” Akira says. His lips are moving, but quite frankly he isn’t even sure if it’s him speaking anymore. “In one of my dreams, we had talked about a therapist.” Akira begins absently. Staring off, remembering it the same way he dreamed it. His lips and body acting as if a puppet controlled by someone else. “I hadn’t told you the name of the therapist, but you asked me if I was seeing them anymore. I kept insisting I was fine, but I know I was far from that… you also asked me if I was writing in my journal anymore like they asked me too.”

Akechi poignantly refuses eye contact. Was this a past conversation they had actually had? 

“Did… did we have that conversation before?”

“Maybe, I honestly couldn’t tell you,” Akechi shrugs, his expression now schooled, scarily blank and Akira can’t tell if he’s being honest or if he’s lying again. He was always very good at that, better at it than Akira was anyway. “Things blend together. There was a counselor that went to your school once. Hm…” he hums to himself. “I don’t remember what attempt that was nor their name. I didn’t go to your school obviously so I don’t know if you actually went to them or not. I think Ann did? But she wouldn’t remember anyway so there’s no point in asking her. It’s possible that you were seeing a therapist in the past, but since I don’t know the name of the school counselor, you know, it’s possible we did have that conversation.”

The problem was that they were both much older. Away from society, in a new house and they were very much engaged. 

_Engaged._

Something about that realization just hitting him makes him uncomfortable. They were engaged in that dream. They had rings, thinking about a wedding that they hadn’t had time to plan yet…

Why had he just realized that? 

If they never escaped the loop there was no way that was real. So then why is he dreaming about that so much? Of a miserable future? Why?

Of everything he wants turned upside down on its head. His friends and Akechi get along, but Futaba still strikes him where it hurts the worst. His friends being happy, but at his expense of not being able to be with his boyfriend. Them both moving away from the site of their trauma, but he’s still stuck in a depressive dump despite the fact that they were engaged and together. 

Is it a reflection of how messed up he is right now? A reflection of how he’s ruined everything with the loops that he’s permanently ruined his own happy ending? That no matter what, he can’t redeem himself?

“If you are irredeemable, I don’t know what that means for myself,” Akechi begins with an irritated huff to mask his concern. _Oh_ , he was talking aloud just now. “I don’t know what you’re rambling about or thinking about or anything right now, but… I just don’t like seeing you… well, anyway. How are your friends doing?”

Akira wishes so badly that he would finish his sentences. He wishes so badly that Akechi wasn’t so hesitant to show his affection to Akira. They dated in the past? Was Akira always the one to initiate things? 

That’s always a thing with Akechi. For someone that is so adamant on being the one to control things, he’s always willing to let Akira control things in their relationship. Whether they end up together or not in all the loops depends on Akira. Before the loops even started, he’s positive he was the one to ask Akechi. What is it that drives him to this hesitancy?

"Akira?" Akechi says, impossibly soft. "Focus on me." 

"Goro, I," Akira swallows thickly. "God, I don't know what to do. I don't want to fail you again. I don't… I just…"

"Akira, deep breaths," Akechi reminds him. "Focus on my breathing." 

Akira does so. Focuses on the fact that Akechi, the love of his life, is alive right in front of him, concerned about him, loving him in his own ways. Explicit "I love you's" are not Akechi's thing, but he shows it in the way he reserves a soft, gentle tone for him. Shows it in the way he knows the best ways to bring Akira from losing it completely, soft touches where normally Akira would relish it but nowadays it typically throws him into some vision. 

Yet, this time, he's grounded, reminded of what's right in front of him, telling him to breathe. He throws himself into Akechi and they collapse to the ground resulting in a startled gasp to escape Akechi's lips and Akira embraces him. A tight, desperate hug because it's been too long since he's been unapologetically affectionate with Akechi. Akechi hesitantly wraps his arms around him.

"Akira..." he whispers. "What's going on? You need to talk to me."

_This is a never ending cycle. He thought they were close, thought things were almost over. But…_

_But…!_

_His vision is tunneling, tears causing his vision to blur. His hands frantically moving over the gaping wound in Goro’s chest. A bullet wound. It shouldn’t have happened. This shouldn’t have happened._

_Why?_

_Why?!_

_Goro smiles up at him despite it all, gently, he pulls Akira in for a soft, final kiss._

_“I’ll... see you again soon...” Goro whispers as the light fades from his eyes. “Remember me, okay?”_

_God, he prays that he does. He doesn’t even know who he’s praying to at this point, but someone, whoever is doing this, let him_ **_remember_.**

_He’s begging for another chance. Begging to just remember so they can get it right. So Goro doesn’t have to take hits, not meant for him to protect them. To keep them alive._

_To keep the fucking loop running._

_Goro stops breathing._

_Akira is in Leblanc again, shooting up in his bed and desperately reaching for his phone._

_Silence._

_No one…_

_No one is texting._

_But he remembers._

**_Reset._ **

“Akira!” Akechi snaps. “What the hell is going on? Answer me!”

Akira is on the floor, looking up into Akechi’s concerned and angered eyes. He blinks in confusion trying to orient himself and looks around.

“Hello? Are you going to answer me?” Akechi asks again. “God, what the fuck is happening to you? Are you even here anymore?”

“I don’t know,” Akira mutters, but his throat is dry and it feels as if he hasn’t spoken in years. 

“What the hell? You sound terrible,” Akechi stares at him in confusion. 

“Thanks,” Akira croaks and glances at his wrists. Goro’s grip is so _tight_ , but he can see his hands trembling. What is it? Fear? Sorrow? “Can you…?”

Akechi glares at him, “If you’ll stop lashing out and hysterically crying, maybe.”

_What?_

He didn’t even notice the tears still streaming down his face, the dampness on his cheeks, the way Akechi is pinning him down not because he wants to, but to keep Akira from hurting either himself, Akechi, or both of them. 

He’s in Leblanc… right? 

This is loop… seven? No, fifteen? 

Right?

His head is a mess, he doesn’t even know where he is anymore. Those visions are so real. So confusing. So painful. As if to remind him of the consequences of failure. As if to remind him of how Akechi can die. As if to remind him how easily they can lose. How easily they can forget. How easily Akechi will throw his life away. The sacrifices he will make for Akira, but Akira can’t make for him. 

“I love you,” Akira mutters. Akechi’s eyes widen briefly before he scrunches his nose.

“How many times will you tell me how much you love me to get out of ever talking about your issues?”

“You don’t talk about your own.”

“I don’t enjoy having to talk about my own trauma twenty thousand times before you remember it,” Akechi spits out with a sneer. Regardless, he releases Akira. Akira doesn’t move, he continues to stare at the ceiling lost. “Are you still hearing it?”

“Reset?” Akira asks, staring blankly. “Yeah.” It’s incessant. Mind breaking. 

“Me too,” he pauses and looks off into the distance. “Futaba texted me this morning.” Akira’s eyes darted to him, widening in surprise. Not only at the fact that Futaba texted him of all people, but the conversation shift was so far from everything else they’ve talked about in the past few hours. “She apologized for yesterday, but commented that she has no recollection of saying any of those things to me. Said it wasn’t like her if she did.”

 _That was yesterday?_ God, it feels like that was weeks ago.

“She doesn’t remember, huh,” Akira mutters knowing he needs to say something. “How does that work? Someone else talking through her?”

“I don’t know,” Akechi confesses. “I don’t claim to know how any of this works or who’s playing games with us.”

“You have any suspicions?” Akira asks, wondering if it’s the voice that he heard in his dreams. “Are we stuck in some limbo because in reality we lost to Shido and he’s got us stuck in the world to keep us out of his plans?” he releases a bitter laugh, “I’d be really depressed if that was the truth.” Like he isn’t already depressed.

Akechi sneers, “God, don’t even put that thought in my head.”

They sit in a rare silence since they both woke up. As silent as it can be with the constant reset chanting. While yesterday, it would occasionally shout at him, today? Today it was like that was all he was going to hear. Today it feels like he’s going to go deaf. Resigned to the fact that whatever is shouting this at him, whether it be his own head or some other being, Akira just doesn’t know what to do anymore. Thinking is hard. Talking is hard. 

“I’ve suppressed a lot, haven’t I?” Akira mumbles more to himself than Akechi, but he looks and hums in agreement. 

“When you have those dreams, do you feel anything?”

“I mostly just feel depressed,” Akira mutters. “But what’s new? I’ve been feeling that way since getting dragged into detain—” He stops himself, realizes what he’s referencing and glances at Akechi. His face is dark, a deep frown in his expression. 

“I’m—”

“You apologized enough for that.”

“Doesn’t make it right.”

“And yet, I’m probably the reason we're in this current situation. Call it even.”

“I don’t think that’s how it works,” Akechi sighs, but he looks pensive. “But have you talked to anyone?”

“One thing that is consistent between my “dream you” and “present you”, is that you constantly ask me if I’m getting therapy,” Akira scrunches up his nose. “ _No_ , I’m trying to fix things. I’ll get help later.”

Akechi laughs, but it’s pained and near crazed, “That’s such an old line with you Akira. It’s always ‘I’ll get it later’ until it turns into never.”

“When am I supposed to even think about that when I’ve been stuck in this loop for all this time?” Akira hisses. “Your accusations aren’t fair, Goro. I haven’t had time. At the moment, therapy would be a luxury.”

“One you wouldn’t even accept if you had the chance,” he sneers. “Loving you is so painful sometimes, Akira.” Akira feels his breath catch, his eyes widen. _What the actual fuck?_ “It’s like you never want help, but I can tell you _need_ it. In every sense of the word. Not just the loop, but for everything you’ve always had this, ‘I can do it myself attitude’ and then it bites you in the ass.”

“You’re one to talk,” Akira’s heart is pounding in his chest. He feels sick once more. “I’m the one that’s hard to love?! Goro, you tried to kill me, trying to rationalize loving you was one of the hardest things I managed to do." Akechi shoots him a seething glare. "The mental gymnastics I had to take to say I wasn’t crazy for falling in love with you despite the fact that, at the beginning, you had every intention of killing me would make me go insane regardless. Might as well just call me a masochist!” He laughs bitterly because he honestly doesn't think it's too far from the truth at this point. Goro grits his teeth. “You say loving _me_ is painful. You don’t get to do that. You don’t get to suddenly push this all on me when you just went through the trouble of trying to convince me you didn’t hate me. I can never tell when you’re honest with me anymore.”

“This isn’t you,” Goro says forcefully, but not because it was hard to say, but because he was trying very hard to not say something that Akira _knows_ will break him, both of them. “You don’t know what you’re saying.” 

Maybe he doesn't. Maybe it is the loop catching up with him. Maybe it is all those vision putting emotions into his body that he doesn't want to _feel_. They're too familiar, too painful. The amount of love and loss wrecks him in ways he doesn't think he should feel. He's only seventeen. _God_ , he's a kid why the hell is this is his life,?

Akira laughs but it holds no mirth and he just feels like ripping his hair out, “I don’t know what I’m saying? One minute you want me to tell you what my issue is, the next you’re telling me I’m hard to love. The next you’re telling me that I’m crazy and I can’t—”

“I never called you crazy—”

“You might as well have!” Akira snaps. His head is throbbing and he truly doesn’t feel in control anymore. He doesn’t really know what is coming out of his mouth anymore. All he does know is that being told that loving him is painful hurts a lot worse than anything else Akechi had said. After all the things he had gone through to be with him? Loving him unconditionally no matter what fucked up shit he did, sacrificing his friends for him, his life for _him_ and he’s the one who makes things difficult? He’s the one that is impossible to love? 

All this time Akira was trying to convince Akechi that he was worthy of being loved and maybe Akira should have spent that time putting on his own bandaids. 

“I shouldn’t have said that,” Akechi whispers after a moment. “I apologize.”

“I’m sure,” Akira shakes his head. “I’m going to make curry. I’m hungry.”

“Akira, wait,” Akechi pleads. “I’m sorry, truly. I… I shouldn’t have said that. It was wrong of me.”

“Doesn’t mean you didn’t mean it,” Akira gets up and rushes downstairs before Akechi can try to say anything else that they both will regret. 

Akira knows that in reality, Akechi was right in a lot of aspects. They’re both impossibly hard to love for multiple reasons. It’s moments like this where he truly thinks they aren’t meant to be together no matter how much they fight for it. Because, in the end, they just tear each other’s head off before they try to patch things up with apologies that are the equivalent of cheap convenient store bandaids that claim they’re waterproof, but still end up falling up the moment a drop lands on it. 

He’s certain people would call their relationship _toxic_. And he hates to think that he can actually use that word to describe the two of them, but it’s bordering on true.

Loving each other is painful. No matter the sacrifices they make for each other, would they ever truly be happy? Or is that just his loop brain talking? The brain that has seen them miserable no matter what Akira tried to do. The brain that keeps telling him that he needs to reset, that they’re going down the wrong path, that they’re heading towards a point of no return.

The brain that, deep down, he knows holds more answers than Akira is willing to look into. 

Loving Akechi is painful, because he truly thinks that maybe this loop started because something happened to Akechi.

And Akira couldn’t handle it.

_“You’re catching on.”_

He hates that maybe he is starting to piece together the terrible truth that is his destiny, his legacy, his everything. The cause of his and his friends’ own torment. 

If he sat down right now, tried to look inward and force himself to _stay_ instead of flee the moment things start to go in the direction Akira hates, would he find the answers right now? Or is forcing himself to remember everything taking him down the path of self-destruction? The true point of no return.

That grief he felt last night though… when the twins were talking to him, when that man was talking to him, it was so real. Deep in his heart, his body, he had never felt so weak. No amount of hits he has taken during any palace invasion, during his detainment, could equate to the agonizing pain he felt last night.

Because it wasn’t just a physical pain, but an emotional pain as well. One that crippled him in every sense of the word. Akira felt nothing and everything at the same time. 

_“There are many ways to grieve Akira,” Ann says softly. “I can’t say this is the healthiest way.”_

_“Why is there a correct way to grieve? I just need... space. Time,” Akira pleads, his voice sounds wrecked. He’s cried for hours, for days, for weeks. He was helpless. Why couldn’t he ever do anything right? Why did this have to happen? Why? Things were going so well. They were so close too…_

_“It’s hard for all of us Akira,” Makoto speaks up. “We can’t imagine how you must feel. Honestly, losing your fiance so close to the wedding is devastating and we want to give you the space to grieve.”_

_“But, dude, it’s been a whole year,” Ryuji huffs and sounds frustrated at his own voice. “We miss you dude. You’re hardly recognizable and honestly…”_

_“Let’s help clean up shall we?” Haru says softly. A knowing look in her eyes that says they’re taking this too far. That saying anymore about what he looks like will just make things worse. “Is there any room you don’t want us to touch, Akira?”_

_“The conservatory,” Akira mumbles. “It was his favorite.”_

_The piano was still there. Where Akechi used to play while his body was wasting away. A silent battle against something that shouldn’t have happened. Things shouldn’t have gone like this._

_But after that night of finding out Shido had been released and he was still up to no good despite his treasure being stolen…_

_Akechi hadn’t been the same. Especially not after the attack. His body wasn’t healing. In fact, it was doing quite the opposite. No matter what they did, nothing worked. He gave in, he stopped fighting._

_The absolute horror in his eyes when he realized that, in the end, Shido still won, that_ bastard _. That no matter what, Akechi couldn’t get away._

_“I would also recommend seeing someone,” Ann says suddenly. “A therapist? Akechi—” She swears under her breath when his name slips between her lips, but Akira doesn’t react to it. Ann, sighs, mumbling an apology and continues on, “He told us you were seeing someone for a while. He never knew who and quite frankly, you moved out so far, I imagine they were still someone in Tokyo right? I think it may be best for you to move out for a bit.” Akira’s eyes widen and she quickly continues speaking, “Not like officially or anything! I mean it’s kind of lonely out here and your self isolating is going to the extreme at this point. We came here because we care, but honestly, none of us really want to leave you right now. Why don’t you come back with one of us. Sojiro would be happy to see you again, you know?”_

“I guess you’re ignoring me then, huh?” Akechi murmurs startling Akira. He didn’t realize he had made it down the stairs. 

“Sorry, I…” _was having a really visceral dream that you died and I was a mess because I missed you and my heart ached, and my head hurt from crying so much but I ran out of tears after the first month of you being gone—_

That was too much to tell him. He could go on and on about how he felt. 

“I didn’t mean to… I’m sorry, Akira,” Akechi tries again. “I hurt you, that’s on me. I’m sorry. If you want me to go, I will. Just say the word.” Akechi reaches out as if to touch his face and draws back, faltering, “I’m sorry I made you cry…”

He didn’t even realize he was crying, but focusing on it now, the tears streaming down his face aren’t from what Akechi said. But from what he saw. How he felt then. He hates when those emotions transfer to reality. As if looking upon the most painful memories constantly to torment himself, to prove to himself that he is real, he can emote, he does love and hate, he isn’t a robot. 

The words you say do hurt him even if he pretends like they roll off his back. 

The tug and pull of this relationship was ever hard. Because the moment he was starting to get mad at Akechi is the moment he’s sent into a vision that reminds him how deeply and terribly he’s in love with him.

A love that feels like has spanned a lot longer than their one year of knowing each other in high school. A love that feels like it has spanned a lot longer than the loops could ever encompass. 

“Did we really not make it out of the loop?” Akira asks again.

Akechi frowns, but it’s full of concern, “We didn’t. Or we wouldn’t be here.”

“Can it stop and restart?” Akira asks, still looking off into space, having forgotten about his food. 

“I don’t know,” Akechi confesses softly. “I truly don’t know. The details of how the loop truly functions I’m not privy to.”

“Who would be?” Akira wipes his eyes.

Akechi shrugs, “You probably. I think, deep down, you can remember how this all started.” He rubs his forehead, “I don’t… I don’t think I am ever at the source of what caused the loop.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“I mean, like,” he moves his jaw around as he thinks, trying to formulate the right words. “I mean... how do I say this? I don’t know, Akira, when the loop first started, a long, long time ago, there was a gap in my memories. From how we got where we were. You… I’m almost certain in the very first loop you were _aware_. Of everything. But I was focused solely on getting out, I didn’t ask. And then you forgot and… and well that was it.”

“What was it like?” Akira stares at Akechi trying to see if he can feel any tug from his explanations. For some reason, he’s fishing for ways to see visions. He kind of wished Akechi touched him, that usually did the trick. That usually made him immediately see things he didn’t necessarily want to see but had to see.

Was he just trying to torture himself now? To feel anything but the hurt that the current Akechi made him feel? A self torment to maybe atone for what he’s doing to everyone else? Even if they have no recollection of reliving the same like three hundred times over, he owes it to all of them to at least do something. _Anything_. 

“What was what like?” Akechi raises an eyebrow. “Akira, you’re acting strange. Where have you gone?”

_Where has he gone?_

“When you first entered the loop? What did it feel like for you?” Akira clarifies.

Akechi clears his throat trying to contain the surprise at that question. As if he’s never considered it before, “Well, just like any other time we’ve restarted the loop. As if I died and came back to life. A gasp of fresh air, a convulsion of pain from whatever the hell killed me, or a killer migraine if it was… well, anyway, like I said. Like I’m coming back from the dead.”

 _Probably because you did die_ , Akira thinks. That’s always what it is. Akechi dying for one reason or another. And most recently it’s because of Akira’s failures. 

“You’ve got that far away look in your eye.”

“One I’ve seen you have a lot too, Goro,” Akira supplies monotonously. “Maybe I adapted it from you.”

Akechi shakes his head, “I sure hope not. That’s… that’s not just a far away look.”

“It’s a wish that you didn’t have to wake up again?” Akira supplies for him, and Akechi blanches. “That you could actually just die when you try to reset things?” Maybe his efforts really are futile if he’s trying to save a man who truly just wishes he could be dead. “Do you even want to live anymore, Goro?” He hates this question. His body is locking up and he feels dizzy again thinking about the possible answers Akechi can give him. The worst one obviously being _no_ and begging Akira to let him die. 

“ _For once in your goddamn life, stop being so selfish!” Goro yells at him. “Maybe I don’t want this. Maybe I never wanted this! You keep thinking you know what’s best for us, for_ me _, and then you blame me for everything you’ve ever had to give up. Use everything you’ve,” he makes an air quote gesture, “'sacrificed for me' against me every time we get into a disagreement.” He goes on, mocking Akira, “‘Oh, I’ve given up my whole life to make you happy and this is how you treat me?!’ or “Oh! I gave up my career, my friends, for you, Goro! Why the hell can’t you just do this one thing for me?!’” Akira falls back in his seat, mouth agape, eyes wide, but he tries so hard to fight back the tears threatening to breakthrough. He will not break. He will not let this get to him._

_“Oh, let me tell you why Akira! I never asked for this! I didn’t ask for you to sacrifice everything for me. You could have just let me go! I wouldn’t have hated you for it, you were doing what was best for you and that’s fine. But this?” he gestures towards the whole room, the shattered glass, the broken table, the cracked picture frames, “This isn’t doing the best for either of us! Either you get help, or I’m leaving, Akira. That’s final. That’s my ultimatum.” He's heard this same argument before._

_Akira wants to say "_ you're still here. You've said this before _," but he knows that will only make Goro even angrier._

_Goro sighs and runs a hand over his face, his nails scratching him hard enough that Akira can see the red trails even if his nails are dull. Akira wants to pull his hand away, tell him not to do that. Not to ruin his perfect face, but he’s glued to his chair, heartbroken._

_He wants to say “You don’t understand.” He wants to say, “This truly is the best for us.”_

_There are so many things he wants to say._

_What he ends up saying is not one of them, “Then leave.”_

_Goro looks shocked, as if he hadn’t expected Akira to actually say it. As if he hadn’t expected Akira to really give up going to therapy and would throw away their whole relationship after the argument they just had. The glass in Goro’s hand shatters from the sheer amount of force in his grip and neither of them react to it. They just stare at each other. In horror._

_This is what they have become._

_Can’t he have another shot at this? They can work this out, he knows they can._

_He knows that this can work, he knows that they’re meant to be._

_He doesn’t actually know why he said what he said. He doesn’t truly know what made his mouth tell the love of his life to leave when that was the absolute last thing he could ever possibly want._

_But maybe deep down he has acknowledged that they can’t work. Not right now. Maybe not ever. Goro isn’t wrong. He’s a mess. He probably has some undiagnosed condition that is making this all worse. He should probably be on some sort of medication, antidepressants or something because he has fallen so far down a hole there’s no light to see. He knows that the tears pouring out of his eyes will never stop, a continuous waterfall of emotions, feelings of betrayal at himself and at Goro._

_“Fine,” Goro says after too long realizing that he needs to do something. “Fine, I’ll leave. But Akira,” Goro looks at his hand, the shattered glass mixed with blood. “Please, get some help. You are not doing yourselves any favors and no matter what, I love you. I truly do. But for both of our sakes… I do think you probably made the right call.”_

_It's always been like this. Akira always made the final call. It's like no matter what, Goro still just follows his lead. A passive stance he's subconsciously taken since the loop. Since coming to the understanding that no matter what, Akira would be the only one who could change a thing. The only one who could actually stop it. The only thing that mattered about Goro was his death, and that was only because it could reset things._

_For Akira, Goro's death was always the catalyst. The catalyst for the loop restarting, the catalyst for his downfall, the catalyst for so many of Akira's choices no matter how fucked up they might have been._

_“That’s not what I want,” Akira manages between tears that he’s drowning in. The dam broke, he failed on stopping from showing how truly broken he is right now. This isn't him, Goro had said before. That he's a shell of the man he used to be, but he can find where the real Akira might have fled to. Akira simply told him that if he manages to find Akira again, to let him know. He doesn't know either, who he is anymore. He doesn't think he ever did know. “That’s not… that’s not what I want. I need you here. I need you. I love you, please don’t leave.”_

_“I can’t—”_

_“I’ll get therapy.”_

_“You just told me you wanted me to leave.”_

_“I’ll get therapy, I swear.”_

_“Akira—”_

_“Please, don’t go.”_

_And yet, Goro doesn’t leave. He stays and Akira manages to dig up the old contact information from before. He hates this. Hates what he’s become but he truly is a mess, he knows that. He wonders if Goro truly would have left, or if he would have let things blow over in the morning, after they’ve cleaned everything up and laugh at some stupid cartoon in the newspaper, listen to Goro play the piano, listen to Goro talk about his latest case. Listen to Goro be content with his life. Stare at Goro’s finger and see that band of gold and countdown the days until they’re married for real._

_“There’s something impossible about you,” Goro says to him in bed one night staring down at him, at his sweaty form with a dopey smile on his face. They aren’t quite done, he can tell from the slight mischievous smirk on Goro’s face, but he decides he’ll let Goro finish talking before pulling him down for another hungry kiss. “Something that keeps bringing me back to you no matter how much I might want to leave.”_

_“Your pillow talk is amazing, babe,” Akira rolls his eyes fondly and cradles his face running a finger along his jaw, more mature from their youth, strong. He presses a kiss to it, and lingers for a while before looking at him again. A soft smile takes over and he just feels so inexplicably warm right now. So full of love. Overwhelmed with how beautiful this man before him is. His hair falling over his shoulder, his bright red eyes that are staring at him with unsaid emotions, but Akira can feel them._

_That's enough for him. He's realize in his years of dating him that Goro will always have issues saying words of affection outloud, but he knows when to say them. He knows when they count. He knows how to show them, his feelings, and Akira has long since stopped longing for him to say the next "I love you" because he knows it._

_Or else they wouldn't be here right now after everything they've been through._

_“I mean it,” Goro speaks tenderly, handling the topic with care and he wonders if this is going to make him_ not _want to continue their previous activities. “It’s like I can never get enough of you. No matter how mad you drive me, I never want to leave you. Something so alluring about you Akira, that no matter what, I’m irrevocably tied to you and your existence.”_

_“I would like to think that means we’re soulmates," Akira stares into his eyes, a warm fire that brings him intense comfort knowing that there's life in them. “Fated to be together no matter what is thrown at us.”_

_“I love seeing you when you’re yourself,” Goro presses a kiss to Akira’s forehead. “Sometimes I wonder if the loop took a part of you away from me. Other times I just can’t help but be overwhelmed with love by everything that is_ Akira _.”_

_“'Everything that is Akira,' huh?” Akira hums. “Even when I scream at you? Even when I claim I know what’s best? Even when I—”_

_“Everything,” Goro whispers it like a promise, seals it with another kiss. “It is helping though. I can tell.”_

_It's been almost four months since that argument, since he told himself that he would get therapy because he knows he needs it. He needs some kind of help at least and Goro was right. He needed to learn to accept help. Needed to learn that he couldn't change and fix everything on his own._

_And that keeping all those pent up emotions from his detainment..._

_“Is it that noticeable?” Akira asks impatiently, because he truly just wants to go back to feeling_ good _. Being trapped in the overwhelming feeling of being loved by Akechi Goro._

_“Yes,” Goro picks up the hint and kisses him on the neck. “You smile so brightly Akira. I love it when you smile and mean it. When it reaches your eyes and I feel like I’m staring directly at the sun.”_

_Funny how poetic Goro could be when he had Akira pinned underneath him staring up at him, hopelessly in love. How impossibly soft it made Goro. Still just as beautiful as ever._ Oh _, when they made things work, they just fit together so perfectly._

_“Funny,” Akira manages between the kisses and a building desire. “I distinctly..." a gasp, "...remember trying to be in the shadows when we first met and you were the sun...”_

_“Back then, I don’t think you were truly happy either,” Goro presses a heavy kiss against Akira’s jaw before peppering his chest with more and continuing to move further down. He just barely hears Goro say, “We can talk about that later,” before biting his lip and throwing his head back._

_"I love you."_

Akira blinks and he sees Akechi sitting across from him at a booth. He feels hot, because the implication of the last part of that _vision,_ or whatever, was…

“Are you back?” Akechi asks, but he’s wincing and the "resets" have suddenly overtaken his hearing. He doesn’t miss this. “Or am I still talking to a wall?”

“You might be talking to a wall,” Akira responds slowly trying to pull his focus back. “Hi.”

“Are you okay?” he queries. “You look a little uncomfortable.”

 _Ah_ , he doesn’t want to explain why, “I just… I wonder sometimes if I’m losing a part of myself to this loop. More than just my mind.” 

“Aren’t we all?” Akechi shrugs. “Collectively we all are losing our minds. I lost mine a while ago. But I don’t think it’s too farfetched to see a lot of us is being lost in this loop. Any innocence especially. I never had mine, but your friends? You? Yeah, definitely.”

“You had your innocence.”

“Akira, I grew up with a woman who I couldn’t tell if she truly loved me or not. She went hot and then cold on me in a matter of minutes before killing herself. I couldn’t tell you when I had my innocence. I spent so many of my years trying to defend my mother, but honestly it was because that was all I had to grapple onto. A woman who would burn me and then apologize profusely for hurting me. Curse me one minute, and then tell me how much she loved me the next.”

 _And maybe that’s why you’re attracted to me,_ Akira thinks remembering that volatile conversation they had at the beginning of the vision. 

_“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results,” Akechi had once told him._

Yes, he thinks he is probably insane. If he is the reason they’re in this loop? Doing the same thing over and over again? Yes, he is more than insane.

And Akechi? 

Well, he already said he was insane. He keeps coming back to Akira and expecting him to be better than before. Expecting to not rip each other to shreds every time they meet again.

“ _Ugh,_ ” Akechi groans. “My head hurts so bad.”

“Is it the resets?” Akira asks.

“Do you not hear them anymore?” Akechi asks looking slightly envious.

Akira shakes his head quickly, “I do. They’re loud.”

“Is that why you’re shouting?” Akechi groans. _He didn’t even realize he was shouting_. Akira only nods, not really knowing what else to say. 

“I’m… _ugh_ ,” he’s never seen Akechi look this miserable. “I’m going to the bathroom.”

Akira lets him go. Doesn’t ask any questions. There was nothing suspicious about that request. Akira had kept him up here for long enough talking about nothing.

He closes his eyes and leans his head back against the booth, but he feels strange. 

_Another vision already?_

For a split second, he thinks he’s _dead_.

_“Finally,” a voice murmurs. “Maybe this time, you will be free.”_

He shoots up in bed, gasping for breath, he’s sweating. It’s night out? H He looks at the clock on his phone. 

_12:01 AM._

How in the world did he get in his bed? He was just sitting at the booth and leaned his head back for a second. Did he sleep through the day and Akechi brought him up here or? He hears rustling, expecting it to be Akechi waking up only to see a very startled Morgana beside him. Akechi is nowhere to be seen. His phone is blowing up. 

_Ryuji_ : _What the hell just happened?_

_Ann: One second we’re talking about getting breakfast…_

_Makoto: The next we’re in bed._

_Futaba: I was just talking to Morgana. He’s not here though!_

_Akira: He’s with me._

Akira goes cold.

 _No, no, no_. Morgana places a paw on his arm in an attempt at grounding him, but he can tell even Morgana is shaken right now.

_Yusuke: I'm back in my old bedroom..._

_Yusuke: Wait… if I've returned to this bedroom does that mean…_

_Haru: Oh no..._

Akira nearly breaks down completely at the next texts.

_Akechi: Pancakes._

_Akechi: Wasn’t that your codeword?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They love each other so much, but sometimes they are the absolute worst for each other. Thanks for sticking around for this chapter. Added a tag because of this one. 
> 
> Comments and kudos are appreciated! I hope you enjoy it!


	12. Chapter 12

_Akira: Goro, what the hell?_

_Akira: Answer me._

_Akira: Goro, you told me you were going to the bathroom, and then you…_

_Akira: I’m coming over._

_Akechi: Don’t. It’s late. Go to bed. I’m tired._

_Akechi: Good night._

It’s hard to put into words how Akira feels. An odd sense of emptiness and familiarity. Broken and betrayed. Enraged. They’ve been here before. Shooting up in bed shocked and confused. There are even more questions swirling in his head. How quickly he did it — his own executioner under the guise of a bathroom visit. The casualness in which he entered the chat, stated the codeword as if it wouldn’t cause problems. 

So soon after what Futaba said too?

He had to know that this would cause problems. Had to know that there would be even more tension. Make Futaba feel as if she was at fault for his own death, when Akira knows he was contemplating it the moment they both discovered they were hearing that word. 

Yet, now, all is eerily silent. He hasn’t said a word since it happened. Couldn’t find the energy to respond to Morgana when he asked with such genuine concern if Akira was okay. Didn’t even have the energy to text a confirmation in the chat that he was doing okay. 

First thing in the morning, Akira leaves. Sojiro asks him where he’s going. He looks puzzled, a little disoriented. Akira makes an excuse about what he’ll be doing. He doesn’t even remember what it’s about, something about school or some bull shit. 

He runs towards Akechi house. An overwhelming anger drives him right now. 

He knocks hard on his door. An urgency in his own bones. He’s furious. His heart hurts. 

“I know you’re in there,” Akira says through gritted teeth. His phone has been going off the whole morning and he hasn’t even bothered checking it. He was in such a rush to get here, to interrogate Akechi, figure out what the hell was going through his head…

He knocks again, tempted to text the man to open up. His foot is tapping impatiently on the ground, and he looks around trying to preoccupy himself with something. It's been some time since he was last here and a part of him is impressed that he still remembered how to get here. When Akechi finally does open the door, it’s with obvious surprise. 

But Akira doesn’t miss the shadows under his eyes.

“I wasn’t expecting you,” he confesses. “Figured you’d be too angry with me to see me.” 

Meaning in the past, he didn’t visit right after. A part of him wonders why he wouldn’t. Why wouldn’t he be concerned enough to come over and see him? Why wouldn’t he be _angry_ enough to come over. 

“I am,” Akira bites his lip, “But also scared. Worried.”

Akechi raises an eyebrow obviously unimpressed, “This isn’t the first time. You needn’t stress about it.”

“I worry about you,” Akira emphasizes trying to calm himself because if he's angry he knows Akechi won't let him in. He can yell once he knows he won't have a door shut in his face. “Doing that so many times? That can’t be healthy, Goro.”

He wonders how long it takes for him to reorient himself, to ground himself finally after doing such a thing. He refused to let Akira see him last night and while it probably wouldn't have been the best idea, he still wanted to be there. With him. But he still probably would have been beyond pissed.

He scoffs and gestures for Akira to walk in. Akira looks around, and it’s so oddly familiar. While it looks barely lived in, for some reason it feels a little like home. Akira takes a deep breath wondering if he should even inquire about the past with him.

_Goro smiles and beckons him over. It’s such a bright, beautiful expression that Akira wishes he could see it all the time. No stress. No worries. Just his happiness. It’s heart wrenching to see him in his usual frown. All furrowed brows and bruised eyes from the lack of sleep. But right now… right now, Goro is in front of him, with a smile Akira will always treasure. Right now, they share this happiness, this unspoken affection between them. He could get used to this. He could settle with this. Even if it means ignoring the obvious storm right outside the door, he could get used to this. This peace. To have danced around this so many times… how foolish could he be to ignore his feelings before this all happened. That’s why they’re here, right?_

_Just him and Goro._

_Maybe he should have asked for that. In another life, in another chance, if there was that power instead of whatever he’s dealing with now, he would have asked to set them up in their paradise unphased and unbothered by the struggles of the outside world._

_Just him and Goro._

_The love of his life._

“Have I stayed here before?” Akira asks, tearing his eyes away from the couch where he saw the vision. _A_ _past loop where they tried to have a moment of peace before getting back in the action._ Akechi slowly shuts the door behind him and walks deeper into the apartment. 

He came here to be angry at him but then he sees _that_ and it makes it hard.

“Yes,” he says casually before a complicated expression takes over. “For… some time you did.”

Akira’s heart swells a little, "How long ago was that?"

Akechi runs a hand through his hair and it's only then that Akira realizes that his hair is pulled back into a loose ponytail. And the self control it takes to not undo it and run his hands through his hair himself while kissing him is immense, "Too long ago. Long enough that I, quite frankly, had forgotten."

Akira huffs and looks around trying to hide the disappointment he feels at the end of his statement. Is he that forgettable or has he really been at it for so long that he doesn’t remember when Akira used to stay here with him? "I imagine I made it feel more like a home than just a living space?"

"You did," he admits. "No respect, honestly. But... it was nice. You being here." His expression is soft, lost in a memory long since passed. A time lost to the unforgiving loop. Akira melts a little and kisses him on the cheek. Akechi flinches slightly at the action and Akira forgot himself. Forgot where they were right now. In the past loop, he could count on his hand how many times he and Akechi were even remotely affectionate with one another. It was a lot of yelling and trying to get Akechi to answer his questions, but the rare moments where all they could feel for one another was a happiness only they could grant for one another.

Akira wants more of those, but knows that he’ll only be able to have them when they finally get out of this. He knows Akechi won’t resign himself to the fact that they could be _something_ until he knows he doesn’t have to live like this. 

"Maybe one day we can have that back?" Akira asks, hopeful, breaking the tense silence that he created. 

"One can only hope," Akechi murmurs looking at Akira with something resembling wonder and affection. "Why did you come here?"

"Like I said, I was worried," Akira repeats as he pulls Akechi to the couch. "Worried about you. A little angry, but…” more than a little angry, but somehow it’s dissipated. For now. He knows it’ll come back once this moment is over. “I mean I would go insane if I had to hear the word reset again." Akechi snorts as Akira pulls him into his arms and falls back into the couch. He expected a fight. Expected him to try to pull away, but he fell so easily. A soft grunt of annoyance, but surrendered to Akira's embrace. A worrying sign. "Seriously, Goro, how are you feeling?"

"Tired," he answers softly, staring past him. "I want this to be over. But I don't know how to fix things. I don't know what you have to do."

Akira remains silent but it hurts to think that in the end, his decisions or lack thereof is the very reason they're all here. Stuck in this never ending loop.

"The loop… you said when things start going wrong you normally hear 'reset' like we did earlier," Akechi only nods in response. "What causes the loop to collapse like that?"

"A part of me thinks it's you," Akechi confesses. "It just manifests in other people." 

Akira blinks, "Me?"

"Like I said, when you get depressed, your decision making gets worse—"

"I'm not _that_ depressed."

"Your mental health has been better," Akechi rolls his eyes, but Akira sees something there. A sign that he knows more than he’s letting Akira in on. He knows Akira better than Akira knows himself now. Remembers things Akira has said that he will never remember. He probably knows Akira’s mental health better than Akira. 

Akira clicks his tongue, "Anyway, back to the loop. How does that have anything to do with what happened to Futaba?"

"I…"Akechi hesitates. "Akira, that last time I told you anything about this you forgot the loop after, I don't know if I'm the person who's supposed to tell you this."

"This seems to be a trend," Akira mumbles holding him closer. "I'm sorry about yesterday. I'm sorry if I—"

"You didn't make me do anything. Don't be so foolish," Akechi huffs. "I was going to lose what semblance of sanity I had left if I had to deal with those migraines for any longer." He pulls away slightly and looks up at Akira, "You don't hear them anymore right?" Akira only shakes his head. “Good.” He collapses against Akira as if he could no longer hold himself up, all the strength gone.

“What did you do?”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“You said you were going to the bathroom—”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“Damn it, Goro,” Akira hisses. “How am I going to help you if I can’t even—”

“How I did it isn’t something you have to concern yourself with Akira!” Akechi snaps. Akira’s eyes widened in surprise at his sudden outburst. In a softer voice, he continues “That’s not something you have to focus on, alright? Your job is to get us out of this thing. My job is to keep the loop running until you can fix it, okay?”

_“My job is to keep the loop running.”_

Akechi really has reduced himself to a tool that is only there to make sure they don’t get a bad ending. Regardless of what he’s feeling. Regardless of what pain that causes him. He is just another tool to make sure Akira does the right things to get them out of here instead of all of them getting killed instead. 

What nightmare would they end up in if Akechi let this thing keep going? What nightmare would Akira resign them all to?

“I hate that…” Akira says through gritted teeth.

“What do you hate?” Akechi begins to sit up slowly, pulling away from Akira. His strength is faint and Akira knows it’s the effects of waking up from the dead once more.

Akira grabs Akechi’s face, forcing him to look Akira in the eyes. He growls at Akira and attempts to pull away, but Akira holds firmly. Not enough to hurt him, but enough to keep him in place. To listen to Akira for longer than two seconds before he grows bored of Akira’s monotonous voice. 

“You,” Akira practically spits out. “And the way you treat yourself.” Akechi glares at him. “Your job is not to keep the loop running. Your job is not to—”

“You don’t have control over that,” Akechi cuts him off and pries his face away from Akira, eyes flaring with annoyance. “It doesn’t matter what you want. Least of all, it doesn’t matter what _I_ want. This is what I’ve been reduced to. It’s been this way for years Akira. Just because you hate it, just because you hate me and what I’ve become doesn’t change a damn thing. Stop being so full of yourself.” Akira opens his mouth to argue. “I don’t fucking care how angry it makes you with what I have to do. You think I’m not pissed that my current life revolves around whether or not I’m dead? Akira if you want what you care about to matter so much, then figure out how to end this!”

Akira gasps, “You…!”

“Oh, come on, don’t be obtuse,” Akechi scoffs. “You and I both know this has everything to do with what you feel. So if you care about my feelings fix this or let me _die_.” 

Akira pushes him away and Akechi falls to the other side of the couch. His chest _hurts._

 _Let him die?_ No, Akira doesn’t think he has the proper coping mechanisms to let him go. Not like that. Not permanently. 

“I hate you,” Akira grumbles. They aren’t much different from the vision he saw of them yelling at each other with broken items all around them. Screaming at each other because they can’t help but do that. 

“I know you do,” Akechi’s eyes are carefully blank. “It’s always been this way. We hate each other one second and then the next we can’t get enough of each other.” He stares off to the side, remembering something that Akira can’t quite grasp. He feels the tug, the pull towards something familiar, but it’s not coming and he hates how selective those visions have become now. 

They’re never there when he wants them, but yesterday… or the last day of the last loop, or whatever, he was having them left and right and couldn’t quite focus on anything.

“Don’t fucking ask me if we ever got out of the loop,” Akechi stands abruptly. “I can see it in your eyes. You’ve asked me this question at least five times Akira. No, no we didn’t. Or I wouldn't be here. I would have been dead.”

“What?” Akira’s eyes widen. 

“Think about it,” Akechi avoids Akira’s eyes. “If we got out of the loop, I’d be _dead_ . We wouldn’t be here, talking right now. My death restarts the loop, every time I die we restart _somewhere_. If we got out of it, you wouldn’t be talking to me. Unless this is all in your head, which,” he starts laughing, but it sounds so sad and broken. “God, imagine if this wasn’t real and it truly was all in your head. Would explain why the loop breaks down when you start breaking down.”

Akira is at a loss for words. Not only because Akechi is falling apart before his eyes, but the implication that he is just trapped in his own head, imagining all of this is a more terrifying thought than anything else. What would that imply about him? That he’s dying and he’s going through the same thing over and over again until he finally wakes up or never wakes up again? 

“Fuck it,” Akechi says roughly running his hands down his face. “It’s not the case, Akira. I’m just tired and saying shit. You are the solution, but I doubt it’s anything like that.”

_Akechi is falling apart before his eyes._

He looks so tired. So miserable. That smile on his face, fragile, cracked, fake. For the first time, Akechi looks like he’s on the brink of tears. 

_“Goro—”_

_“I don’t want to hear it, Akira,” Goro is pulling at his hair. “I’m losing my mind. I can’t keep doing this.”_

_“Goro, please listen to me.”_

_“Every time I listen to you, I feel like I’m losing a part of my sanity, I don’t want to listen!”_

_“Goro!”_

_Said man buries his face in his hands and Akira hears a broken sob._

_He did this._

_He did this to Goro. Broke him unintentionally. He has to fix this. He_ has _to. If he doesn’t, he’ll lose him permanently and he can’t do that. He can’t deal with that. He can’t. He can’t. He can’t._

_He kneels down and carefully pries Goro’s hands from his face. God, he hates the sight before him. How could he let this happen? How could he hurt him this badly?_

_“Goro, please,” he wipes the stray tears from his face. “Please don’t give up on me.”_

_“Why can’t you just let me go?” Goro asks softly. The question sends daggers into Akira’s heart and he stops breathing. “Wouldn’t that just end this? If you just let me go?”_

You don’t understand what you’re asking _, Akira thinks to himself. He doesn’t understand the implication of that. What that means for both of them. Why would he want that? Why? Is Akira not enough for him to keep going? What more does he need to be? What more does he have to lose to be perfect enough for him? What does he have to fucking do to be enough that Goro doesn’t want him to leave?_

_He grips Goro’s wrists tightly, and the man before him looks shocked at the sudden force, “I can’t do that. You know I can’t. I won’t give up on you so please… I’m begging you, don’t give up on me.”_

_“That’s so easy for you to ask,” Goro says with a smile that is so frighteningly empty. His eyes, empty and broken at the same time. Akira’s heart constricts and he gasps for air because he’s forgotten how to breathe once more. “That’s so easy for you to ask when you’re not the one dying every time.”_

_It’s true. It’s unfair of him to ask for him to have faith. To not give up when he’s barely sacrificing anything besides maybe pieces of himself and who he used to be. He used to be cool, calm and collected. He used to be a leader. Now? He’s sure what he is but an amalgamation of broken pieces put together incorrectly. The pieces of the puzzle forced together even though they don’t match. Goro dies so that he may live. Goro dies so that they all may live._

_But are they really living? Any of them?_

“Akira,” Akechi calls out. “Akira. Snap out of it. _Akira_.” 

“I’m here, I’m here,” Akira murmurs, but the words sound slurred. Akechi places a hand on his forehead. 

“You go places I can’t reach,” he whispers. “I wonder what causes that. You didn’t use to do this so much.”

Akira tears his eyes away from the floor and tries to focus on Akechi, “You weren’t kidding when you said we go between hot and cold real quick.” Akechi looks confused for a second before releasing his face. 

“It only makes sense to be concerned about you when you fall into whatever spell that is,” comes the flustered response despite how calm he appears. He folds his arms, a conflicted look takes over his face. “Where is it that you go?”

“I see things,” Akira says, pulling at his bangs. “You and me mostly. Sometimes we look older, sometimes we look the same as we do now.” Akechi only hums. “This time… Well, it’s normally related to the situation. As if telling me we’ve been through this before.”

“Past loops.”

“Yeah,” Akira nods. “But sometimes, the ones where we’re older…”

“That’s why you keep asking if we left the loop. Right, you told me that before.”

“So I’m guessing it’s just wishful thinking. We were engaged in one of them, did I tell you that? Was that also just a dream?”

Akechi remains silent and stares Akira down.

“You won’t tell me anything will you?”

Akechi makes no attempt to confirm or deny that and Akira hates how he always avoids responding to those particular comments.

“Do you have those?” Akira asks instead when the silence becomes overbearing.

“Visions? No,” Akechi shakes his head.

“What about when you sleep?”

“No,” Akechi walks into the kitchen. “I don’t even dream anymore.”

Akira stares at the floor. The revelation is not surprising, but depressing nonetheless. What would he even dream about now? How often they’ve failed? What he’s had to do to keep the loop running?

“You eat anything?” Akechi asks casually from the kitchen.

“I thought you couldn’t cook?” Akira asks, slightly amused. 

For a moment, the other just stares at him as if forgetting who he was talking to. Akechi shrugs slowly, but there’s a stiffness in the action that makes Akira nervous, “I have had time to learn. You gotta do something different to make life interesting, yeah?”

“Interesting. I didn’t know you learned.”

“It’s been a while, since I learned. Since we met in a place that wasn’t Leblanc or the Jazz Jin… or a palace,” Akechi replies absently. “It’s a given. I’m still not great at it. You’ve always been better. It’s not like I have any more time than usual, but things aren’t thrown at me when I least expect them so I have better time management. You know, since I know what’s going to happen on any given day.” 

Akira only nods and sits at the bar. Akechi looks back up at Akira. Neither of them move, but under his scrutiny, Akira feels out of place. There’s an odd glint in Akechi’s eye and Akira feels as if he’s looking at a stranger right now. A laugh rips out of Akechi’s throat as he shakes his head.

“What—”

“God,” Akechi sounds like he’s crying. “Sometimes I forget which Akira I’m talking to.” The room grows cold. “Fuck, I thought I could keep it together, you being here, but you saying you didn’t know that I could cook hit me harder than I thought it would.” His laugh is manic as he speaks. “Jesus, I didn’t think those would be the words I’d fall apart at.” In his mind, Akira is telling himself to move. To hold Akechi because he needs him, but he wonders if he’s the Akira that he even wants comfort from. 

_If he’s the Akira…_

What a frightening thought, that Akechi has coped with this by thinking that each Akira in every attempt after the memory loss is a different one despite them being very much the same person. 

_Right?_

“God,” he leans against the countertop holding his head in his hands, the laugh is more subdued but it still sounds more like he’s trying to keep himself from crying. “You were the one that taught me and you…” His grip in his hair tightens. “I can’t believe…” A sharp intake of air. “Fuck, I’m losing my head over you not remembering that you taught me how to cook… How pathetic...” 

There’s a guilt in Akira’s chest that weighs so heavily on him that he truly wants to disappear. He wants to be that Akira for Akechi. Then there’s another part of him that creeps into his thoughts, a painful one. Another part of him wonders if Akechi fell in love with a specific version of him. Not this one, but the one that taught him to cook. Or the one that made sure he went to sleep at night by talking to him on the phone until he finally was out or some stupid shit like that. 

_Is he still Akira?_ _Or truly just bits and pieces of the old Akira and other Akira’s put together after he fell apart so many times?_

“I’m sorry…” Akechi tries so desperately to pull himself together but Akira realizes that he’s on the floor now, having given up standing and Akira is just sitting there, watching him, uncertain of what to do.

_None of this is right. He’s not used to this emotional Akechi. He’s not used to this man falling apart like this. Who tried so desperately to hide his feelings. Who so desperately didn’t want to be seen as weak._

_Who is in front of him? Not Akechi Goro. Most definitely not Akechi Goro._

“I’m a mess and I never wanted you to see me like this again,” Akechi mumbles but his voice trembles. “I never wanted you to see how weak I’ve become because that’s just… that’s just so pathetic. Breaking down because you forgot that you taught me… Out of all the things you forgot, why that? So fucking stupid…”

“It’s not,” Akira manages to finally speak but Akechi just shakes his head.

“This isn’t me,” he says desperately, as if trying to convince himself that his words are true. “Just give me a minute and we’ll pretend this never happened.”

He hates that he went along with it. That he just let Akechi sit there on the floor, shadowed by the counter, hidden from Akira’s gaze as he tried to recollect himself. Why didn’t he do anything? 

_He’s your boyfriend, right? Why are you just letting him sit there on the floor, in obvious pain, pull himself together alone? Why aren’t you comforting him? Why aren’t you doing anything?_

He reasons that Akechi wouldn’t want his comfort. That Akechi wouldn’t want to be smothered by Akira’s affection and sympathy. Would frown upon the action and hate Akira for pitying him. But then he thinks about how much Akechi has fundamentally changed from the way he thought he was when this attempt first started. When he first became cognizant of the loop _again_ and how Akechi played the role of the villain, and when Akira confronted him he became someone else. He would be misjudging how much Akechi has changed, _aged_ in the loop to be angry that Akira would want to hug him during a break down. Akechi was always there when he broke down, why isn’t Akira reacting?

Then, he reasons that Akechi wouldn’t want his comfort because he’s not his Akira. Not the one that taught him how to cook. Not the one that took extra care of him. Not the one that was actually in tune with his emotions. Not the one that he envisioned when he asked if he had eaten anything. 

_No_ , when Akechi looked up at him at that question he had to figure out who he was talking to. It hit Akira like a brick why he felt so unnerved by that stare. Because at that moment, Akechi looked like he was truly talking to a stranger. 

He had done so well to pretend that he was okay with the current Akira. Had done such a nice job at not showing how he perceived him as different from every other version he’s ever encountered in the loop. 

He had done so well to never be truly shocked at what Akira had forgotten.

It must have been important to him if he broke down at that. Akira has never really seen Akechi as anything but put together, not in the sense that the public saw him, but he always knew what he was doing. He was collected for the most part. Despite his bloodlust, his rude language, Akechi was highly intelligent and probably could have been the second coming of the Detective Prince if life hadn’t toyed with him the way it did. 

He only saw him truly lose his cool when he fought against Akira in Shido’s Palace. A plan foiled by Akira. 

The one thing that truly unravels him. 

Akira was Akechi’s Achilles’ heel.

True to his word, while Akira was too busy fighting himself on why he _shouldn’t_ be comforting Akechi, he was back on his feet as if nothing happened. Even though he looked even more exhausted than before, even though his eyes were red, he proceeded with what he was doing.

He hated that it was unspoken that they would never speak of this again. Akira would be better. He would ask. 

He has to ask— 

“Have you talked to them yet? Your friends.”

**_“You’re overthinking too much. This is your fatal flaw.”_ **

**_“I thought you had the heart of a trickster? All I see is a husk of a man.”_ **

_You’re right_ , he thinks in response to the mysterious voice, a voice that had chanted “reset” like its life depended on it before. And he hates that they are right.

Akira blinks, and bites his lip knowing that they have moved on, that Akechi won’t bother with that episode. He doesn’t want to think about it and it is implied that Akira shouldn’t think about it either.

Glancing at his phone, he takes off his glasses annoyed with himself about _everything_. He forgot that he silenced it halfway through their conversation. He wonders how much they’ve blown up his phone and if he even wants to know what they’re talking about. Meeting in Leblanc is going to be hard since they’re back at the beginning and Sojiro doesn’t remember them again.

“That great huh?” Akechi mumbles, still appearing slightly disoriented. “It’s usually the opposite. You talk to them first and then you come to me.”

“That’s why you were surprised to see me at your door,” Akira looks up at him.

Akechi shrugs, “I mean, you were less angry than I expected. I had fully prepared myself for a shouting war.”

“Have I done that in the past?”

“We yelled at each other more than we had civil conversations in the past.”

Akira chuckles, “We’re terrible for each other.”

“I said that before,” Akechi nods. “You told me that it’s because we love each other or some sappy shit that we do that.”

“Obviously it stuck with you.”

“I don’t think I would be here,” Akechi begins. “If I didn’t love you as much as you loved me. You took it poorly when I said it before, but I truly meant it. That—”

“Loving me is painful?” A sad smile takes over, but for some reason it doesn’t hurt like it did before. Maybe it’s because he knows it’s true. Because he will never be the Akira that he fell in love with and he’s come to terms with that. 

_At least little._

“Yes,” the air is somber, but Akira isn’t bothered by it. It’s almost comfortable, the silence, the fact that they’re comfortable enough together to actually be this vulnerable with each other.

_But not enough to address Akechi’s obvious distress apparently._

“I imagine it’s the same for you. You said as much. Reconciling loving me was difficult and I understand that, you’ve told me that before. It was the same for me, you know. You were my enemy. Then a rival. Then, I guess a friend.” Akira has to laugh at how, even now, he refuses to acknowledge that friendship they felt. That he could still get embarrassed about that when they are _dating_ . “I suppose we both knew that we wanted something more at the beginning, but I didn’t think I could have that. I was given a second chance to make things right, but I didn’t think I deserved it, let alone be with you. You who only had good intentions with their actions despite the gray area that encompassed being Phantom Thieves and your methods. You, who I had wholly intended on killing because I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that you were much more than a person I just _hated_. You were everything I wanted and hated at the same time.”

“Goro…”

“And when I finally came to terms with everything… you were gone.”

_He forgot everything._

“Do you know what triggered that?” Akira asks as Akechi places a cup of coffee in front of him. It’s not Leblanc, but honestly he couldn’t care less. Akechi was giving it to him, so he’ll take it. It’s warm, contrasting how cold the room feels right now. 

“What? You forgetting?” Akechi barely glances back at him. “I don’t know. I guess it became too much. You have a habit of ignoring or blocking things out that you don’t want to think about, Akira.”

 _So I’m aware,_ Akira mentally rolls his eyes at himself. 

“I’ll help,” Akira stands and walks to help Akechi. He needs to do something. Sitting there just listening to him talk is becoming nerve wracking and he’s cracking under the pressure he’s putting on himself. 

“You don’t have to,” Akechi says with obvious annoyance. But he can’t tell if it’s because he’s encroaching in his space, or because he’s still not comfortable after earlier. “I’m not terrible anymore.”

“Doesn’t mean you’re good.”

“Why you…” though he’s glaring at Akira, the mirth in his voice weakens the effect and Akira pushes him to the side slightly and begins helping. They fall into a comfortable silence, something Akira thinks they need after everything they’ve talked about. Why he doesn’t want to sit there with his thoughts, busying himself in the kitchen is much more pleasant. The routine almost feels familiar. Doing things together easily. They’ve been here before, he knows this. Knows this in the way they so naturally avoid getting in each other’s space. Knows this in the way they so naturally know where everything is and what help the other needs and doesn’t need. 

_Maybe he was aware enough to still be a little bit of the Akira that taught his boyfriend how to cook himself a proper meal._

He understands now, that vision from earlier. That air of familiarity. That past loop. How easy it was to escape away from the rest of the world in Akechi’s apartment. How it remained completely untouched, but comfortable in its emptiness. How it felt like home even if it was foreign to him. 

_“You really shouldn’t bother decorating this, Akira,” Goro groans, but he’s smiling. Pleasant. Beautifully. The light from the windows hitting him at all the right angles. Akechi Goro was the most gorgeous man he’s ever had the honor of laying eyes on. Akira can’t quite put to words how lucky he is to be able to bask in it. Being graced with such a content gaze. Being able to see Goro without all his attempts at looking perfect in the public eye. Half awake, watching Akira lazily under hooded lids. Akira kisses him on the forehead before placing the plate of breakfast on the table beside him and going back to adding color on the walls. Paintings here and there. Some of them he knew Yusuke would object to, and others he knew the artist would want in his own bedroom._

_“Why not?” Akira asks, hanging another painting._

_“It’ll disappear by the end of this,” Goro mumbles over his coffee cup. “I’m surprised you managed to make the coffee still taste this good despite it being instant.”_

_Akira laughs, “It’s my job to be able to make coffee taste good. Plus, I know how you like it.” Goro only hums in content. Akira knows he is smiling too brightly. Knows that he’s too happy with the current situation, but how can he not when he’s with his favorite person in the world?_

_It was so nice to be with him in this way. He wishes this was their forever. If they didn’t have their sense of duty hanging above their heads, he would have forgotten why he was here in the first place._

_It was already perfect._

“Those are going to burn,” Akechi says curtly. “Wake up, sleepyhead. I’m not trying to set my apartment on fire.”

“Sorry.”

Akechi pauses and looks at him, “Another vision?” Akira just nods. “Hmm, I thought me touching you was a trigger. Now, it’s just conversations?”

“Something like that.”

Akechi only hums.

“This is the first time,” he says while they’re eating and Akira blinks at him breaking the silence. “That you haven’t yelled at me after a reset.”

Akira hates that word. _Reset_. It tastes bitter on his tongue, makes him feel empty when he hears it because he knows the implications of the word. 

“I thought about it, like I said,” Akira admits, though he wonders why Akechi is marveling about that so much, or if he wants Akira to get mad at him. If he wants some semblance of normalcy to return. “I was going to yell at you after I got inside because I knew you’d just shut the door on me if I started yelling earlier on. I lost the energy to do so the more we talked.”

Akechi, he notes, is simply picking at his food. He’s eaten small bites, but he looks like he’s too tired to eat. Like he doesn’t truly have an appetite. 

“Not hungry?” Akira asks carefully, wondering if earlier was still bothering him.

A furrow returns to Akechi’s brown. He frowns at the food as if it’s done him some wrong in the past. Akira swallows his food hoping he hasn’t made a mistake. 

“I don’t really have an appetite anymore. In general,” comes the quiet confession after a moment. “Everything tastes like ash. I eat because I have to. Because you want me to, and you’re right, I should eat. But it’s not because I particularly enjoy it.”

“Goro…” Akira hates this. The loop, he realizes, has ruined Akechi in more ways than he thought. And apparently, he knew of this before. They’ve had conversations about his eating habits before. 

_“I would hardly call this ‘taking care of yourself’. Please eat more Goro. Or I’m going to stay here until you do.”_

Akechi snorts softly and Akira quirks an eyebrow, “You used to call me, first thing in the morning and at night…to make sure I was eating. Because you couldn’t stay over every day, you wanted to make sure I wasn’t skipping meals like I had the tendency to do some time ago. It’s been a while since we’ve shared a meal together like this. In a place we could call—” he stops himself. Scrunches up his nose as if he tasted something bad and then looks off to the side. “It’s been a while.” He says shortly and there’s an air of finality in those words. 

Is he afraid of having the same reaction as before? Such a visceral emotional reaction that he couldn’t contain how much it hurt?

He won’t clarify or elaborate or give any hint to what he was going to say.

Akira feels like he can fill in the blanks though.

 _Home_.

.- .-.. -- --- ... - - .... . .-. . 

He returns to Leblanc a little later, but he immediately misses him. There’s still a lot of things he wants to talk about. Things unrelated to the loop. But also… he wonders if it would be right of him to ask about that past loop. He wonders if it would be right for him to ask about them together, in a place they could call _home_. 

Sojiro is confused once more and says he has friends waiting for him upstairs. Sojiro grumbles about a strange feeling of recognizing them and Akira almost feels hopeful. Sojiro might remember them? Despite that hope, Akira groans, having completely forgotten that he also needed to talk to them about everything. What must they be thinking? He completely left them hanging in favor of making sure Akechi was breathing still. 

Will Sojiro eventually start remembering too? Will that be a sign that they’re going down the right path?

Does he want to wait that long? Or will he be the only one who remembers anything at that point?

At the moment, he doesn’t even want to consider the loop, but that’s all he can ever think about these days. About how they will restart, over and over and over again because Akira can’t do any of this right. They’re all relying on him. _Akechi_ is relying on him and he’s let him down so many times. 

At least he remembers, _right_? That’s a good thing? 

Right? You have to look at the bright side of things when everything is bleak. You have to… you have to find something to smile at. To congratulate yourself for. Otherwise, you fall in a pit so deep you can’t get out of. _Right_? 

He tries so hard to not be affected by this. Tries so hard to be the same, stoic, quiet pillar that his team needs right now. That his _friends_ need right now. How traumatizing must it be for someone to actually kill themselves after you say it? Even if you don’t remember it or if it wasn’t you? Imagine the blame one must feel. He knows Futaba must be feeling guilty with how downcast her eyes are.

Akira realizes that him leaving Akechi has led him to think too much once again. To consider everything that is going wrong. Akechi was oddly his escape despite everything.

Akira looks at his hands, but they don’t even feel like they’re attached to his body anymore. All his attempts to ground himself have failed so far. 

He looks up at the group and they all push out of the chairs and look up at him.

“There you are!” Ryuji yells. “You didn’t respond to any of our messages.”

“Sorry, I—”

“Don’t do that Akira!” Futaba shouts. “We thought something happened to you! Figuring out that we reset was already hard enough. Not hearing from either you or Akechi after that was…”

“Sorry,” Akira tries again. “I was with Goro. I was checking in on him since… you know.”

“Right,” Makoto mumbles. “Right, the only way we could possibly reset is if he…”

“Next time, well hopefully there won’t be a next time,” Ann sighs. “Just don’t leave us in the dark like that, okay? We don’t necessarily expect Akechi to reply, but you at least…”

Haru raises her hands in an attempt to placate them, “I mean, we should at least try to be a little understanding. It’s his partner that has to make us reset. He must have been concerned.” Akira tried to remain stoic at Haru so easily calling Akechi his _partner_. 

“It’s understandable,” Yusuke nods. “We’re just glad you are alright. How is Akechi?”

“He’s been better,” Akira confesses, sitting at the empty chair. “He… yeah, I mean, he’s the same as he’s always been.” _Lies._ “I don’t think he’s impacted by this nearly as much as we were. He’s used to this.”

“Right,” Ann murmurs. And he notices the downcast expressions. His friends needed him to be here and he wasn’t there. He—

_“You can’t keep trying to act like there’s two of you walking around. There’s one Kurusu Akira. You can’t always be available Akira. You need to set boundaries because it’s straining you. Please.” Goro’s eyes are pleading, and he must look a mess because he’s never heard such sincere concern for him since his return from his time abroad._

“Alright," Morgana suddenly says, dragging Akira back to the present. He hasn’t spoken since Akira appeared, silently observing all of them. "We gotta get a move on."

"Morgana?" Haru mutters.

"He's right," Makoto says. "We can't keep moping or feeling sorry for ourselves or Akechi. He did it for a reason, let's take advantage of it. That's what he wants anyway."

Futaba's expression is downcast, and Akira swallows. He needs to say something, _anything_.

Why is he so bad at this now? He was used to observing, being the leader mainly when it came to palace invasions, but he built up their confidants. He had to be at least a _decent_ friend.

"He would have done it anyway,” Akira mutters and everyone looks up at him. “We… both of us knew we— _he_ would have to do it soon. He just happened to do it when we all least expected and probably at the worst time.” Yet, probably the best time considering everything. 

“Why?” Makoto asks. “If there’s something you both know that we don’t, you need to tell us. All of us being left in the dark is making this hard. So if he told you something, do share.”

“Tell us, Akira,” Morgana insists, noting Akira’s obvious hesitation.

Akira sighs, and looks off to the side, “It’s hard to explain. I don’t even know the cause of it. I might try talking to him about it later and get all of us a clearer answer. But we’re both just as in the dark about it as you guys are.”

He doesn’t want to mention the resets when they just make him feel crazy. 

None of them look satisfied with that answer. They look between each other in a mix of confusion and worry. 

“He does have an easier time talking to just you than when we’re all around,” Haru confesses. “It’ll probably be best if you talk to him first and then us. What did you guys talk about anyway? If not the loop.”

Akira shrugs because in truth, they had so many different topics of conversation, he doesn’t even know.

_And all he can think about is how he failed him._

Ann nods, “Well, at least you checked in on him. That’s good. He probably needed that more than any of us. You can’t say someone is okay if they do something like... _that_ so naturally, you know? Like did he even give a warning?”

Akira shook his head, “We were together just before it. And then he said he was going to the bathroom and the next thing I knew…”

“That’s pretty fucked up,” Ryuji mutters. “Damn…”

Akira takes a deep breath, and looks among the group. Right. He needs to take care of them. He needs to make sure they’re okay too. Their mental health, their emotional states also have to have an impact on the loop. What if that also breaks it? How they feel? If they can’t cope with everything, is that when they start forgetting? That seems to be the case for him, so he imagines that must be similar for them.

Akira looks up, “Alright, let’s do that.” 

“Do what?”

“Mental health check,” Akira clarifies. “How are _you_ guys holding up? How are you doing?”

Ann sputters, “Well, I meant him—”

“I’m going to go to his place after this,” _Again_ , he thinks, because he knows that Akechi will be tired of him, but Akira is still not entirely sure about anything right now. Akira nods. “But I’m here with you guys now, I want to know how _you_ all are doing. I haven’t asked this proper since we all became aware. As a leader and as a friend, I’ve failed you guys in that regard.” He needs to do better. Being more attuned to their feelings, their thoughts may make things easier. It may help get them out of this. Ever since they all became aware, they haven’t come to him nearly as much as they used to. He hasn’t been doing his job as a leader and as a friend in too long.

 _“Your judgement becomes clouded when you stress like this. It gets in the way of your decision making. You take less care of yourself and your friends,” Goro clicks his tongue, but his brow is furrowed in concern. “Obvious traps to our downfall. Take care of yourself. Watch out for your friends. That’s what you were known for. Akira, you looked after me when I was just an enemy. Despite knowing I would cross you, you cared for me more than anyone ever has — for that I owe you and love you for. But seeing you like this? It was what I saw after you got out of detainment. Miserable, hiding your trauma, hiding your break downs, trying to be strong for people when you just needed to let it out.” He pushes a lock of hair out of his face, a faraway look takes over. “I genuinely thought_ you _weren’t going to make it out of that Akira. I won’t lie and say I wasn’t relieved a little to find that it was me who died, not you. I didn’t expect to come out of that plan with Shido… well, no use in dwelling on that. Regardless, you let your friends confide in you, dump their troubles on you — how can it be called a friendship if you aren’t allowed to do the same?”_

He wonders in what loop did Akechi lecture him on friends and emotions when it always seems like Akechi is the one who needs to talk and confide to someone. At what point was he so low that he needed Akechi to be the one to stop being emotionally constipated and trust the people he used to trust with his life. 

Now all he can think about is how they’ll eventually leave him to fight this on his own with Akechi when they all forget. And how he’ll eventually leave Akechi to fight on his own. 

\- .-. ..- ... - - .... . -- 

“Well,” Haru giggles a little, “I guess we did need that. The mental health check in.” 

“I suppose we should do this more often then,” Ann confesses, but he knows they’re all thinking about Futaba. Futaba who doesn’t remember the words she said to Akechi but everyone heard it so clearly.

And at least right now, he is confident it wasn’t _her_ that said it. The voices are quiet. He no longer hears reset in the back of his head. The world isn’t distorting anymore. At least, not in response to the fact that reality was quite literally turning on its head. Now, it was just him needing to get in the right headspace. 

“Where are you guys going?” Akira asks, when they finish checking in on each other.

“Woah, woah, woah,” Futaba stops him. “You didn’t tell us how _you’re_ doing. And arguably, that’s the most concerning thing!”

He swallows, “Ah, I’m fine. I would just rather get this over with sooner rather than later.”

“Man,” Ryuji drawls, scratching the back of his head. “You have us spilling our guts and you think you can get away with an ‘I’m fine?’ You definitely don’t seem fine.” 

“Ryuji, a little more… tact,” Makoto scolds and Ryuji just shrugs. “But he’s right. Akira, you… I will admit that you _and_ Akechi have a lot more riding on our shoulders. We find out things from you when you accidentally reveal something. Remembering more loops than us was kind of a big deal, but you brushed that off. I’ll be honest with you, Akechi’s… his calm about the loops? It’s really unsettling. You on the other hand… we can tell that it’s weighing down on you. You don’t have to do this alone.”

“Yeah! We want to help you, you just have let us,” Ann nods. 

_Sounds familiar. Sounds like something he probably said to Akechi multiple times._

“Appreciated,” Akira breathes.

 _“_ **_Let them help you._ ** _”_

The voice is the same that was chanting reset so many times, but it’s gentle. Still distorting to the point where he can’t recognize _who_ it belongs to but…

“I’ll be better,” Akira stands, ignoring it. “I’m getting there.” _Maybe_. “I’m going to head back to Akechi’s. What are you guys going to do?”

They exchange glances. Resignation fills their faces that Akira had no intention of sharing his thoughts, his feelings. 

“Not sure yet,” Makoto says slowly. “Uh, we may still be here.”

_What day is it?_

“We’re truly back to the beginning. We’ll have to take care of Kamoshido’s palace soon.”

_Not that he particularly wants to._

They’ll run through it again with the same ease as before. The same repetition. The same platitudes. Pretending they don’t know each other in school until they do. It’s easier to pretend they’re doing the same thing again than going through it with knowledge of who each other are. It causes unnecessary questions. Unnecessary rumors and troubles. 

He wonders what they were going to say, but he leaves so fast that they can’t get more than “hey” out. He appreciates them, he really does, but talking about his own issues has never been easy. Not even with Akechi. Though, Akechi does get the most out of him out of everyone.

-.. . -.-. . .. ...- .. -. --. -.-- --- ..- .-. ... . .-.. ..-. 

“You’re back,” Akechi remarks wearily.

“You okay?” Akira asks by way of greeting. 

“Yeah,” he says. “Come in.” 

“You don’t sound it,” Akira walks in with a furrowed brow. “What happened?”

Akechi shakes his head, “Nothing. I was just… I just woke up.”

“You don’t look rested at all,” Akira points out. Glaring at him, Akechi opens the door again.

“You are free to leave.”

Akira laughs and shakes his head walking in. It was nice. The casual banter. Something that had nothing to do with the loop. 

But that was inevitable. The loop. 

He was going to be selfish today though. So he pulls Akechi into a tight hug before dragging him back down to the couch. 

“I love you,” Akira declares, like it's a vow, one that will never be broken by any loop. Because he needs Akechi to know just how much he truly loves him.

A stunned expression briefly takes over before he settles into his embrace 

“I love you too,” Akechi mumbles. “Is this all you came here for? To hold me hostage in my own home?”

Akira smiles fondly, “No. Are you usually this tired after…”

“Yes,” he admits. “I feel lethargic for the first day or two. I’ll be better soon.”

“Then sleep,” Akira says holding him closer. “Get rest. I’ll be here when you wake up. You look exhausted.”

Akechi opens his mouth to counter, but he decides against it and snuggles closer, shutting his eyes.

“We have work to do,” he mumbles. 

“Later.” Akira takes a deep breath, “I’m sorry. For earlier. For not comforting you. I just watched… I’ll be better. I’ll be stronger for you and for myself.”

_Because if he can’t hold himself up, what business does he have trying to hold up anyone else?_

Akechi only hums.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any Akira and Akechi scene I write I always have "For the Love of Freedom" by Marcus Miller playing because it's so oddly somber and fits the mood that I feel like is always set between them. 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Comments and kudos are always appreciated! Thank you to everyone who is sticking around and any new readers who join the ride!


End file.
